Your husband seems to be saying -- and more importantly, DOING -- all the right things. Had he said "Let me just call her, and get some 'closure' on this thing" or something like that, I would have been concerned. But he seems genuinely remorseful.
I think continuing to work with the MC should help you, and yes, it gets better (at least it did for me) and the images will eventually go mostly away. I still think of my wife with her OM every now and again, but that almost seems like a DIFFERENT Mrs. Puppy to me, so it doesn't affect me as much, if that makes any sense?
If the "fatal attraction" stuff persists, you may want to call the police. That should scare her off, before she starts boiling your bunnies.
Okay, so I guess I will upset the apple cart. I hate to after you have said such sweet things about me, but there are two things that bother me. One is that I was not sure if he ever told you what happen the weekend he came back from CA after he was with OW. Why was he so ready to repent? Did he ever tell you about that? You don't have to give us details, but as long as you know what triggered him being so remorseful....that is what matters.
Then, the second thing I keep seeing pop up is your problem of not being able to cast out the images of OW and how it is affecting you sexually. I think I totally get that and sure I would be the same way! But, I want to put this in some different terms as if I were another person talking to you, okay? So, I see this statment you made and wonder about it.
Quote:
I mourn the fact that there will never be that sanctity in our marriage ever again, that the sacredness of that act of making love is tarnished and will be scarred forever,
I know that I am from the other side of the fense, but you surely aren't saying that you have these words in your mind when the two of you ML. Call me bad, but I just never had thoughts of how sanctified our M was and how having sex was so sacred between us....all the time we were having the act of sex.
Actually, I think I know what you are really saying when you made that statement.....but I hope you will force yourself to stop dwelling on how "tarnished" the sex is b/c your H was with OW. I don't mean to insult you, sweetheart, but you wanted him back and he couldn't come back without his body. He couldn't wave a magic wand and everything be back the way it was before the A. It couldn't be both ways......know what I mean?
Part of the forgiviness is to forgive ALL of what happened. If you pick out the parts you choose to forgive and hang on to parts you can't get over.....then this D has not been busted. Don't you know that he regrets the fact that he messed up and that he cannot undo what you held so sacred? It was a choice of being together or going separate ways.
As long as you hold on to this type of thought process....then you are building up resentmet toward him for ruining the "special" union the two of you had. I promise you this....it will come out in your attitude toward him. Little by little it will kill the MR! Wouldn't that be terrible to think that he came back from the arms of OW, but his wife would not turn lose of this idea of a sacred & sanctified union being forever tarnished?
Please stop doing this to the two of you. I know you could argue that he did it when he had the A. But, here is my point.....if you chose to stay in the M with him, you must do it with full forgiveness or it will sour and begin to rot. You can count on it. I just think there are other things to think about rather than this sort of thing. What if he mourned the fact he was no longer M to a pure innoncent virgin the day after your wedding? ....okay, maybe not a great comparison, but it's all I can think of right now....
Maybe some of this will come out in the counseling and the C can help you with that. It does take time! I think it is wonderful you've been given another chance. Yes, grieve for what was lost, but then look at this as a "new" M with hope and a future. Don't kill its chances by allowing that OW to capture your thoughts and ruin your M. If you can overcome that.....I think you'll have it made!
Don't quit us, just b/c you feel things are on an upward climb, b/c you still need support. It is early and "piecing" can be tough. So, keep coming back, okay? Hope I didn't hurt too badly with my 2X4.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
OUCH!!! I know I still need support. The turn around happened after the weekend in CA. It had to do with a lunch I had with him when I was really intending to tell him I was letting go. Didn't quite come out though. We talked about the impact on the kids because that day I got 2 progress reports from school about my 2 older kids who are both honor students, my S 18 was failing every class. My D13 was failing 4 classes. I told him. They also had been sick for almost 10 days and they never get sick. When I took them to the doctor, there was nothing wrong other than stress. I shared that with him. I reminded him of us being in each others lives forever with the kids. It was a good talk, no tears, no emotion until I was leaving and he gave me a big hug and I broke down a little and said I am not ready to let you go today. He came home that night with a changed mind. Not really sure what the trigger was.
