Something Very Good happened last night - and you can probably guess what it is. I'm processing a whole melange of feelings about tho, and I want to sift through all of those before I talk about it.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I feel like we are cementing this new R bit by bit, tiny step by tiny step. This feels very, very good.
Now the downside. Fear. Uncertainty.
We were both tired when we started, so add a dose of fear on both sides and it wasn't the best either of us have ever had. (I was fine; he was unable to finish.) I don't mean to discount the moment or the meaning, nor am I complaining. But for this particular step, one hopes it would have been an unabashed positive, you know? Like, nothing for anyone to regret or wonder about? For his part, he was tired and had a headache before we had any idea this was even on the menu. Add in any moral/ethical complications (cheating on OW?), fear of being hurt and, well, you get a bit of a mess.
As for me, well, I am questioning if I should have done this without making d@mn sure that OW was history. H has changed so much toward me in the past week or so, though - so much more open, so much more affectionate and there was even more of it this morning.
It doesn't help that I spent much of the night dreaming that OM was hunting me down to kill me, complete with dark suit, dark shades and a really big gun. We had just watched the Wolverine installment of X-Men movies and completely enjoyed it. I was surprised how much story there was amidst the fighting. I'm pretty sure this is where the 'being hunted' images came from.
At any rate, I am looking forward to a reprise with fewere emotional impediments/landmines.
Take-away messages:
1) Don't expect the world when you and your WAS ML for the first time again.
2) This will get better in time, with baby steps, just like everything else.
3) Overall, it's a positive, not a negative.
4) This whole reconciliation thing needs a whole lotta thinkin'. Give yourself (and your spouse) the time and space to do it!
Last edited by Dia; 10/05/0906:52 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
The first time you have sex if it's been awhile and there is any emotional weirdness on either side .... it's an unexpected bonus if it isn't a little hinky/mixed feeling. What you got is, IMHO, par for the course. This sounds horribly unromantic, but it's like that first plane ride after the one with all the scary turbulence. Good, that's over, now let's move on.
Actually, I think it's a net positive if neither party has either (a) freaked out and pulled back completely, OR (b) started going on and on and on about how awesome, best ever, etc. Sounds like you are both in an authentic place.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Example: He had condoms on hand. I am certain they were not bought for me, so in the midst of all of this was a very clear reminder to me that he's been sleeping with someone else. <shrug>
But yes, I think we're in an authentic place and HE is the one who initiated and finally crossed the LM boundary. I purposefully did not seduce him into it.
It's good, and no, no pullbacks and no unwarranted raving.
Me, I'm going out on my lunch to get the ingredients for chicken-corn chowder.
Last edited by Dia; 10/05/0907:09 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
My input here is that as you go along it gets better and better from there. If you haven't had sex in a while it can be a bit strange at first given all that has gone on in your lives.
Don't put any pressure on yourself over the first time, just look forward to the next time which I am sure you will find a much different experience as we have.
I can understand how you might be disappointed because all didn't go as you hoped it might, but your H has told you, "I *do* love you" and has now initiated LM. You always do a great job at allowing both of you to sort out your fears, feelings, thoughts so you can move on from a productive place. That's why we all love reading your posts. We are all living vicariously through your diary. Anyhoo, I'm sure you'll do it this time as well.
And, looking hot and having dinner ready when he gets home certainly can help in all that!
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
