Goodness you can confuse and exasperate me, sometimes resembling my former spouse in maddening ways.
When married each partner should be the emotional confidante, support to the other. In separation and divorce that dynamic usually changes dramatically. You may say that you're there for her, that that's how you roll. That it's in the best interest of the children to keep her from failing.
You have no control. What control you do exert works against you. It's none of your business what she does and does not have in her refrigerator. In fact, it's an invasion of privacy on your part. You are not the caregiver while the kids are with their mom. That is a sad fact in divorce. But the kids do create their own relationship with their mom even if it does not meet your standards of care.
You and your wife seemed to be enmeshed in a dance of razors and scorn. Let her go to learn what she needs to. She may be getting really bad advice, but that's the one she's following.
What she says about your relationships is out of bounds, none of her business. The same holds true of hers. Change the channel, close the door. Be the co-parents and drop the rest.
Let go of the rope you each are burning yourself with.
maybe I missed the details on this but didn't she ask him to watch the kids at her place? Wouldn't the contents of the fridge with regards to the kids well being mean anything? Heck if she had been forthright and said "hey my fridge is full of nothing, can you stop at the store and pick up some food for the kids, I never took care of this previously, sorry about that", that would have been cool in my books but asking him to watch the kids at her place and not giving him a warning that she had nothing to feed them with isn't cool - she doesn't just live by herself anymore and she has kids to worry about taking care of.
@Gypsy: It's none of your business what she does and does not have in her refrigerator. In fact, it's an invasion of privacy on your part. You are not the caregiver while the kids are with their mom.
@robx: maybe I missed the details on this but didn't she ask him to watch the kids at her place? Wouldn't the contents of the fridge with regards to the kids well being mean anything
@robx is correct. Cliff's Notes version would go like this:
Mrs. SP: I can't go to Fab MC#2 for IC because I don't have a sitter that night.
SP: I can pick them up from school and watch them at your house for a couple hours -- more important that you go to IC, from my POV -- if that suits you.
Mrs. SP: Okay, thanks. I should be back by 8.
So. Kids are in Mom's custody. At Mom's house. And Mom has a refrigerator full of...nothing.
If I was a 15-year-old babysitter, the nothingness of the fridge would be my business. Was I just supposed to let them be hungry until she got home with take-out? As the father, the primary caregiver?
So if a separated parent is online, surfing porn, with custody -- that's not the other parent's business? That's an invasion of privacy?
Or let's not be extreme -- the other parent just sits on Chat or the Crackberry the entire time s/he has custody. That's not a concern?
So you're probably right, @polly. I probably need to swoop down like Superman and transform into Eating Crow man, and I probably need to wag my little tail and tumble around like a 2-month-old cocker spaniel, gosh-o-mighty-o-so-eager-to-come-around now that WAW has whistled, and isn't it keeno-swello-and-gosh-I'm-glad-you-came-around-and-what-can-I-do-to-make-you-happy?
Fair call mate !
You may not regret it SP. Your right the WAS who is now the LBS is indeed unlucky
Pollyanna, you say that he has to help her but she will reject his help because it comes from him. She's pushing him away again, I can feel it in the text. She is rebelling again. So what brings her back? Love languages? Making positive donations in the shared joint "love" account.
Seriously how does he help her and why does he have to help her?
My concern for SP is exactly what you describe how Mrs SP feels. SP has control and it feels good. He leads the charge in this family dissolution. SP is ptrobably going to disagree with the term lead the charge - but he is as he likes the feeling of control again. He may even enjoy the bantering and the craziness. He certaining engages in it, everyime Mrs SP starts it.
Is SP going through the anger stage and this is blinding him from knowing what he really wants ? He might not feel angry but I think his posts ooze it. Its been a long time since I have heard any of Mrs SP good qualilites. Has SP forgotten them. There has to be many of them. Those qualities that draw us to our partners, dont go, we or our partner can be blinded to them if involved with a third party, or if we are angry .
How does he save Mrs SP? She is a clever and competent person from what we know. Has her last 22 years meant that she has hardened emotionally to protect herself. She may fear admitting ' I f*&^ed up '. Does her job ever allow her to show vulnerability and weakness? I think maybe not from what we know. IF this is the case then it may take SP months of just being there for her , for her to change. He does not have to roll over for her but he could be emotionally available. Reassure her that Miss someone is not that important at this stage ( unless she is ). Slowly work his mojo on her, find the Mrs SP that drew him in the first place. I really believe it is there.
