A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

We made love last night.

I feel like we are cementing this new R bit by bit, tiny step by tiny step. This feels very, very good.

Now the downside. Fear. Uncertainty.

We were both tired when we started, so add a dose of fear on both sides and it wasn't the best either of us have ever had. (I was fine; he was unable to finish.) I don't mean to discount the moment or the meaning, nor am I complaining. But for this particular step, one hopes it would have been an unabashed positive, you know? Like, nothing for anyone to regret or wonder about? For his part, he was tired and had a headache before we had any idea this was even on the menu. Add in any moral/ethical complications (cheating on OW?), fear of being hurt and, well, you get a bit of a mess.

As for me, well, I am questioning if I should have done this without making d@mn sure that OW was history. H has changed so much toward me in the past week or so, though - so much more open, so much more affectionate and there was even more of it this morning.

It doesn't help that I spent much of the night dreaming that OM was hunting me down to kill me, complete with dark suit, dark shades and a really big gun. We had just watched the Wolverine installment of X-Men movies and completely enjoyed it. I was surprised how much story there was amidst the fighting. I'm pretty sure this is where the 'being hunted' images came from.

At any rate, I am looking forward to a reprise with fewere emotional impediments/landmines.

Take-away messages:

1) Don't expect the world when you and your WAS ML for the first time again.

2) This will get better in time, with baby steps, just like everything else.

3) Overall, it's a positive, not a negative.

4) This whole reconciliation thing needs a whole lotta thinkin'. Give yourself (and your spouse) the time and space to do it!