PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Sunday 9/27 - H went to work all day. Told me he was only a phone call away if I needed anything. I was in my bedroom and went out to living room to watch a movie after he got home that night. He was in his room with door closed which means he was on phone for quite a while. Did come out and say good-night to me and went to bed.

Monday 9/28 - H came home from work, sat in kitchen and talked to me while I made dinner. Ate "together" across from each other in kitchen. Told me he was going to the gym and I was welcome to come with him and ride in truck with him, which I did. Worked out together. Got home, H says he is going to pool, I say I'm going to hot tub. Walk there together, go in hot tub and pool together, walk back together. Watch tv in living room together when we get home. I leave and go to bed first. Exchange good-nights.

Tuesday 9/29 - H came home for quick dinner, chatted for few mins. H had a side-job to do that evening and was going back to work. I went to bed around midnight and heard him get home a little later.

Wednesday 9/30 - Lunchtime - Waved at H as he was getting in his truck and I was pulling out of driveway to leave for my Dr.'s appt. H got home around 5:30. I was in kitchen making dinner. He sat at bar and we talked, told me about his day. Then H went and showered and packed up to leave. Came in kitchen & asked me for a favor. His laundry had been sitting on kitchen table for many days. Asked if I could help him fold it. I said no problem, told him I had considered folding it for him a couple days before because he had been busy with work so much, but didn't want to overstep my bounds. H went and got his stuff to leave, stopped in kitchen, asked if he could take a bowl of dinner to go, then changed his mind, said good-bye and left.

I folded all his laundry. While doing, I had to deal with seeing two new pairs of underwear that I know he wouldn't have bought himself. Which made me think "What the heck am I doing sitting here folding his laundry while he is off with OW?" Then I made mistake of going in bathroom and looking at my surgical wound/scar and started feeling so ugly, rejected, hurt, angry, jealous, depressed, and scared. Called my SisIL and was able to pull myself back up a little but still felt more negative than I have in a long time. I had been trying to prep myself for a few days that having H at home was going to come to an end. My surgery was over and in his mind I'm sure he was thinking he had played his supportive role in getting me through it and was ready to get back to OW. I knew he would be gone again soon and back off to his other life. It was the longest stretch he had been at home in months, a week and a half straight. But it seems like no matter how hard you try you can just never prepare to "feel" the feelings in the moment even though you know they will be coming - the sadness and loneliness still just plain SUCK.

Thursday 10/1 - Saw H had been home for lunch, but had a feeling he wouldn't be home that evening because he had told me previous weekend he had "somewhere" to go on Thursday night. H didn't come home and NC.

Friday 10/2 - I got home from work and could tell that H had not been there all day. Also, his work shoes were in garage, so think that he must have taken day off work as well. Pisses me off, because now all of the sudden he can take so much time off of work to go and do things with OW. But when I had asked him to take a day off here and there to do something/spend time together, it was always "I have to work" & would never do it. And now he has also said a few times "Everyone deserves a day off now and then." In GAL, I had plans to be gone for the weekend anyways regardless if he was going to be there or not. Made myself look smokin hot and was off for a night out and a weekend of fun. NC from H.

Saturday 10/3 - Around 6:30pm I get a text from H - "Hey! Do you remember where the home depot design center is in (city)? I can't remember exactly....." a) This is somewhere that we had been on some fun outings together b) Why does he need to ask me?, can't he find other resources for finding stuff? c) I hadn't seen him/talked to him since Wed evening, was this really him just trying to find something to be able to have contact with me?

I waited an hour later and responded with "Hey - closed down - went bankrupt" Wondering if I should have been more enthusiastic back to him and/or more friendly toned?

Then later I get another text from him "That sucks. I drove by the building it was in, but wasn't sure if that was actually it. Hows your weekend going? Your shoulder ok?" a) Ok - so he did know where it was. b) What/Why does he care how my weekend is going while he is off with OW?!?!

I waited another hour or so and replied "Weekend is great - Shoulder is feeling/doing good" Again, was this to passe', wondering if I needed to implore more emotion/enthusiasm?

No other contact from H.

Sunday 10/4 - I got home from my weekend around 11:00pm. H not home, could tell he had not been there since he last left on Wed evening.

Monday 10/5 - Heard H come home this morning a little after 8 and leave for work about 15 mins later. I stayed in my bedroom with door closed.

Really struggling with feeling like I am just the biggest idiot on the planet right now. Wondering why I still love him/want to be with him?????? Ugh.