So, I go back tomorrow. We'll see how it all goes. Now for the real test. The two week mark will be Monday. Not sure if we are going to have a sit down with the intention of "talking" but at this point....I hope not.
And every time I come to visit family and friends, my body and esp. my face must hate the water here because I now look like a 14 year teen age girl, fighting puberty. Great.
I'm so sorry this is happening STronger. I don't know if this is the case for you = take it with a grain of salt if not - but I find this to be true in my sitch. Whether consciously or not, my H will throw roadblocks in my way to "test" whether I will flip out. When I flip out, he can point the finger at me and not have to take responsibility for his own ambiguity.
Stronger, is it possible he does these things to give you the ultimate test? In other words, not intentionally, but to actually try to push you to your personal edge of flipping out to see if you can stay strong? It's not fair, but they often do this.
How about saying this to him "Take care of this NOW and there's no problem. Until the Lawyers are alerted to our new situation, let's just have some space. I need to cool way down." This will show him you are dealing with your own feelings and insisting he take responsibility for his own crazy indecisions.
You are totally validated in your feelings. Totally. But, expressing the anger to him will push him away. He needs to take this action on his own. He needs to do this for himself and for you.
the best thing is the smile from a pretty girl, THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!
Ok, he's someone that needs external validation. How about reframing it in your head to mean "Wow, look at what an attracive H I have, how lucky am I that he's with me?" Any affair of course changes things, but if it just pumps his ego, perhaps you could find a different way to do this. Some people are more comfotable having friendships with the opposite sex. I was to a great extent. When H was still here I didn't do those things b/c I felt it was inappropriate. So, I have found women friends that I hold very dear.
I understand that you're upset at the loss of the job. I have to say though, when I was a hiring manager, that would not have been an issue for me (I can imagine it would be in certain tyoes of jobs though).
Having said that though, don't be angry or bitter about it. Just move on. The next opportunity will be just as good or better.
Thanks guys. Very good advice. Before the affair that is how I looked at it Grace. The affair changes my view, but you're right, I felt better, healthier with my original outlook which was exactly how you suggested I see it. I'll get there again. Hopefully.
I think I may have misjudged somethings. Based on what he was saying (why did I believe him? I knew/know better) he was over her. He's not. I think he's NOW mourning the loss of that relationship.
I need to go back and read DB about this time when the WAS or MLCer is getting over the OP. I remember bits and pieces but I have to refresh and see how to handle it. It sucks.
I'm over the job loss. And it's a pretty high profile job....we both have them now. His more so than mine, but still pretty high profile jobs. And so that's what it comes down too, the hiring managers want no drama from the person who would get that position because there's enough in the day to day, the personal drama wouldn't help. I understand and I couldn't prove the filing stopped me. I got it around the way and the person who told me, also high profile, made it clear she wouldn't be involved and would deny giving me the information. Again, I understand.
I'm home now. It's been nice. I've been fighting myself internally. Wondering "How can we recover? He fell in love with someone else. How can he come back to what he was trying to leave after finding love and happiness somewhere else?"
I have some answers that help keep me in this....but I would love to hear everyone's opinion....answers to those questions. I need some encouragement. It's sort of dark here even though he's being great. I'm really fighting to just STFU and not tell him "You know what....here, here's your divorce."
How can we recover? He fell in love with someone else. How can he come back to what he was trying to leave after finding love and happiness somewhere else?"
I think the point here is that he is willing to come back and work on it. That fact alone says that he realizes the potential.
Was he never in love with someone before you? Were you never in love before? We all know that feeling esp early on when you walk on air. Then it comes down to the day to day and there has to be commonalities and a willingness to build the dream together.
Would telling him "here's your divorce" really make you feel better? It sounds like retalliation to me. That won't get you anywhere you want to be. Find another way to take out your anger and hurt. Something physical perhaphs?
I wish I had to words to really explain how I see all this. Bear with me and I'll give it a shot.
