Who is this person?

[Butterfly1]

DBD - some people on this board have recommended the book "Love Must Be Tough" and there are a series of articles by the same author that may help you in your sitch. The author is right in line with the DB principals - read all seven articles in this series (they are short)
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/love_must_be_tough.aspx

[Day by Day]

Thanks for the reminder and support Hope4Luv! I think I need to tattoo it on myself.

I hope and pray for strength to deal with his venting that might come out. Last time he didn't say much besides telling me to go to a lawyer to find out where I stand. And I hope I'll be able to discuss my needs and not give up. I've been much, much more calm. Don't know if I'm open, think I'm still too hurt and afraid to receive more. I've had enough dealt to me and I need more tolerance. I'm getting used to not hearing from him or having him around. I'm tired of the drama and I don't like who he is now.

Maybe I'm just tired. Spent the wknd w H's cousin's house and had a great time. They said I look great and happy. I didn't go for them to pass it along to H, although I'm sure they will. I wanted the kids to spend time with their family and they had a great time. Makes me feel good about that and H's cousins care a lot for us. They aren't letting the separation end our relationship.

Hope4Luv, thanks also for the Love is Tough link. I'll be looking for the book tomorrow @library.

[Day by Day]

Journaling:
Today's been tough. I'm worried about tomorrow. H and I see the C. I don't have much courage. He's showing his anger again. I try to console myself with anger is better than indifference. He's mad about this weekend, but I'm not a damn mindreader. He assumed I could read his mind that he wanted to swap weekends. I stuck to the schedule since I received no info from him.

I'm tired of being like a punching bag that keeps coming back for more. Everytime I avoid contact with him his anger rears its ugly head. If I initiate contact and keep it open, he calms down. I guess NC doesn't work in our situation, but I'm not seeing progress in our contact anyhow. I'm feeling more detached though because he's being so unlikeable and I feel so neglected.

I'm hoping I have courage and strength to deal with spewing and rejection and I can work on things to improve our communication.

[Butterfly1]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow - stay calm and focused.

I agree that spewing is better than indifference, however, I've been a punching bag for months and it really hurts. Maybe the C can help him stay sane and play fair with you.

also, DB suggests you do what works, avoid what doesn't. This is individual for each couple. If initiating contact and keeping it open helps him calm down. DO IT> IT'S A SIMPLE THING TO SAVE YOUR OWN SANITY!

[Day by Day]

Just what I needed to hear. I've been feeling so anxious but your words are lots of support. I've been having dreams about him. My dreams have been pleasant and with encouragement at least. Reality is another thing though. H is an angry, aggressive man that treats me like his enemy. I'm tired of it.

Unfortunately, I have nothing to initiate contact with today. I ignored his last email that asked what time I would be coming home. He was watching the kids last night. I didn't bother to answer because it was an opportunity for him to make sure I knew he was avoiding me. I stayed out until D let me know he left.

I don't see why we are even going to MC tonight. The C told me H needs to let things out. Oh, boy. In my dream I was told to not lose this opportunity to let him speak. <sigh of acceptance>

Gotta be brave and thicken my skin. Cross my fingers the C has control and has him stay sane.

Thanks Hope4Luv.

[Day by Day]

I'm supposed to be at the C's office. I'm not going.

I've been debating it all day whether to go. I'd rather deal with the consequences of not going rather than deal with being rejected and hurt anymore. H did not request to go to MC. This was my request and although he agreed, he is not of a reconciliatory attitude. I want to give up. I have no incentive to keep working on our M. No baby steps to have me feel I'm going in the right direction. He stopped replying to me after going to the C. So now I will go NC, but not because I want to cause a reaction. I want to do it for myself. I need to be without seeing or hearing him. I won't file for D though. He has to do all the work.

[Stronger]

So you pushed and asked for C, then you don't go?

[Day by Day]

Yep. What I really wanted and I didn't go after all.

After how he's been the past few days, I have given up. He's an angry aggressive man again and I am not strong today to be rejected and hurt anymore. I'm so emotionally tired.

Maybe it doesn't make sense to have asked for the counseling and then not go, but the way I'm feeling I don't think there would have been any progress anyhow. I'm really struggling. I was doing really well but I can't deal with any more pain. I admire those of you who can and do for a long time. But I've had years of feeling neglected already.

He just wants me to process that he wants to D me. I don't want to go to C with him for that. That's not doing me any favors. I'll deal with that through IC.

Maybe I threw away a chance, but the feedback from the C is that he wasn't there to reconcile. I don't have any regrets. I protected myself and probably prevented it from getting worse by avoiding him.

We'll see what happens. That I'm strong enough to deal with.

[Day by Day]

I know I said that he seems to get angry when I avoid contacting him and probably this will make him angrier. Maybe he needs that. And maybe this is a 180 for me. I won't be falling all over myself to sign up to be rejected at every turn.

Maybe this wasn't too smart to lose the opportunity for communication, but I simply am afraid of being hurt even more. Maybe I disrespected him by leaving him hanging. I'm retreating and going to live my own life. I feel like I'm respecting myself. He needs to see that because he surely doesn't respect me.

I'm glad I have an IC appt schedule for tomorrow to go over with my own C. I still feel ok about not going.

When is he going to let go of the damn anger?! That repels ME.

[RonD]

Just want to say that it took a divorce before I realized that I exhibited a lot of the disrespectful, dismissive behavior you describe in him. I'm going to counseling on my own hook and hope I can change and that she'll see it; I don't want to be the guy you describe anymore. I wish you luck whichever way it goes; if I had the chance to go to counseling with her right now I'd jump at it. He's got to be willing to make the changes for him first and if he isn't then MC would probably just be a place for hime to vent.

Good luck.