I'll be anxious to hear what Sandi -- and others -- think, but I don't see anything wrong with what happened last nite. I think it was HONEST, and it's what's been bottled up inside you, and that it had to come out. And I'm glad to hear that he was willing to answer your questions.
But just as you had the right to bring it up in a not-so-elegant way, and he has to accept that, YOU have to accept that how he answers you -- and what you may or may not get from him in his answer (him holding you) is ALSO honest, and it may not be what you need right now.
I think you BOTH need to give grace in this area.
There is going to be a lot of stuff you both need to work thru. I think all you have a right to expect from him is that he's HONEST when you ask him, and that he's considerate and loving (as best HE can be, in HIS way) in his response.
Maybe if today you thanked him for being honest with you, tell him that you didn't mean to "ambush" him when the evening was going so well but that it just came out, and then tell him that it would help you heal if he could just hold you if that should ever happen again?
When my wife had her affair, she expressed a lot of anger and even stubborn entitlement about how her parents (esp. her mother) and our daughters (esp. D-then-18) were responding to the situation. I remember angrily telling her one night, as we both sat on the edge of our bed, that "You have no right to tell D18 how she gets to respond to this horrible thing in our lives right now!"
You're going to have triggers, K -- places, dates, songs . . . maybe even some stupid TV commercial may set you off someday. He needs to understand that, and you need to be kind to yourself in what you expect from yourself.