BUT SP may not really want this m and I think now would be a good time to search his soul. Not keep her hanging. I know how she feels. Time may see the more vulnerable MRS SP come out. Time will also mean that if SP decides that he does not want back, them she is going to hurt and none of us here want anyone to go through what we went through.
@pollyanna: Is SP going through the anger stage and this is blinding him from knowing what he really wants ? He might not feel angry but I think his posts ooze it.
Oh no question -- I'm very angry (again) but it's not blinding me from knowing what I really want. What I really want is PROOF that WAW is no longer WAW. Because I'm not taking WAW back.
Its been a long time since I have heard any of Mrs SP good qualilites. Has SP forgotten them.
No, not forgotten. Mrs. SP has heard me speak of her good qualities often -- when we were sitting on a bench outside a restaurant after our last session with Fab MC#2, and she was engaging in what I'd come to call over the previous 20 years her "ritual abnegation," I went through the lot. She has lots of good qualities.
More's the pity that they're no longer much in evidence these days.
How does he save Mrs SP?
He doesn't, full stop.
I'm not in the saving business. That's Jesus' job.
You want to talk angry -- this makes me angry. The Left-Behind is put through the ringer by The Work -- figure out what you did wrong, fix it, GAL, 180, change, reevaluate, reassess, own up to your mistakes, live the changes... and keep on living the changes until WAS notices and believes, and that could be weeks or months or years... but keep on changing and keep on living the changing and keep on changing the living ... and don't pursue, don't show emotion, act "as-if," don't rescue, let the WAS come to you..... It's ALL ON YOU, Left-Behind. YOU have to "save your marriage."
The hell with that, says I. I don't do Corinthians. I keep score.
So now what? Forget all that, run back at the first possible-theoretical-hypothetical sign of rethinking by WAS -- crowd WAS, "save" WAS, bundle WAS back up by the familiar hearth, reunited and it feels so good?
Bullsh*t, says I. Let WAW Herself do some friggin' Work. It was my job to save ME (okay -- and to save Ferris, but that's another story).
'Tain't my job to save HER. If she gets saved and straight and "right with the lord" (metaphorically speaking), then she'll be someone I'd be a fool to not take back. Right now, she's someone anyone'd be a fool to take.
If she wants to come right out and say, "Smiley's Person old boy, I f*cked up. You got right, so now I'm gonna get right. And when I get right, I hope you'll be open to opening the door at that time. To exploring it all again."
And I'd say, "Sounds fine to me."
But I'm not fishing, I'm not reading between the lines, I'm not mind-reading, I'm not getting off of MY PATH, and I'm damn sure not picking up the threads on the basis of her oblique, half-confessional, half-commitable behavior.
I've been Rolling My Way all along after I got right with the gods that fine, rainy, Big Midwestern City day. And I'm not stopping.
Reassure her that Miss someone is not that important at this stage
Told her a thousand times if I've told her once. She WANTS Miss Someone to be that important -- for one, I suspect, because it helps rationalize her whoring around European City (her words, by the way). And for another because it comports with her recurring "no one will ever love me so I'll be all alone" mantra which, I think, is supposed to make me feel bad but actually just irritates me because -- forgive me for saying so -- this all falls into the category of things that might have been good to think about yesterday.
SP may not really want this m and I think now would be a good time to search his soul. Not keep her hanging.
"This m" -- you mean, this relationship with this WAW? Not even no -- oh hell no.
Some future version? Some honest and forthright and not-lying and not-information-hiding and not intention-misleading and un-Crazy Train driving Mrs. SP?
Maybe. Who knows if she really wants a relationship with me? She's on the run.
IT'S THE FEAR. And we all know how sound one's decisions are when taken in THE FEAR.
She's running.
She's running from THE FEAR, the fear of herself, and where do you run when you have no place left to go? You run home.
And no hanging-keeping involved. Here's what I told her, bold as brass, after a telconvo in which she assured me "he was great":
I'm happy for you, really; you need it. But it doesn't change anything. First of all, you're not hurting me. "Oh, no, Mrs. SP bl*w someone and she wouldn't bl*w me." News flash -- I got used to it.
