I am sullen today. I haven't cried much, but I have prayed a lot.
One minute I think I can do this, I can move on, I can start over. The mystery of it is sort of intriquing...then I think about my wife. I think about our kids. I think about all of the love I have and how I will feel when we both move on. I know time heals, but I just can't imagine feeling this way for anyone else ever again. 15 years, since HS, we have been best friends. Now we are facing divorce.
I was so confussed last night when she told me "I thought you'd take a little more time to come to grips with this, but you seem to be getting over it quickly", she was upset/angry when she said it.
I told her I wasn't over it, but this was the approach I chose to take. She was/is my best friend and if I lose a wife, I don't want to lose a friend. She said she was done talking.
I remained calm, told her to have a safe ride home, but only got part way through when she said "don't say it". Then she said good bye and hung up.
I never said I love you. I never told her I wanted her to change her mind. I think I said the right things...somehow I felt hopeful after ward.
She said she didn't change her direct deposit for this next paycheck. She said she thought we agreed to wait until after mediation. We didn't; it was clear the last time we talked that she would be doing it.
I don't know when to know if what I am doing is right.
I don't know when to give up (I know it isn't yet, but when?).
I love my wife. A few people have asked me if I love my wife or I love the idea of loving my wife. I love my wife. I miss her when I cook, I miss her when I wake-up and go to bed. I miss her when I do laundry. I even miss her emailed or calls during the day.
I love my wife. I can't give up; but I also don't know if what I am doing is right.
Please pray that I, and everyone on here, does the right thing. If marriage is supposed to be forever, we need to accept our faults and transgressions, somehow learn to forgive ourselves and fix our marriages.
Know I am praying for all of you on here too. I know we all won't be sucessful in winning our spouses back; but if it helps even one of us, I am glad to do it.
