Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[etrain]

Had a great time with my S & my college friends yesterday! I really needed a day like that.

I also got a chance to talk with some of my close friends. They're all completely shocked that my W said she was never in love...they remember how in love & happy she was. Consensus seems to be that she's rewriting history & saying that to rationalize something...whether it be the guilt of having an A, or something else. It's like she's trying to convince herself that she never loved me to justify something she's doing right now...whatever it is.

This is a topic I'd really like to discuss at MC on Tuesday but I'm not sure how to. I'll say, "I know that you loved me. I remember how in love & happy you were and all our friends remember it to." She'll say, "Well, I only THOUGHT I was in love, but later realized I really wasn't." Then we're at an impasse again.

[etrain]

One more thing I forgot to mention. After I took our S to the football game yesterday, my W decided to take him to her cousin's house for some jewelry party. Anyway, I had some tense moments last night as 9:00 rolled around (our S's usual bedtime), then 9:30, then 10:00. I honestly thought my W left with our S and wasn't coming home. I finally texted her when they still weren't home at 10:30. Yep, she had our 4 year old out until 10 friggin 30. A couple minutes after my text, she walked through the door & took him right up to bed (our S was already asleep).
I'm telling you..I was about 15 minutes from going ballistic. I was giving her 15 minutes to answer my text. Then I was going to call her cell. If she didn't answer, my next call was going to be to the police.
Anyway, false alarm but aggravating nonetheless. She never even saw my text as I deleted it this morning. But that's how paranoid I am right now. Every time I leave the house, I wonder if W and our S will be there when I get back.

[etrain]

Journaling again: My W was acting more friendly towards me last night & this morning. I think she actually called me "babe" last night. (That's what we always called each other until D-Day, when she started calling me by my name.) She even initiated a few conversations...not about our R but it's a start.

Maybe my Saturday of doing my own thing did have an impact on her after all. We'll see if her more "friendly" demeanor continues.

[Thinker]

But that's how paranoid I am right now. Every time I leave the house, I wonder if W and our S will be there when I get back.

etrain,

What I am reading in your sitch is FEAR. Fear that your W is going to do something, and that your whole life will end as a result.

This fear is going to destroy you, and and take any remaining R you have with your W with it. You need to deal with this fear. This work is on you.

[etrain]

I'm working on it, Thinker. I actually think I've gotten a lot better over the past week or two. I'm already mentally preparing myself for S or D by getting my social life going again. I'm going out w/ friends. I started going to church again. I'm spending my "free" time on things I enjoy doing.

There's still some worry that my W is so unpredictable right now that she might do something off the wall. If my W bails, so be it. If she takes my S with her w/o us agreeing on it first, it's on!
But I don't fear D like I did a couple weeks ago. I'm GAL'ing & 180'ing and I think it's already helping me.

[Thinker]

One thing that I found really helped me is to start really looking at the realities of D. I went and talked to a couple of lawyers, found out what a D would realistically look like for me (financially, etc), calculated a bit and figured out what my post-(theoretical)D standard of living would be, etc. I found that really looking at the details allowed me to sort of "stare it down". After doing this, I still didn't want a D, but I was no longer afraid of it.

I also found SmileysPerson's "Spiers Doctrine" useful. - Based on the premise that a soldier can't really act like he should in war until he accepts that he is already dead (it just hasn't happened yet). Accept that you are already D'd. It just hasn't happened yet. Your old M, the one you have been in for the past years, is truly dead. You may be able to rebuild a new one (or maybe not).

You are also right in rebuilding your social life. With the bomb, I realized that my social life had become dependent on my W, and that also had to change.

One foot in front of the other.

You can do it.

[dburt]

Great advice Thinker.

Burt

[etrain]

That is great advice. I have spoken to a lawyer but I haven't "done the math" yet. I guess I'll assume all income & debt will be split 50/50 & go from there??? That should probably be my next step & I'll try to work on it this week.

Any my social life had 100% depended on my W. That's what I'm in the process of changing. Thanks for all the support and advice. It does help.

[Thinker]

It's not always a 50/50 split.

Debt and assets are normally split 50/50.

Child Support is normally based on a state-specific formula.

Spousal Support is normally based on the income (or assumed income-potential) of each spouse. A local lawyer should be able to give you the specifics.

I was told that here, for example, the "normal" spousal support is 1/3 of the difference between the higher earning spouses income and the income of the lower earning spouse. If the lower earning spouse is not working, then there is normally an assumption made that they will go (back) to work, and the calculation is based on how much they could (theoretically) earn if they did.

The duration of the spousal support varies from 1/2 the duration of the m, to lifetime, depending on a number of factors.

There is also often a negotiation that takes place where higher assets (eg a larger portion of the house equity, or the retirement funds) is traded off against the spousal support. This allows the parties to separate more fully.

As I said, talk through the details with a L. If you don't want to be provocotive, then don't tell your wife and pay cash. ON the other hand, one of the turning points in my sitch was when I told my W I was going to talk to a L and then did.

[ClingingToHope]

As I said, talk through the details with a L. If you don't want to be provocotive, then don't tell your wife and pay cash. ON the other hand, one of the turning points in my sitch was when I told my W I was going to talk to a L and then did.

Was it a good turning point or bad turning point?