The most frustrating and hurtful part of all this, is that he doesn't think there's a problem (or not much of a problem).
As far as his saying he loves me and still finds me sexy and attractive....he is physically affectionate with me. There's lots of hugging and kissing and cuddling. Since a lot of the neglected spouses here don't even get that much, sometimes I feel guilty for complaining.
Sometimes I feel like the fact that I want sex more often, means that I'm a slut. The man is supposed to want it more than the woman does, right? Then the voice of reason in my head says, "Wanting sex more than once a month does NOT make me a slut!"
As far as the physical health stuff: my H smokes. I don't think he smokes heavily, but how much would a guy have to smoke to affect it?
Also, I confess, I occasionally smoke myself, under severe provocation. Hey, life is stressful, and *something* has to give. I'm trying to lose weight and succeeding, so I don't want to eat. I'm not getting laid. I loathe exercise and only do the minimum necessary to lose weight. I have to drive too much to get into drinking. In my job, illegal drugs would be a MAJOR no-no. So what's left for stress relief, except smoking? So, with that in mind, I can't exactly get on his case about smoking.
I did suggest today that he go to the doctor - he has a lot of sinus problems, from time to time he has to have skin cancers removed, and in general seems to be more "delicate" than I am. I had the same cold he did, earlier in the week, but I just took some cold medicine and went to work and carried on as usual. The cold was worse for him (ended up w/ a sinus infection) so he stayed home.
But his answer to my suggestion that he go to the doctor was that he had a complete physical in Feb. when he turned 50. So, maybe if he goes again in Feb. or March, I can then go with him and bring up the topic of the low libido.
If he's into porn like your H, then he's very good at hiding it and has got me completely fooled. God, that has to suck for you, Silver. I imagine it hurts terribly. (((())))
Maybe I should go to counseling. I don't know. I've been in therapy before and I know it did me a lot of good, but god, it took so long and cost so much (not only in money but in emotional energy.) I just want to have a normal life. I remember toward the end of my time in therapy, I began to resent it. I would think things like, "Other people get to go on vacations....because they don't have to spend all their money on therapy." Around that time, this song by the Offspring came out: "She's Got Issues." Google the lyrics sometime. You'll see why, frustrated and fed up with therapy, I thought that song was the funniest thing in the world.
Later today, after I'd calmed down some from being angry, I remembered one of the most important things I learned in all that therapy: I can't make him change. The only thing I can do is to take some steps for myself, change a few things in my own behavior, and hope it has a positive affect on his behavior.
So I went to the local B & N and got a copy of the g.d. SSM book and started reading it. I didn't want to. I had re-read Bagheera's post about the four stages of working on a SSM, and although it makes me angry to admit it, I'm guilty of trying to skip stages one and two and go directly to step three ("getting your mate to buy in" or words to that effect.) Step one is taking care of myself, so I'm going to try to do that.
One thing I'm wondering: I've heard that one tactic that gets results for a HD partner, is to turn down sex when the LD partner offers it. But I'm afraid to do that. I tend to go for it whenever he wants it (even if I'm not in the mood) because god only knows when I'm going to get it again...he controls the supply.