As for the sex part. I am not some religious prude that can't see past the "sin" of what happened. all I was saying is that I believe that sex is the closest most intimate thing you can share with someone and I do hold that very dear. That is why the pain hurts so much, like anyone who is betrayed, that is not so intimate any more because it is no longer special with the two of you, because someone else played with the same toy. That's all I was saying there.
I know I still need a lot of help. My mood changes by the hour. Sometimes I can totally see past all this and think it was just sex and I really had pushed him away but now he is back and we will get his back on track. Then reality hits me of how bad the hurt is and how my skin crawls thinking of him inside another woman. The I get angry and want to bail myself. Then I think of my end goal of wanting to hold my marriage together and realize how strong I am and that I won this battle. I realize how good it is for the kids. Then i will talk to him on the phone or get a nice text and be pretty happy again until I hear a love song or see a love scene on tv or something and the whole vicious circle starts again.
We are planning to go away for the weekend tomorrow together and I look forward to it, then I dread it. I am very much on the fence about if I can get through this myself. I doubt myself if I really even want him after what he has done. Then I am glad he is here. Then two days ago the OW called me and pretended to be a hotel agent and used her name as the Mrs. and wanted to verify hotel stays in October. Then she hung up on me and then called and hung up 4 times. When I brought this up to him he was very apologetic and asked me if I wanted to change the home number, but that he would NOT reach out to her because that is what she wants him to do. I was glad about that. I don't want him to reach out to her. so I am going to change the phone number.
Anyways, that is where I am at now. I still need advice. please don't stop helping. I will let you know how the weekend goes.
I'm glad you responded. I don't say what I do to discourage you, but more to "challenge" your thinking. As a woman, I totally get what you are saying about the sex.....I really do. But, as a almost WAW who was involved with OM, I also know how important it is for you to be able to forgive everything about his A. God does not teach us to pick & choose what we forgive and what part we won't let go.
I know you are struggling with all of this. If I didn't understand that and want to help you, then I would not be here talking to you as if I were your best friend (I hope). I believe a real friend tells us what we need to know and not what we want to hear. So if I use a 2x4, it really is not to be mean spirited.
I remember you telling about the dinner when he came back, but I wondered if something else had transpired. I can't really afford to find "fault" with either of you to try to reconcile b/c of the love & concern you have for your children. In my own stitch, my LBH did not do anything that worked to get me to stay. (However, his attitude toward me after I stayed, was what made the big difference.) My decision was based on my convictions and the fact that I could not walk away from my family. I knew I would have to give up everything if I were to live the "other" life I was thinking about. So, I do understand. However, I am concerned that the two of you need healing that you've not had time to do. Especially in the bedroom. This is the part that is eating away at your heart and it will continue to do that until you can find a way to be free of its power over your thoughts and you have peace. I would suggest that you talk with your Pastor/Priest or a counselor.....some professional. I believe "time" is a great healer, but when it comes to intimacy, it "can" be a killer. So, I want to encourage you to not let this go too long before you try to seek help. Talking with your H "may" help, I don't know. He did offer to answer any questions. However, getting those answers may make matters worse for you, IDK.
I've heard stories of how A's often do not go near as well as they had imagined. I am talking about the sex, of course. I've heard that the experience would not be what they thought it would, etc. But, I think what you are saying is just the fact that he was with her (even if it was bad) has caused you to feel that it has spoiled what was special between you. It would be easy to tell you to just get over it, but I know it doesn't work like that.
I hope that this weekend will go well for the two of you. I'll be anxious to hear how you are doing.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The weekend went really well. On the way to where we were going-a 2 hour drive, we had another tough conversation about the A. I asked only a couple more questions because you are right that the more I know the worse it is for me. I did get to say a lot of the things that were eating away at me like I feel the specialness between us is gone and that it is only sex now, not an intimate sharing of love. He says maybe that can come back. He was very tender and compassionate and told me of his own hell he is living right now because of what he has done.
