Hope and heartache

[Fightin4mywife]

I am relating to your confusion, frustration, and loneliness. I've been out a couple of months longer, and we also have legal action in progress. It is a slow torturous process. Every interaction w/ her is painful.

And I also struggle with this fantasy of my WAW coming to her senses or hearing some inspiring love story or something and calling me or showing up at my job or house to say......... And every time my phone rings or I get a text or a voice mail, I automatically fantasize that its her. Guess what, I am let down every time. Boo.

Only answer I can see is to Dbing like crazy and hope for the best. Best to you.

[awest1217]

The limbo land sucks! I always still have days where I cry at work or on the way, but then there are others where I feel great. Since I called the L I have been great! I have three great nights in a row. I still cry, but I finally feel in control of my life. Not saying you need to call L, but find something you can do that makes you feel you have control again about you life.

Also after reading the story, you are a great dad. Being there for your girls is not letting your wife walk all over you because you are there for your girls. They will always remember that. Keep being a good dad, and part of that is taking care of yourself, which I just read in a e-mail I got from something I subscribed too. Funny how both DB and now parenting e-mails say TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so do the best you can do to that.

Stay in pray and remember hope is when you have something to hold on to and faith is blind.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting thing I'm noticing -- and I think it's bad -- is less and less contact by the W.

It may be the fact that she's getting busier and busier. In the summer, she'd call me with little updates on what's going on. Now, unless it's a scheduling thing, nothing.

[awest1217]

This could be a good thing or a bad. For the bad, it could mean she is moving on with her life and is ok not talking to you.

Now leave with the good. It could mean this will give her a chance to truly miss you. I know it wasn't until H and I stopped talking all the time that he missed me and my good qualities. He also realized that there have been good times in our marriage and relationship, and were starting to miss those too. SO this could give W a chance to miss you and the good parts of you and your relationship. Give her a chance to reflect without thinking about the now.

[ClingingToHope]

Girls called me while I was working at a high school football game. It was nice to talk to them. I'm picking them up tomorrow for the weekend.

Just knowing they were home with the W also gave me peace. I still haven't kicked the "worrying about where she is" habit on the weekends. I think when I truly don't care what she's doing I'll have detached.

I saw a person from our old church at the game. She used to be the Sunday school teacher for our D7. She asked about the kids. I filled her in and asked about her son. He's slightly autistic and I was the only Sunday school teacher he would interact with. It was really my triumphant moment as a Sunday school teacher. I spent most of the rest of the time playing Crazy 8s with the kids with religious themed cards.

She asked how "we" are doing at our new church and that's when I filled her in on what's going on.

After, I wondered if I should have done that. My W does have some friends still at that church, or at least people she wouldn't want knowing about our situation.

But I don't want to pretend everything is all roses -- especially when every vibe I get from W is that we are heading toward a D with no chance of reconciling.

[awest1217]

I know that feeling. H is always saying how I should not tell people what is going on, and he enjoys going out with me and S because then he has a "family" to show everyone. A lot of people in our city know him and so also know me. I finally said a few months ago no more pretending. If he does not want people to know then he should not be going around with OW; out to eat, football games, grocery shopping, etc. where he knows people we know will be.

I am through pretending that everything is good and if he does not like it then he can fix it. I have changed a lot in the past 5+ months that he has been gone so I am doing my part.

If your wife does not like you saying anything, she can talk to you about it. As long as you are just stating the facts and not putting your opinion in or your assumptions, I think you are ok. It is part of you being realistic about life, and there may be people from your old church who will become great supporters of you and give you some good advice on how to keep your marriage strong.

[ClingingToHope]

Best weekend I've had yet emotionally. I had girls both Saturday and today, and I've only had a couple of times where I caught myself wondering what W is doing.

She likely went out last night -- or maybe she didn't, I don't know, but the D7 was having a friend over so I was plenty busy. D10 was sick so the only time we've gone out was to church last night, they had a family skit before the 6 p.m. service that the girls loved.

Didn't call or text. She called me to see if I was keeping the girls over night Sunday because her mother wanted to take her out to dinner.

That's it.

Of course, in slow times I thought about plenty of other stuff.

* What a D will cost.
* When I should buy myself a computer -- I've been waiting for a clear direction from W before doing that.
* How to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas. Do we do the Christmas shopping together -- we'd always buy everything in one fell swoop so we wouldn't overspend -- or do I just have her write a list of what she bought and then do my own shopping.

[ClingingToHope]

Ready for another week. Strange -- and probably counterproductive feelings this morning -- anger. I know you are supposed to love your WAS unconditionally, but over the weekend I kept mentally playing my life forward and I just don't know if I'd ever get over not getting a second chance.

This morning I put D10 on the bus at a stop other than W's house and I drove D7 to school without stopping over at the house. I just didn't want to see W this morning and when she called at 8:15 a.m. I didn't pick up. I wasn't in the mood. Is this wrong?

I have my second session with a DB counselor tomomrrow. Hopefully, she'll put me in a better frame of mind.

[awest1217]

I have been there, and I don't think it is wrong. YOu still love your wife, but you are allowed to feel upset and angry about not getting another chance. I heard in a class I took this summer that once you feel angry it takes around 72 hours for those hormones that are released to get out of your system so it will take some time for you to not just feel angry, but that is ok. Being aware of your feelings is good so you can deal with them. You still love your wife. It is just masked by the emotions you are feeling at this moment.

Hope you have a great week!

[ClingingToHope]

W just called again. Just routine stuff about her work week, her schedule, how I can best help her. No pleasantries at all. I have surgery in two weeks and she still hasn't asked for what.

I wonder if she even remembers are one good talk now five weeks ago where we agreed to talk once a week on the R? I honestly can't imagine now how we'll ever break through this emotional wall.

It just sounds as if there's nothing there. I really don't want to talk to her or see her any more. I'd rather remember the times from years ago.

Now, I'm regretting my decision to sign up D10 for swimming. That means two times a week I'll have to see her when I pickup and drop off D10 from practice as well as having to coordinate some swim meets.

If you took those out of the equation, I would only have to see her maybe once every two weeks.