Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

Quick question. Why does it make her mad, or disgusted, especially after all this time (and especially after she told me she filed for divorce), for me to even mention to her that I am sad or hurt? She can't stand that! "Poor you", "woe is me", etc. I don't understand it?

Antlers, you know I am in the same position as you right now, but take a moment to think about your statement.

Don't discount that she is angry/sad/hurt herself and has been in the past.

Think about what your doing by telling her your sad or hurt, your placing your feelings under her power, and she sees that, as well as attempting to make her feel guilty. Even if that is not your intention to do so, that will be how she sees it. That's why you have to do the DB counterintuitive of NOT talking to her about these.

She has taken the action she has, and one part of that, is she is taking responsibility for her own happiness now, and we need to do the same! Doing so MAY show her that oh, Antlers can do fine without me. That is what may bring her around to wonder about you.

Believe me, I know how hard this is. I spent all day yesterday playing with my d8, and laughing and joking and playing games with her, and then having a good dinner, to which I invited WAW as well. All the while knowing TODAY I am going to write up the contracts to disolve this marriage with her.

Show Ms Antlers that you will be FINE without her, and acknowledge the hurt for yourself in private. I know your doing this already, just want to reinforce that to you.

Be Strong. You can do this.

Whoa! I don't discount that she is angry, sad, and hurt, etc.. Never have. I know she is. But, if I mention that I'm sad that she filed for divorce and her response is "poor you", well, I don't get it. Not trying to make anybody feel anything, I'm just expressing my response to a painful action that she's taken. She may see it differently, as you say. I have no control over her thoughts, feelings, or actions. I know that. It's painful that she's taken this action, for whatever reasons she has, and after looking at these papers and seeing just what she's going after from me, it hurts even more. I mean, it's hard to believe! I know I'm responsible for my own happiness. I worked hard after the separation and got physically and mentally stronger...now, another huge bomb has been dropped on me. I'm going to have to go through some bad stuff that I never wanted to go through. "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." This I must do! I would love to be given a second chance, but I do not want to have ANY false hopes. I have no choice but to show her that I will be fine without her, and I really want to be. Acknowledge my hurt in private? Should I share it with my friends/family? Or should I keep it all to myself. I detatched pretty good, over time, after the separation. Now, I need to do it again. Lots of stuff came back after the filing for divorce by her. I need some more help with detatching.

I'm glad you are here iwantittowork. Thanks.