Anyways, we got through that really well and ended very positively and then we got to our destination and walked around a really cool city and found a place to sit and share a bottle of wine by a river and we talked more. Our wedding anniversary is coming up in 2 months - 20 years, and I asked him what he wanted to do and he said, he wanted to surprise me but that he wanted to have a mini wedding ceremony with our very dear priest friend and our very closest friends that we have. He already invited his parents out and had already put a phone call into the priest. That blew me away, because it is perfect. We don't have any money so we can't go anywhere but that is ok. He wants to plan this in our home. I am really excited. He says he is so happy and says it has been very easy to fall in love again, although he says he is not sure he ever fell out of love, he is just very happy that I didn't give up on him.
He really is saying all the right things in my mind and I feel they are sincere, especially when I see his face when we talk about the A. I really want to get past those talks as fast as possible so we can begin the healing of what went wrong in the marriage to cause the A. We actually were very physical this weekend and it was ok. I am a very forgiving person, and I want to get to where I am done asking questions about the A because I just really don't want to know. He said the main thing the OW offered was conversation, and that I have not been interested in talking with him or interested in anything he has done over the last few years. I do think he is right, although-damn-to have an A because he needed conversation??? That is why I don't want to know anymore because it pisses me off really, and it's not the reason for the issues in the marriage and I am more interested in fixing that than getting details about the A.
I think we are on a good path and I am being very positive and trying to talk about everything. He goes out of his way to ask me everyday how i am doing emotionally and says he is glad things are going the way they are. I have asked him if it was hard to cut things off and if he ever feels tempted to call or reach out and he said absolutely not. It really put a new light on her when she called me the other day--I think I told you about that. That's where I am at right now. Sandi I do appreciate everything you tell me and share with me so thank you.
Sandi, Puppy, please chime in. I had a total spiral out of control last night. We had come off of a great weekend and ended with a nice bottle of wine and a movie last night. Well part of the movie had a major love scene and I lost it. I cried and said how could you have done this to us and he kept saying he was so sorry and what could he do and that he wasn't going anywhere and he loved me, but I asked questions I should've NEVER asked about the sex they had and he is being very honest now and so he answered everything I asked and now that ugly pit is back in my stomach and he was totally wrecked last night. He couldn't hold me which was what I needed. He said he felt sick to his stomach. I told him I loved him, but hated what he did and he said he hated it too but doesn't know how to fix this now. He says we will get through this. How do I stop this from ever happening again? I really have nothing else to ask about the A I just want to start healing the problems in the marriage. I can't have another night like last night, but how did I know a stupid movie would set me off like that? Are there going to be random things that set me off? How do I keep it under control?
I'll be anxious to hear what Sandi -- and others -- think, but I don't see anything wrong with what happened last nite. I think it was HONEST, and it's what's been bottled up inside you, and that it had to come out. And I'm glad to hear that he was willing to answer your questions.
But just as you had the right to bring it up in a not-so-elegant way, and he has to accept that, YOU have to accept that how he answers you -- and what you may or may not get from him in his answer (him holding you) is ALSO honest, and it may not be what you need right now.
I think you BOTH need to give grace in this area.
There is going to be a lot of stuff you both need to work thru. I think all you have a right to expect from him is that he's HONEST when you ask him, and that he's considerate and loving (as best HE can be, in HIS way) in his response.
Maybe if today you thanked him for being honest with you, tell him that you didn't mean to "ambush" him when the evening was going so well but that it just came out, and then tell him that it would help you heal if he could just hold you if that should ever happen again?
When my wife had her affair, she expressed a lot of anger and even stubborn entitlement about how her parents (esp. her mother) and our daughters (esp. D-then-18) were responding to the situation. I remember angrily telling her one night, as we both sat on the edge of our bed, that "You have no right to tell D18 how she gets to respond to this horrible thing in our lives right now!"
You're going to have triggers, K -- places, dates, songs . . . maybe even some stupid TV commercial may set you off someday. He needs to understand that, and you need to be kind to yourself in what you expect from yourself.
Thank you Puppy. We had a conversation very similar to that this afternoon at lunch. I told him I am not apologizing for what came out but in the future if it does come out again, if he would just hold me and let me know he is not going anywhere and we will get through this. He said absolutely. Is it feasible to try to move on from this pretty quickly and move on to really rebuilding our marriage so the marriage becomes the main focus not the A?
