Married 17 years, 3 kids. Husband retired from the Army last year and became a firefighter. I’m 38, he’s 40.
He said in August that he wanted to go to counseling. He went once, I went with him the next time. When we were asked how strongly we felt about saving the marriage (1-10), he said 3 and I said 10. We have come close before and I read Divorce Busting in 2000. I remembered some of MWD’s points of view and tried using some of them. For one, I stopped being afraid of what would happen if I touched him. I started kissing him before I left the house, rubbing his back at night…
Saturday night he got mad about me calling a coworker by his last name ("He’s a teacher, he deserves the respect of his position. You don’t just call a teacher by his last name. That is so rude!") and out came the We-Are-so-different comment. It was that night that he said he wanted to end things completely.
He immediately assumed that he would leave and get an apartment someplace, come to the house and babysit the kids when I needed him to. I said no… I would leave and let him run the household and I will take care of the kids when he needs me to.
I did this for a couple of reasons… I see the scenario all the time in which the guy leaves, lives the life of a bachelor, gets the kids once in a while on the weekends, and they think he’s the best thing since popcorn while she is the main disciplinarian and deals with all of the day to day problems. I don’t know how long he would even keep seeing his kids. But I know I would! I felt like leaving them with him makes sure they still have both parents.
I got an apartment near work but can’t move in just yet. So he’s letting me stay in the house until the apartment is ready, but he leaves each night to stay with a divorced buddy of his. As of yet, he refuses to be in the house when I am here.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore either. He yells at me a lot if I disagree with him on something. He threatened to divorce me if I voted for a particular party. I’ve always tried to become involved in his interests, but I feel like that’s all our marriage was about – HIS interests. If it was something to do with MY work, or my friends, he was distant and looked like he was sulking the whole time.
But I don’t believe in divorce. I want a good relationship. The night he said he wanted to end it, I took his hand and said that I realize we haven’t been very close – that I don’t want to just be married, I want a meaningful marriage. I said I want a loving relationship with him again and that we can have one. We just have to cultivate it. He mocked me, “You can call it <finger quotes> cultivating all you want. I call it work and it’s too much work for me.” I told him I really thought we could have a close relationship again and he said, “But I don’t want it with you.”
There are more factors. For one, his two best friends are recently-divorced girls age 24. He insists this doesn’t have anything to do with his change in feelings toward me, but he goes out with them while I’m at work and he has fun – the movies, riding a boat on the river, etc… I’m not accusing him of doing anything with them, just saying that it has an impact on our marriage and his feelings toward ME.
I move into my apartment on Oct 1st. Advice? What should my next step be if we have any chance of keeping it together? I know that pleading, pushing, and crying would only push him away. Refusing to leave at this point would only make him mad. Is there anything I can do to stop this path we're on before it's too late?
I move into my apartment on Oct 1st. Advice? What should my next step be if we have any chance of keeping it together? I know that pleading, pushing, and crying would only push him away. Refusing to leave at this point would only make him mad. Is there anything I can do to stop this path we're on before it's too late?
Moving out so he can be be a single dad is an interesting move. Be careful of setting precedence. I stayed in the house until we had a parenting plan in place.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hi jo, wanted to offer my support. His 2 best friends are 24? and female? and divorced. Not that it can't happen. Im young too , and while I have a few friends in your age group, i dont "hang" out with them. Going to clubs and acting like idiots some nights usually isnt what they want to do. Im no expert by ANY means, but could he be in MLC?
You're in the right place. lots of ppl here to offer support and advice. GALing is important, and not pursuing. Try to stay upbeat and act like it doesnt bother you, even if youre dying inside. Easier said than done I know.
I told him I don't want to physically leave the house until the separation papers are filed. (Is this really the way to do it? Aren't we just getting farther apart as we separate?) He said he understands that I don't trust him - I'm afraid that if things get nasty he could file abandonment and take full custody even though he knows that's not what we agreed to.
And I fell into my old patterns. What started as us talking about what we needed to discuss turned into me trying again to make him feel guilty for what he's doing. At which point all discussions end and he walks out.
he's hanging out with 24 year old girls? he just turned 40?? this is obviously, obviously an MLC. particularly coupled with the "i dont wanna do any work" attitude. You cant change him. you can only protect yourself and your children, and hope he comes back to reality. But if not.. you need to protect yourself.
best thing you can do, is move BACK in the house.
Quote:
Why can't I change?
