I went to Omaha and booked a night in a nice hotel, king sized bed, awesome mattress and down comforter. Heaven!!!
Dan texted asking where some of Nathan's meds were and then again telling me they were watching a movie and named the movie. I replied to tell him where the meds were but didn't reply to the other one.
I brought along a notebook, and got comfy in the bed. It had 6 or 7 pillows, awesome!
So then I wrote out all of my feelings about trying to be friends with Dan, which led me to the conclusion that I know how to be 'friends' with Dan. What I don't know how to do is to be 'JUST friends' with Dan. Of course it took me 15 pages of writing to get to that point...
I vented about the shitty things he has done to me, I told him that if he didn't want to be with me, then I didn't want him to be with me. But that it sucked for his reason to be that the 'spark' wasn't there and he couldn't find it. Because when you pour yourself into another woman, plus a job, plus cows, plus the kids, and don't give any of yourself to me, it is ridiculous to think the spark would still be there.
The grass is GREENER if you water it! If you don't, it dies...
So then I realized that if his 'spark' had faded b/c he wasn't pouring himself into me, then my spark was still strong b/c I was still giving him all of me. All except my body, which everybody here knows I would have given if he had asked.
So I have to give myself to other things besides Dan and my kids. And eventually, that means another man. Because I know we can hug our kids, but everyone knows that isn't the same as the touch of a lover, a true partner. I desire that romantic, intimate relationship. Right now, I don't have one, so I still look for, hope for, wish for that with Dan. But one day when I DO have that somewhere else, it will be easier for me to be 'just friends' with Dan. Because I won't be looking for him to be anything else...
BTW I did not share any of that with Dan, I wrote it all out for me, to get it out of my head.
Dan asked me after church if everything was ok, I told him it would be, I just had some 'snakes in my brain' (thanks for that one, Coach!) that I needed to work out. I headed out to run errands and when I got back, he and the kids were leaving our house. Dan rolled the window down to tell me where they were going. I just said have fun. Then he asked me if I was ever going to talk to him about the snakes, if I was going to share with him. At first I didn't know what he meant, then I made the connection.
I told him sometime we would have to talk about it but I didn't know when. And I drove on by.
