Fallgirl`s Second Thread

[cat04]

You did good sweetie.

Keep up the xanax for a bit if you need it.

This is just the next step.

[Fallgirl]

Watching paint dry-well, that potentially is what waiting for next week`s mediation appt could be about-so I literally started painting just to get another GAL project moving, and get myself into `fresh start` mode.

Off work today so tackled some woodwork that needed painting, then took off for lunch with the kids to a place we`d been meaning to go for a long time.Nice afternoon!

Great night also with my gfs last night-was home after H in the early hours of the morning.

Met my vbf quite by chance this evening. Caught up with two old friends on the phone too.

So lots of good things happening.

Passes the time. And stops me from watching the paint dry!

Thanks for this place-you guys make it what it is-a place of deep friendship, great support and hope.

[trustingfaith]

FG -

Sounds like you are doing well all things considering. I'm glad you have had your friends, kids, and watching actual paint dry to distract you. Do you have any fun plans for the rest of the weekend?

[Fallgirl]

Oh TIF, I swear I am struggling through the weekend.Up and down like a yoyo but think I`m putting an ok face on for the world.

I know its H`s rejection of me that`s hurting the most right now.

It makes my blood boil and I really want to bawl him out of it.

But that wouldn`t help!

Anyway, I`m doing OK. I know what my pain avoidance pattern is now-getting over busy, over addicted to fun stuff-and I know to feel the pain, know where its hurting, find out exactly what it is and take action.

I know, f`rinstance that H rejecting me is really part of his rejecting himself.

I also know that H may never come back once he`s walked out that door.

I don`t know that I`ll even DB anymore when he does walk as that wouldn`t truly be letting him go.

I know I`m hugely fearful about the chance that`s going to happen in my life and in the lives of the children.

Not much I can do about that except cry, and hope. And negotiate the very best damn deal for us that I can.

I`ve meditated a lot this weekend. Got out into the wilds to be in the midst of Nature. Just to feed my well of calm. Cos I need all the calm I can get!

Found The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peckin the attic while I was rooting around for something else. I need it right now!

[trustingfaith]

FG,

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now with this date looming over your head. It sounds like you are doing okay and certainly the best you can with what you have.

I am with you on the rejection thing. That is absolutely the one thing that sends me in the biggest tailspin any time I allow myself to think about it. The disbelief that he feels like all the years we have shared HAPPILY mean nothing, certainly not enough to try to "work" on things. My head knows he is going through turmoil and a crisis and that it really doesn't have so much to do with me as him, but my heart can't quite grasp that all the time. It is incredibly painful.

The fear of the unknown, what will happen, will our kids be okay is also he!!.

The thing is, your future to a big extent what YOU choose to make of it for you and the kids, with or without your H. And you can make it good!

[ClingingToHope]

The disbelief that he feels like all the years we have shared HAPPILY mean nothing, certainly not enough to try to "work" on things. My head knows he is going through turmoil and a crisis and that it really doesn't have so much to do with me as him, but my heart can't quite grasp that all the time. It is incredibly painful.

Yes. That's an awful feeling. And every time I hear her voice on the phone and sense that there's no pain, no uncertainty, it comes right back.

Does that ever totally go away?

[cat04]

Fg,

I've been thinking about your post all day.

You sound up and down, but basically ok.

You know, I read a comment once about DB being a self improvement book, not a save your marriage book.

Divorce, death, job loss are some of the most horrible experiences we can go through. Things that effect us greatly.
We don't move through those feelings quickly or without the added feelings of fear and anger. But we can move through them.

I really hope, regardless of what you H ultimately ends up doing that you don't stop DBing. You may choose to stop standing for your marriage, but DBing is not about that. It is about improving yourself. Learning, living, and loving.

Have a good day. We are all here for you.

[Storm Rider]

Hey Fallgirl!

You are holding it together really well.

I agree its H's rejection that is most painful. It just pure pain at times. Then once you have let it out you pick yourself up and find a new happy place, hopefully a bit better than where you were before. Its a tough week for you. Just do what you need to do to get through it. Can you get a bunch of extra movies etc for your kids so you can time out for yourself should the need to do so arise?

I think you have made such positive changes by DBing that they will stay with you but understand that you may feel less inclined to direct towards your H. To me, there is not much he will see or listen to until he is ready to really look your way
again.

You have conducted yourself so well in such dificult situations, don't underestimate your strength and grace under fire. Thats the stuff you will carry with you for you and your kids.

Now go get chocolate, ice cream or whatever you should have filled the house with and go hard!

[Mach1]

FG,

I may be way off here, but I think this date has set a negative expectation in your mind.

It isn't a date for a picnic, I understand. But it also doesn't have to suck really bad either.

Whatever happens is gonna happen , whether you feel crappy about it or not.

You ( and he ) both think that the legal AND emotional side of this of gonna be over when the Gavel falls.....very wrong.

It is only gonna affect one side of that....

All the problems, and all of his spinning are STILL gonna be there, All of those feelings do not go away with a swing of the hammer.

The issues, the deep rooted ones, are still gonna be there until he reaches the end of this tunnel.

This seperation, it can be viewed as a positive thing if you can wrap your brain around that.

It will give you both the time you need to heal from the issues that are plaguing both of you.

Find a way to take a step today, then one tomorrow, then the next day..........etc

Sometimes......sometimes, the things we think are gonna kill us, are the best things to happen to us...

How are YOU gonna handle this ?

[Fallgirl]

Well, as co incidence would have it, me and the kids finally found a puppy we all like and are due to pick him him Tues or Weds. That`ll keep them distracted through the start of this next phase.

I am doing ok. Going biking was the very best thing I did for myself yesterday. Had a little self indulgent weep along the way but could also get stuck into admiring the countryside.M

Meditated too which really helps anchor me.

Get ferociously tired though when stress hits so got to bed early. H is showing signs of stress too-went out last night. I honestly believe he just goes for a drive and maybe phones his family during those times. And heard him walking about the house at 2 am so not sleeping either.

In the midst of all this I keep hoping he`ll change his mind and agree to work on the M with me. But he`s not raising my hopes.

Hope is a killer right now.

Anyway, I`m prepped for tomorrow.Have decided to let the meeting unfold what it may. I will be calm, and dignified throughout. I have xanax to take after should the outcome be cery stressful as I will need to present to work afterwards and don`t need to be a basket case for that. Will also take notes.

I know its important to hold onto my changes when the going gets tough so I`ll stay as close as possible to the calm new me throughout.Don`t need to be morphing back into the shrew I was at this point!

Cat, regarding DBing after, I`ll hold the changes though I cant see that it would be good to hold onto the hope that H will look my way again.I expect to move on myself at that point.

Thanks friends, for your thoughtful posts and support.

I feel blessed that DBing has brought me this place too.