There is no change you can make, that can turn yourself into a no-strings-attached 24-year-old eye-candy-bunny. So dont try.
You said you were afraid of him doing the bachelor life... How does you just giving him the house to live in, avoid that happening?
About the only thing you can do, is stop trying to talk him out of it.. in particular to not try ANY kind of guilt on him. Trying to guilt an MLCer, is pure diaster.
I suggest you make yourself comfy in the MLC forum, and get some comfy clothes and a comfy seat to sit in. It's gonna be a long trip, i'm afraid :-(
...And I fell into my old patterns.... Why can't I change?
Making personal changes to our thoughts, actions, words and reactions take practice. We do the best we can and continue our commitment for personal growth. Tools such as Forgiveness, Patience, Understanding, Empathy, Boundaries help us change.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm interested in the decision to let him have the kids and the house. I made the same decision -- for different reasons -- and when I do have the girls I keep going out of my mind wondering what my W is doing.
My W wanted the house and she's regretting that, I think. It's very big and hard to maintain. I'm afraid it's so much work that she really doesn't have any time to consider if she's missing me.
The 24-year-olds? That's interesting as well. In my case, almost all of my friends my age are married so there's not much chance for social interaction there. The friends from work who aren't are in their late 20s. So when I'm not working my second job -- to keep the money troubles from driving me crazy -- I'm going out with them and their girlfriends and their girlfriends' friends, who are in their 20s.
It's a strange thing to do. Fun in a way, but I keep thinking I should be home putting my daughters to bed.
Eventually, the fun of hanging out with younger people is going to fade. He'll figure out he's not from their generation and there won't be much to talk about. The older man stuff you see in the movies just doesn't happen that often.
Still, it's going to take a lot of time.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I just don't know what my next step should be. Am I doing the right thing by moving out? I do see ways in which I neglected our relationship. I know I can do better if given another chance. But I'm afraid that trying to ask him for another chance would just ruin my chances.
I don't think I should leave. Can I just tell him I've changed my mind about moving out? Leave it up to him to move out if he wants to? it wouldn't change anything really - he's just been sleeping elsewhere each night that he's off work. Will it drive him away if I try to tell him I'm not just agreeing to the separation?
I called him tonight. I said I was sorry. I said I know that he asked me for attention and I didn't give it to him. He said he appreciated me saying that. And it was a little different. He talked for a bit - about the kids and about the separation - but for the first time, he didn't seem in a rush to get off the phone.
So I feel like my next move is really important. I don't want to mess it up worse.
I don't think I should leave. Can I just tell him I've changed my mind about moving out? Leave it up to him to move out if he wants to? it wouldn't change anything really - he's just been sleeping elsewhere each night that he's off work. Will it drive him away if I try to tell him I'm not just agreeing to the separation?
I called him tonight. I said I was sorry. I said I know that he asked me for attention and I didn't give it to him. He said he appreciated me saying that. And it was a little different. He talked for a bit - about the kids and about the separation - but for the first time, he didn't seem in a rush to get off the phone.
So I feel like my next move is really important. I don't want to mess it up worse.
If you don't think you should leave then stay.
Don't let anyone control your life, allow others to control & what they want to do in their own lives but don't let anyone control your life. If you stay and he leaves are you able to pay the the rent/mortgage on your own? Don't expect anyone to do something you're not willing to do yourself. If you can swing the bills & the rent, then by all means, stay if you want to stay.
Yes you can tell him you've changed your mind about moving out. And you don't have to be afraid to do so either.
Leave it up to him if he wants to move out - remember do what you want to do and control your own life, let him leave if he wants to leave, allow him to control his life, you couldn't control him even if you wanted to.
You don't have to agree with the separation, if he wants to serve you with separation papers, you can't control that regardless if you agree with it or not. Let him do what he must do.
Be a friend to him, let go of your need to keep him.
In the end what most if not all of these issues boil down to is unrealistic expectations. He expects you to be a certain way, you expect him to be a certain way, release the expectations, attached to those expectations are tons of pressure that people don't want to bear the weight of. It's not that you can't ask for things but you should make it clear as to what you want and don't rush getting what you want and vice versa.
Give him attention, make him feel loved, accept that this is a difficult decision for him as well as you. Don't expect anything in return, in fact let go of your expectations and this may be the hardest thing for any of us to do. Learn to be happy & take care of yourself and allow him to learn how to do the same thing and don't force the pace at which any of this happens: slow is fast and fast is slow.
