I've heard two schools of thought on this. If you do go down the D path, your daughter is never going to know you guys together and should adjust since that is how her life has always been.
I was 12 when my parents divorced and my childhood had two distinct phases -- before and after.
My D10 is really struggling with our split. Even the D7 is right now, although as she gets older, if we don't get back together, most of her childhood will have been with us apart.
All I can say is when she starts talking, call her every day. Take every opportunity you can to see her.
Life sucks sometimes.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Another day without talking to the X or to hear about my D. Keep myself busy. Today I worked and then volunteered at a fundraiser that was a big party. Great time and met up with some high school friends and it was a blast. I am good when I am out and then I come home to the empty nest. fun times.
Should I call tomorrow? Would like to know what is going on with D. If I don't call I feel like she interprets as I don't care. So I hate to be hesitant to call thinking I am doing good for the DB and at the same time she is gettin all that more resentful about it.
So I broke down and called the X to check on my D. Tried to make arrangements for visitation and began discussing what my D has been doing.
I tried to discuss getting my daughter for a full weekend when I miss a weekend due to my work (it was in the visitation plan court order that we were to make alt arrangements to make up the time missed). X wanted to do Sundays overnight for weekends missed. Last Sunday I did not get her until 5pm and had to have her back before I go to work on Monday early. Not much time to spend with her to take away a full weekend. When compare the two. I would prefer to have a full weekend vs. three Sundays. X recently told me she doesn't get much quality time when she comes home from work and has to be back at work the next day. Same concept, but we all know it is a double standard for them.
Last weekend I was supposed to get my D and she had already made plans. How crazy is that? She said I could get her on Sunday and b/c that was better than not seeing my D, I agreed to get her. Today she tells me that I "lied" b/c "I told her that I would do the Sundays to make up the weekend and now I am saying I did not say that."
How do you handle that. This is my time with my D and per prior posts on here, I am told to stand my ground. As I tried to do that tonight she basically tells me that the only reason I see my D is to get back at her. I really don't care about my D and only b/c I pay child support and want to feel like I am getting something back for my money do I even get my D.
X asks me how often I get my older D. I just try to divert the conversation somewhat. She asks again, I tell her everyday kiddingly. I get her like every Tues evening. She knows this. She says "see you are a liar". whatever...
X says everyone knows I am a bad person. Negative, rude and the list goes on and on. she says I just try to argue with her. If you don't agree with her she argues with you and says it is all you arguing with her. wow...
She keeps asking me what book i have read or what therapist have I been seeing b/c I keep saying "I understand how you feel that way", I can see how you feel / percieve that", etc. She say I am talking in circles. Probably b/c I keep trying to obtain some agreement on visitation. We need some C - bad...
I said I did want to get her on Sunday, but don't want that to be towards my full weekends. She says I could not get her. I try to reason with her again to see D and x says she will check her calendar on Monday. wow.. I am like what about Sunday.. She says she will have to think about it and call me back. What a trip...
Please give me some guidance here. I need some help. The aliens have taken over. I try to be understanding. Before I know it, we were on the phone like 45 minutes. way too long.. Please help a guy out..
Your X sounds like she has some growing up to do. And has some bitterness she needs to let go.
Quote:
As I tried to do that tonight she basically tells me that the only reason I see my D is to get back at her. I really don't care about my D and only b/c I pay child support and want to feel like I am getting something back for my money do I even get my D.
The response is "X, you don't know what I think. If you want to know, just ask. But, don't assume what I'm thinking."
Quote:
X says everyone knows I am a bad person. Negative, rude and the list goes on and on. she says I just try to argue with her. If you don't agree with her she argues with you and says it is all you arguing with her. wow...
So, if everyone knows it, why does she feel the need to tell you something you should already know? She's projecting her view of herself onto you.
Are you negative, rude, etc.? Response is "X, I'm sorry you feel that way." And don't let her bait you into a fight. That's what she wants.
Now, as far as your D is concerned, you are entitled to the visitation schedule you both agreed to. And your D needs to see you. Don't back down on this. The one who suffers will be your D.
I would call tomorrow am (at a reasonable hour) and tell her you want to pick up your D at whatever time has been customary before she started pulling this funny business.
And if she continues with this, you should make it clear to her in a non-threatening way, that if she doesn't abide by the schedule to which she agreed, you have no choice but to seek that through the court. You don't want to do that, but will if you have to. And if she doesn't abide by the visitation schedule, follow through.
I did call around 11am and asked her if I could get my D. She said I could and I went and picked her up after work. She was a little nicer and we even shook hands.. wow..
Makes me sad b/c I feel like I treat her so nice and she is so mean spirited. I was kidding with her when I called to let her know I was coming to pick up my D. The other day she drilled me with questions about "did I feed my D when I had her", "What am I feeding her" and "does she sleep when she is with you?" Today she asked me if I was going to feed her, so I asked her if she did not feed her and what she was feeding her, what kind, what was in it. She said "are you making fun of me?" I was like no and just apologized. I told her I was just kidding. She said "too late you already did it and you weren't kidding, you don't know how to kid." Wow again..
When I saw her, makes me want to work things out. Hard seeing each other. I tried to call after my D and I were home for about an hour (weak moment). She did not answer and I did not leave a msg. Get strong and man up...
fun times.