I guess I'm just a terrible person and I don't get it. It just breaks my heart.
What is this? Why are you a "terrible person" because you have feelings?? We all cam to this site heartbroken. Of course it hurts.
The illusion is that you have any control. You have to just go straight through it, no way around. Whether you D on paper or not, these things will challenge you.
Terrible person because I am so so angry and deeply sad and hurt and resentful at her for being with OM even though I left her first a year ago. Our marriage was so bad either of us could have walked away. Both of us were depressed and vulnerable. Either of us could have had an affair...but it was me. I never wanted things to end and I never pursued the D. In fact many of my things are still at our house. I feel like she could have at least divorced me if she was going to move forward with another relationship. Now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to DB which means not Divorce. But I just can't stand by and smile while she has another relationship and I pretend that there's hope. If I were a better person maybe I would be able to do it because this is all my fault.
You can be hurt and resentful if that is how you feel. You think anyone can talk you out of those feelings? She could have left for OM but she didn't. Complaining that she "could have at least divorced" you is twisted. She didn't want a divorce, you did (or at least made it appear you did). So she should have initiated the thing that is the hardest thing to go through next to death of a loved one? As hard as it is for you IS as hard as it was for her (only she had to feel that it was done "to her" on top of it). My H still has many things at our house...convenient for him to be sure and a nice way for him to have "moved on" while still leaving constant reminders of us and unfinished business around.
Sometimes DBing IS divorce. Your feelings are valid even if your logic is a little twisted and you vacillate between it being all your fault and blaming her...just try to stop. You both have culpability but you're not gonna make her out to be the worse one just make yourself feel better, are you?
She wants a divorce, give it to her. Love is not sitting around and waiting for someone to want you. Love is being sane and considerate and honest...
More later.
What can you do other than stand by and smile? You want to get angry? You want to get back at her? You want an opportunity to tell her what you think of her? Take it to IC because that venom is what makes divorces get really ugly really fast...we feel like we should not have to sit by and get screwed as if some more money and vetting in court will appease that feeling...no, just makes you hate each other and waste a ton of dough.
