Really wanting HELP!

[Distracted1978]

I posted on here months ago & was really confused about where I was in life & what I really wanted.... I don't want to say that I had a revalation, but I guess that's what it was...

I was the WAW, I cheated, I lied, I done a lot of things to make my H feel as though he'd done so much wrong. IT WAS ME! We've been separated since March (living separately). I just recently "came to life" so to speak.

I don't know where to start or what to do. A lot of time has passed & even more things have happened.....

I wrote this to him & I'm desperately seeking advice:

As I sit here & look at this dozen of pink roses on my desk – that you didn’t send me – all I can see is your writing on the card, all I can see is your face in each one, all I can hear is your voice asking if I liked them & if I’m happy…….but those memories are beginning to fade. Fade just like the love we once had for each other. Fade just like these roses soon will, dying one by one.

My heart is overwhelmed with pain and regret and my soul is and will be forever damaged by our failure. Failure to keep all the promises we made, failure to remember we were important. But, most of all, the failure and neglect of a beautiful love; one that was meant to and could have lasted forever.

Our son will never know the love his mother and father. The two perfect people they were together. He will never see how wonderful we were before it all fell apart. He will never know how happy we were, not even in pictures because it hurts too much to see.

My daughters will never remember the love of the man who wanted to be their father because I was too afraid to let my guard down. And your son, who will never know what he truly meant to me because you were filled with too much regret from the past. Not what they seen because of our jealousy of each other, the truth in our hearts that they deserved to know and feel.

The attorney asked me yesterday why we were seeking a divorce and I honestly couldn’t come up with an answer. Was it because I didn’t love you? Was it because you didn’t love me? Was it the kids? Was it the house, cars, or other financial obligations? Did we not get along? Was it physical abuse? Was it drug or alcohol abuse? Was it adultery? I thought about answering –yes– to that, but was that the truth in my heart? The answer was no. Not for me, it was none of these things.

After all of this, where did I fall? After feeling so unloved, unimportant, and just out of touch with my husband, how do I see it now? I find myself feeling like I’d like to run. Run as fast as I can into your arms. Run so fast that no one could catch me and make me feel one moment of doubt. Because when it’s quiet, I know the truth. When it’s quiet I can hear my heart. When it quiet, it’s no one but me.

So how do you move on from that? How do you live everyday? Just cover it up with more of something or someone else? That only works when life is moving, but when you lay down at night or have your drive to work alone, it’s quiet again…….

Two days have passed now and I’m still feeling what I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks. Has this set in to stay? The obvious decided to smack me in the face so now what am I supposed to do with it? Sit here and wish and regret or take action? Action......what action? I’ve thought of taking the kids to Mackey’s and flying to where you are, but what good would that do? I wonder if you’re feeling the same things I am? Would you ever even think in the smallest, darkest place in your hear to take me back? The woman I was…she was the most terrible there could have ever been. She wasn’t the real me. The real me had gotten lost somewhere in time, the real me is here again and wondering what happened that one day that changed everything about ME.

I think about who I’d become and wondered why, but there is no point in wondering now, only finding a way to change my ending, our ending. Because I know with every ounce of me that this is not it. We were meant to be together. I know you know it too. But how do I regain your trust and your love? I know you so well, but these are things I’ve never had to be curious about. These are issues I’ve created with my jealousy.

Everywhere I look you are there. In everything I do, you are present in my mind, my heart, my soul. How did I lose you for so long? I walk through this house and remember; remember anything I can so I will stop trying to forget. I looked for our wedding video again. Why can’t I find it?! I need it! I need to hold on to what I’d forgotten.

I know what you were talking about now, about the “all in” of love and life. Is it too late to know now? Does it even matter to you anymore? I don’t want to me like your mom and Gary. I would rather spend 20 years of my life making it up to you and you to me, rather than 20 years of being without you.

Why did it take so long? What do I do now? No amount of therapy could cure this, I’m sure of it. My heart keeps finding its way back to you.

I found two things in the bible that I can’t seem to let go of when thinking of us.
Proverbs 17:9
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

Oh so true, don’t you think? It’s funny to me that every time I need someone I think of you. Not mom or dad or Sam, of you. You are my one and only true connection; you are the other part of me. And I can’t let that go.

And this………..
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


So I must still have faith and hope that our love is stronger than all this. There is no doubt in my mind that if I feel it then you do too.

[Phoenixdeux]

Not sure how to answer you. You aren't the first WAW who cheated and then wanted to come back when the left behind spouse finally found his/her feet and didn't want their spouse anymore.

Have you told him you are sorry and that you would like another chance? What would be different if you had this chance? Have you had individual counseling? Worked out what gave you wanderlust? Does he have someone else?

I'd suggest you start with actually asking him if he'd consider trying again with you. If you've done that and he adamantly refused, then you need to work on yourself, to make an attractive alternative to a life without you.

[Buttercup37]

So sorry for your situation. As you are the WAW, it might be very helpful to read Light His Fire. You need to begin to show him appreciation, respect, and admiration to show you are sincere. There are other useful books but this one just really seems to hit most of the important points in one small book. There no guarantees but I feel my separation is FAR better off right now due to me learning and applying the lessons in that book (at least the ones you can apply while being separated.)

This forum will also provide you a lot of good information. Welcome back and good luck!

[tristan]

Hi Distracted:

That was a beautifull letter. I am a LBS and can only hope that my W someday thinks like you. Your honesty gives me hope and reason to be patient. Best of luck, I really hope you are able to turn things around. Have you not received any response to that letter?

[spark]

I have to ask you. You mentioned physical abuse and drug abuse in your letter. Please elaborate. I think those are MAJOR issues and I realize you miss your h, but if the above issues were there, even in a small way,those things MUST be addressed before you can even consider getting back together.

I was in an abusive relationship. He didn't hit me daily,really like "only" once a year, but that "feeling" like it could happen any tme was always there. PLEASE get help for YOURSELF if that is the case.

As far as drug or alcohol problems -- is it him or you? If it's him, I HIGHLY suggest al-anon. I don't want to be negative here,but your letter, as lovely as it is, says more to me than you just want him back. It seems like you are willing to bury real issues just for the safety or the seemingly safe feeling of being backwith him. Those issues I mentioned will only surface again anbd again unless addressed.

[tristan]

I have to ask you. You mentioned physical abuse and drug abuse in your letter. Please elaborate. I think those are MAJOR issues and I realize you miss your h, but if the above issues were there, even in a small way,those things MUST be addressed before you can even consider getting back together.

I was in an abusive relationship. He didn't hit me daily,really like "only" once a year, but that "feeling" like it could happen any tme was always there. PLEASE get help for YOURSELF if that is the case.

As far as drug or alcohol problems -- is it him or you? If it's him, I HIGHLY suggest al-anon. I don't want to be negative here,but your letter, as lovely as it is, says more to me than you just want him back. It seems like you are willing to bury real issues just for the safety or the seemingly safe feeling of being backwith him. Those issues I mentioned will only surface again anbd again unless addressed.

I read that differently. I took it that the only question that could possibly be answered yes was adultry. If there was abuse, then I am with spark.

[Ready2Change]

Keep working on you. Forgiveness, Patience, Kindness, Empathy, Understanding....

HUGS

[Distracted1978]

He said no, where do I go from here??? heart broken

[Ready2Change]

Hey sweetie,

Please give us a few more details.

[Distracted1978]

We talked, a lot over the last week. He says that he has already made a decision for himself. He has never stated that he doesn't want to be with me he just says that he had to decide.....