Let me be as clear as I can be: I don't want to reconcile with you right now. I don't like you right now. I don't like who you are, I don't like what you do with this on-again/off-again with the Crazy Train, and I have no intention whatsoever of putting up with it for a minute.
Mrs. SP: What? Are you telling me you're "done"? Trying to get back at me for saying that to you -- so lame.
SP: Nope. Telling you I'm done for now.
I don't see what she's doing as vulnerability. I see it as Fear.
And until she has the confidence to Walk Her Way, she's on her own. I'm not shouldering the load of anybody else's Fear. Not anymore.
Sell The Fear someplace else; we're all stocked up here.
So. Kids are in Mom's custody. At Mom's house. And Mom has a refrigerator full of...nothing.
If I was a 15-year-old babysitter, the nothingness of the fridge would be my business. Was I just supposed to let them be hungry until she got home with take-out? As the father, the primary caregiver?
So if a separated parent is online, surfing porn, with custody -- that's not the other parent's business? That's an invasion of privacy?
Or let's not be extreme -- the other parent just sits on Chat or the Crackberry the entire time s/he has custody. That's not a concern?
All of the above can be a concern, but it's still out of your control. Period. Unless you call a child protection agency. Or have an custody investigation done. Aside from that it's your opinion, something you disagree with.
You offered to babysit, she didn't ask you. Are you still doing that? Offering before she learns to ask? Clamp your trap and sit on your hands, fella! Part of this process is learning that on person does not have all the answers. And Smiley isn't supposed to do everything for every Body..
We all walk through the sludge of an upturned life, slipping, tripping and occasionally skipping on our way to firmer ground.
Tell her your personal life is off limits. Tell yourself that in regards to her (and her appliances) and you.
Let her shrink/psychologist be the one she turns to for her issues. It sure isn't working for either of you when she pesters you (and you reply).
You are no longer each other's emotional confidante. You are not her 'safety net' when you're going out and discovering life as a single dad. That comes through loud and clear.
Decide who you are. What your priorities are. And go from there.
As far as not kidding a kidder, I only got out of counseling what I was willing to put in. The more forthright I was, even about little things that I hid, the healthier I became. And it sucked. I sucked at it. But life got a bazillion times better... eventually.
I'm not in the saving business. That's Jesus' job.
. . .
'Tain't my job to save HER. If she gets saved and straight and "right with the lord" (metaphorically speaking), then she'll be someone I'd be a fool to not take back. Right now, she's someone anyone'd be a fool to take.
If she wants to come right out and say, "Smiley's Person old boy, I f*cked up. You got right, so now I'm gonna get right. And when I get right, I hope you'll be open to opening the door at that time. To exploring it all again."
And I'd say, "Sounds fine to me."
. . .
And until she has the confidence to Walk Her Way, she's on her own. I'm not shouldering the load of anybody else's Fear. Not anymore.
Sell The Fear someplace else; we're all stocked up here.
I'm with SP here -- I think he's got it right. It's NOT his job to "save" her, nor to even "fix" her. It's his job to REMAIN OPEN to her doing the work necessary to "save" or to "fix" herself. And while I do hear some honest anger from him (and I think this is a GOOD thing), he does also sound OPEN, even if it's not right now.
Really, what more does she have a right to expect from him??
I've preached the unconditional love for a long time, but there is a secret deep-down part of me that completely relishes watching the wheel's come off my W's crazy train.
Not because I want her to suffer, but because it's good to know that nice guys only finish last at FIRST.
Sorry about your situation SP. Can't blame you for the anger (not saying anger is wonderful but sometimes good changes can be made out of the energy that anger brings.) I think we all wonder why it's left all on our shoulders to yet again be the patient supportive spouse....meanwhile we have just as many reasons to feel unloved and neglected in our marriage - but we didn't walk away. We are the ones willing to realize marriages go through hard times and it takes 2 to break a marriage.
I can see now that I should have treated my H so, so much better! He did deserve better! But is he blind to the way he also treated me? What H thinks his wife is going to be all sweet and supportive if he drops the romance, touching, and cuts way back on sex? I don't know yet what the future holds but believe me, if we ever get back together I would treat him the way he deserves...and I also would not put up with all the cr#p that I put up with on my end to make the marriage work!
But this is about you...I pray your anger will be turned into some positive actions that will benefit you and your kids - and lead to the peace & happiness you deserve!
