Sorry you're back, under the circumstances. But I wanted to chime in, because I know exactly how you feel. I identify with a great deal of what you just wrote, so I re-read some of your last posts for background.
One of the points that resonated with me was the line that he was still attracted to you and desired you....I heard that all the time from my H, too. It's very hard to understand why, if that is the case, that there is no outward evidence to testify to it. Just words, baby, words.
My entire marriage of 20 years has been this type of struggle. Unfortunately for me, I accepted the state of things as being a lack of love and attraction on his part for most of it, never seeking answers to the "why". Nowadays, there are so-o-o many resources, I only wish I had known about or had access to years ago. If I had only known it really wasn't about me.....so sad. But....all water under the bridge now.
The harsh reality is this: how big of a fight are you prepared for? Your H is in denial....about your state of mind and about the health of your marriage.
When I decided not to settle any more--enough was enough--I did exactly as you are doing. I brought the topic up frequently. I expressed myself clearly, that I was dissatisfied with sex once or twice a month, but the net result of those conversations was exactly NOTHING. It wasn't until he knew I was seeking marriage counseling and I gave him an ultimatum about it maybe being over for me, that he sat up and paid attention.
For most of those years of our marriage--he was 40 when we wed--his libido had been terminally ill and he didn't even know it. Men often don't notice a gradual decline in their libido and when my H realized it was gone, he accepted it as "the way things were" and began covert cover-up techniques. When confronted, he blamed his recent medical treatments...like your H, surgery to the groin, and in his case radiation... for the demise of his erectile and testicular functioning. But I knew in my heart it was more than that. The problem with sex in our marriage predated all of the medical junk.
Although a man's libido and the "auto-erection" diminish with age, my H was unknowingly sabotaging himself and our sex life. He was a lifelong smoker, with no outward health problems from it......except for the hit to his libido. Smoking is a big no-no. Secondly, several years into our marriage, I learned he was a porn user. He is still ashamed of that fact and will never cop to any more revelation of the depth of the problem than what I discovered myself. But the harm it did to me emotionally to know he was using it, coupled with the marginalization and objectification of me which inevitably occurred with his porn use--Ugh!! It definitely made an impact on his desire for "real" sex with a live woman who needed some of his quality time, attention, and--God forbid--foreplay. Third, and not the least damaging....he got fat. His weight started to climb the minute we got married...too much wedding cake, I guess...and so it continues, mostly unabated. He acknowledges the problem, is disgusted with the shape of his body, but refuses to alter his horrible diet or to exercise. Well, DUH!!!
In your case, some or maybe none of this may be helpful. If he is age 50, he needs to have a full medical check-up, including a testosterone panel. Go with him if he will agree, and bring up to the doctor yourself that his libido is suffering (because it's likely that he won't or at best, will make light of it). My H is on testosterone replacement gel--he rubs in on his shoulders before dressing in the morning--and it has made a world of difference for him, libido-wise. He still has erectile problems, but at least he WANTS to get it up now, if you know what I mean!!
Margali, your H is in a comfort-zone and rocking the boat will mean change for him. He will avoid it if possible...it's human nature. You must nurture your marriage relationship, enjoy each other's company and take care of each other sexually. The longer you accept the current state of things, the longer you will go frustrated and the more deeply entrenched the sexual problems will become between you. This breeds a host of other marital problems as well....resentment, hurt, anger, stonewalling....you are seeing this already. You will grow apart. Don't let it carry you to the brink of divorce, because I almost did. Don't settle, girl.
