Question

[awest1217]

Alright so it has been a crazy weekend! Yesterday H calls and calls when he knows I am at church. Since my phone was on vibrate, I knew he was calling so I took the call. H said he is coming home and I am a little taken aback. I was planning on my brother and his family coming over for dinner after church so I told H that and he said that he was worried that they would be mean to them. I said he needs to get over it and he needs to prove to a lot of people he isn't going to hurt me anymore. Then H proceeds to ask if he will be a priority in my life if he comes home like if he is sick will I miss church to take care of him. I said I am not on trial here, but if he was honestly sick and not just having a cold, of course I would stay home to take care of him. I said I know what my priorities are and if he wants to come home it is his business, but I am at church and would talk to him later.

When I got home, some of his stuff was already on the porch, he doesn't have a key to the house. My brother and family were over so we ate dinner just like I had planned. I stopped to give H a hug when he came with another load. I then went back to eating. As we were moving stuff back in, OW text H but I didn't say anything. Then other sister-in-law, big family, text me and he says "someone checking in". I said yes, and got a little upset. He asked why and I said because although I knew OW was texting him, I did not make a big deal out of it. He then breaks down sobbing uncontrolably. He says how he is leaving again because this is going to be too hard. How he is just going to leave the state and never come back, and to move on without him. Don't tell S anything about him.

I proceed to calm him down and reassure him that he has taken the hardest step which is coming home. He kept saying he is going to hurt me again and didn't want to. I asked if he was going to be faithful from here on out and not abandon us. He said yes, and so I reassured him everything would be ok.

The rest of the night was good. We went shopping for a few things he wanted for the house (new sheets, some food, a thing for the shower). It was nice. We then played and put stuff away. We joked, smiled and laughed which was great. At night we slept in the same bed and at least were caring towards one another (believe me I know the physical stuff will take a long time to come back).

Right now I am very iffy on this whole thing. I don't know what to think. I am happy he is home, but scared at the same time that he is only home because I am going to see a lawyer. (my appointment is today and I am keeping that appointment). Last week I was at a point where I did not know if I ever wanted him back, and here he is. I just don't know. On top of it all, as I was looking for the key I gave him, I saw a letter from his parents. It said how they understood I had controlled him all his life and not let him grown at all. How the whole family understood how I had been a ______ to him the whole time we have been together and stunted his growth, then proceeds to say how he and OW should take things slowly and how his brothers would not accept her at first, but would with time. They would like her right away. I could not believe what I was reading. I have not said anythign to H because I didn't want to get do this during emotion and say things I did not mean. NOw this was written at the beginning of the summer BEFORE I had started to change me, but still it HURTS!

I just don't know what to think. I am very confused, sad, hurt, but at the same time happy. I want my marriage to work especially becuase I know if we can make it work it is what is in the best interest of S, but I am scared that nothing will change. H kept saying in his break down, "I am not strong enough". I am just scared that I am not strong enough for both of us to lean on.