I do not wear rose colored glasses. I do not believe that my H will magically come back and we live happily ever after. I do believe that with hard work I will not FAIL (you have to define what that means to you). I believe in me and in us.
What if I put all this time and effort into this and he never comes back, and I never even have a shot? Then I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I did right and with any luck have learned from everything else.
I am not perfect. I have flaws and imperfections just like everyone else. And you know what? We are all lovable with those imperfections.
How do you recover? You look to the depths of yourself and as far into him as you can. Then you discover what it is to be human and fcuk up. Find the compassion that lives inside you and forgive not only him, but yourself. Then you can move on.
Thanks Grace. I am very physical....back to the college days in terms of weight. Lots of exercise. Sometimes, I'm distracted and that's when I tried to think all of this through. I guess my fear is that he's here physically, but not emotionally. I'm concerned he's only going through the physical motions to try to make the divorce more friendly. I guess there are friendly divorces, but ours probably won't be, if it got to that point. I have been very clear to him that it's all or nothing with me and him. While he doesn't agree, I think he does understand/believe me.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Good morning! I'm back at work! I'm actually glad to be here, yet procrasitnating a bit....
Yesterday, H gets DRUNK. We were supposed to go out for dinner but he was celebrating his victory and the fact another buddy got a hole in one. (Big tournament this weekend, H had fun obviously.)
Around 3 or so, I get a text from H, before he's bombed that he's going to be home around 4ish. I decided at that moment, it's going to be a miracle if he's home at 5. No biggie. Still had stuff I was doing post vacation.
At 5, I send him a text asking about dinner. I get one in response that basically says "I'm drunk." Very short statement, lots of misspellings none the less. I text back that we will meet him up there for dinner. He says, I think "Good idea."
Before we get there, H calls me and says to meet him at his place, about 30 seconds from the club. I said OK. He announces he super drunk and I ask Why are you driving? He says it's ok because a buddy is following him. I won't get into it, but this makes me crazy. I wish for so many reasons he wouldn't do this, but.....I say nothing but OK.
I beat him to his place by seconds. Indeed his buddy did follow him home to make sure he was ok.
Now I'm going to abbreviate. H was more drunk than I realized. He proceeds to puke up his body weight. S and I go to get some pizzas. We get back, he's passed out on the floor. I get S situated and get H a pillow.
Little bit later, H wants me to talk to him. So we talk about nada at first, then he goes on with "I don't like anyone but S." I said "Great. Do you like Friend?" H says "Nope, hate him too." I asked "Do you dislike your mother?" H shocks me with "My mom is pissed at me, so I'm pissed at her. So no, I don't like her either right now."
H is very very close to his parents, esp. his mother. But the fact that he said they are pissed at each other is huge for me, I hope in a good way. H has spent many months bad mouthing me to them to justify his crap and he said it was his parents who forced him to get his own place and are paying for it. He said they were the ones pushing for him to file. I'm not mad at them since I know they were lied to and not told other important facts, such as things related to OW.
I asked H "Is she mad at you because of me?" He said "I don't want to talk about it." So I said "Do you like the mayor?" And so forth.
Later, he tells me "You have to stay here. I shouldn't sleep by myself." And he was actually being serious, there was nothing seedy or underhanded about it. He drank way too much. I said "Sure, let me go get some things and walk the dog."
When I got back, he snuggled up to me and went on for a good bit complimenting me. I complimented back and he said "Stop...I'm not fishing here. Let me talk." So I did. He said several times again "(compliment)....but I don't like you." So I finally asked "Ok, why don't you like me? The feeling is mutual, but seriously, why?" He would giggle and say "It's a secret.....but I don't like you."
Eventually, on his own he said "I'm just waiting....I'm waiting to see when the crazy comes back....I'm waiting."
So, I guess I got challenged......
And today, for the first time in MONTHS, he called me. To see how I was, how S was.
