Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

Look Antlers, if you contact her now (at a point where she's felt strong enough to take some sort of action ie divorce papers) when she has told you not to contact her, this will just be seen as pursuing. If I was in her shoes it would seem like more of the same manipulation to get her back under your control.

Respect her choices, let them sit with her for a while. do you want her back because she feels guilty or hounded or do you want her to realise on her own that you are serious about your changes?

I have been in limbo for almost three years and have been through all sorts of shite. I fancy I can put myself in your wife's shoes. I would have to see a bucket load of consistent changes before I felt comfortable with my h to fully trust him again. He is only just starting (I pray that he continues) to take responsibility for himself after three years of roller coastering. He has made soem changes but I see plenty of integral parts of his personality that make me question whether he will stick with looking inside himself. I can only hope. I'm scared to try and work things out (we are still separated) I'm frustrated where things are at the moment (in limbo with various cycles of crap). Your wife may not _see_ your changes the way you do. You will have to suck it up and give it time - I'm not sure how things work where you are but legal stuff rarely happens quickly.

Hello Purple.

First, thank you for being here and responding. I'm in a hard place right now and I need help/support. Her behavior toward me vascillates and I don't understand that. Right now she's at a place where she's felt strong enough to file for divorce. I've had so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions since she told me she had filed, that I felt an overwhelming need to express them to her. And I did some. Truth be told, she already knows how I feel, and no further expression of it was necessary...except to me. And I see your point...she may just see it as pursuing and more manipulation. Although 'that' was not my intention. I haven't sent her anything like that since yesterday afternoon. And again, I believe your point of view is correct on this...I don't intend to contact her anymore about anything other than that about our kids...God help me.

"Respect her choices, let them sit for a while." That makes good sense, it's just hard to do. I believe in that advice though and, God help me, I intend to do it. I so want her to realize on her own that I am serious about my changes. I know the things you are saying are sound and true, but under emotional duress we sometimes make bad decisions and do things that aren't really in our best interests. I'm human, and I've done this recently...not making excuses, I'm just crushed and hurt.

How can she see the changes if we never spend any time together? I want her to trust me. I've taken responsibility from the beginning of this mess. I don't know if she's scared, or just 'done'. Sure seems to me it's the latter. I don't think she sees my changes, or trusts them...or even cares. And the 'not even caring' part hurts the most. I've got no choice but to suck it up and go through with it. I'm in Oklahoma, and I don't know about the legal process, what to expect, time involved, etc.. I don't look forward to the legal proceedings.


ps - I want you guys to know how much it means to me that you take the time to respond and try to help me out here, and be supportive. Thank you. And thank you Purple. Please stick around. Your experience and insight is helpful, supportive, and needed.