To GIMA and the other men out there, it occurs to me after seeing Mishka's reply that these household tasks are a pretty simple but easy way to score points with the woman in your life. Would you men out there please be willing to share with us women what YOUR equivalent to these small, but thoughtful gestures is (share here or on my thread (www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads...rue#Post1849795)). What small, simple gestures speak volumes to you that a woman cares?????
We women really DO want to know!!!!!!
Thanks!
GAG
I would say that has to depend on one's Love Languages, but in that case I think many men are pretty similar. I'll answer that question based on my LL's.
- Physical Affection - Words of Affirmation
(In THAT order!)
Physical Affection. This is not Sex, although it is very related. I am attracted to a woman who wants to be with me. Who touches me BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO. Before the decline, my W would take my arm as we walked, or rub my shoulders after work, or sit on my lap after dinner, or kiss me - lots of things. What was important is that it was loving physical contact that she was happy and enthusiastic about.
If you really want to grab a man, be playful and have LOTS of fun having sex with him - really enjoy it.
Head over heels...
Note that apathetic physical contact ("begrudging shoulder rubs given only when asked, limp hugs that say you'd rather be somewhere else, "Well you'd better hurry up and get it over with before I fall asleep" sex) actively destroy love (and your H's self confidence).
Words of Affirmation: Express real, honest gratitude and appreciation for the things he does. Even if you are thinking "So he goes to work and leaves me at home with the kids all day - so what!, does he get a medal for that?", learn to appreciate it and learn to express your appreciation. Same with doing chores around the house - make sure you TELL him you appreciate it. I know if my W tells me (sincerely) thank you for doing something, I want to run right out and do it twice more and twice as well.
Criticism ("You work too long!" "You didn't wipe down the counters well enough!") is a crushing love destroyer.
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So that's my input. It's probably not the answer you women wanted to hear. There aren't really little chore-type things that fill my love tank. I really do appreciate it (and say so) when my W fixes a great meal, or when she surprises me by mowing the lawn so I don't have to do it, etc, but these aren't going to make me fall head over heels in love.
Other men feel free to jump in here.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I Second what Thinker said. Especially these parts:
Quote:
Note that apathetic physical contact ("begrudging shoulder rubs given only when asked, limp hugs that say you'd rather be somewhere else, "Well you'd better hurry up and get it over with before I fall asleep" sex) actively destroy love (and your H's self confidence).
Can't tell you how many times I got that one. Not saying I'm innocent. Just saying.
Quote:
Criticism ("You work too long!" "You didn't wipe down the counters well enough!") is a crushing love destroyer.
Can't tell you how spot on this is. Well, if you wanted the counters (or fill in the blank) done a specific way, why did you ask me/expect e to do it? This was a HUGE one for me. I often did things, without being asked, or being asked, and I thought I did a good job, only to be met with here's how you did it wrong. After a while of these, to he!! with it, YOU do it then. That then becomes, "my H doesn't do anything for me." Not true!
I often did things, without being asked, or being asked, and I thought I did a good job, only to be met with here's how you did it wrong. After a while of these, to he!! with it, ...
Another example: Yesterday I spend a long time fixing up an area in our house that badly needed it. A spur of the moment project that badly needed it - I had some time and took it on - trim, paint, etc and now it looks great. Vacuumed and cleaned area all up and proudly showed the improvement to to my w...her response "You didn't put the vacuum cleaner away"
D@mn It!
I'm not saying this to vent (I'm used to it so I'm not angry about this one incident), just as an example of what NOT to do.
The correct answer was "Hey Wow!, that looks Great! Thank You!" I would have felt great, and the vacuum would have found its way home without her having to say anything.
Last edited by Thinker; 10/05/0903:38 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Men are like dogs. If you want to make them really happy... - Tell them REALLY clearly what you want them to do - Praise the He!! out of them when they do it - Take the time to scratch their ears and rub their bellies
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It's a great example, Thinker - thank you! I'm sure I've been guilty of the same thing in the past. When you laid it out like then, my heart just sank for you. OF COURSE she should have been appreciative for all your hard work!!
On the flip side - and I say this ONLY to explain; not to defend - what may be going on is that many women feel overwhelmed on a minute-to-minute basis. We already have so much going on, so many obligations between work, kids, spouse and housework that every new thing that gets required of us means something else on one of the other lists simply won't get done. (there was an article floating around on here on the rise of stress and depression among women despite advancements in the career world which should have made women feel more fulfilled.)
So if we walk into a room and the vacuum is out of place, the immediate thought is "I'm going to have to put that away." By itself, it's nothing, a non-issue.
The problem is that the rest of our day goes about like this:
Walk into kitchen. Milk and sandwich fixings left on counter. "I'm going to have to put that away."
Walk into bathroom. Wet towels on the floor. "I'm going to have to hang those up."
Walk into living room. Somebody's socks on floor, sandwich plate by TV, soda cans and old mail on end table. "I'm going to have to clean this up."
Walk into the laundry room. "*&%#@*^!!!"
And if we don't do it ourselves, the alternative is constantly hounding people to clean up after themselves. So the choice for us is a) be overwhelmed and unappreciated, or b) be a nag (and still feel overwhelmed and unappreciated).
Either way we feel like crap!
Again - not to defend, only to (possibly) explain.
And, I will keep this example foremost in my head when my H does things for me now. It even dovetails with something H and I were discussing about kidlet. In 5LL, the book gives the example of a baby just learning to walk. If the baby takes two steps then plops on his butt, we scoop him up and shower him with praise. We don't say "You stupid kid. Why can't you even walk right?" But with a 9 year old, if we ask for toys to be put away and we come back to find only half the job is done, we usually GRIPE at the kid instead of praising for the half that DID get put away.
And I think this happens even more with our spouses - the griping instead of praising bit, that is.
As for providing, that's one thing I've been thanking H for very specifically. My income is not enough to live on by itself. So I've been thanking him for putting a roof over our heads and food on the table. In this economy, and with me having struggled with unemployment, the prospect of not having those things was closer than I ever thought I'd see it.
Last edited by Dia; 10/05/0905:24 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Checking in quickly during lunch. WOW!!!!! This is REALLY terrific everyone. I am learning a lot. It really helps to hear these things from others' perspectives, rather than the same old "recordings" we get when we have these convos with our spouses/SO's. I think that we begin to tune out our spouses/SO's when we hear the same-old, same-old.
I will be checking in after work and hope to contribute to the discussion then.
