Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[BigJohn]

Detaching is the key GIMA, I know. I don't know how to fully detach yet, maybe seperation will do it.

IWITW,

Detachment takes a while to achieve so don't get frustrated by the pace. You will get there, it just takes time. Physical S may very well help the detachment process. You have taken accountability for the mistakes made in your 50% of the MR. You are willing to work to make the needed changes, your W is not interested and wants to move on instead. One key to detachment is to realize that this is her problem, not yours, and I believe that her attitude- as with my W's in my sitch- will eventually come back to bite her.

I went against the rules, and talked to W about where she is at, not to make her feel guilty, or temperature take, but to try and assess what I need to do next.

Stop talking to her about the MR. Keep communication with her to a minimum and be polite and kind when you do. Don't react to what she is doing in determining what is best for you. Now more than ever you need to be PROACTIVE not REACTIVE in your sitch. Figure out what the best outcome is going to be for you and your D8 and work towards it.

So many things she says are mirrored still by others.
She's the bad person for leaving, she is better off alone, she is happier just being by herself and confident in her decision.

These are all secondary issues that you don't have the luxury to spend time on right now. Push them out of your mind for the time being.

I need help from you guys on the Tough Love approach, I have mediation tomorrow, and I have been thinking about it, and don't know where to hold my line. Where do I budge, and where do I hold firm?

My first question to you is what are your priorities? Determine what your priorities are first, then rank them in order of importance. Next, determine what your W's priorities are and do the same. From there, you will have a better idea on areas where you will want to stand firm on and other areas where you are willing to negotiate.

If Mass. is similar to Calif. then the first mediation meeting will probably focus primarily on child custody- both joint legal and physical. Something that you need to burn into your brain right now- if it isn't already- is that your focus must be on your D8 not what you or what your W wants. Joint legal custody- usually (50/50)- should not be an issue. Joint physical custody is not automatically 50/50 and in your case might be for example 30% (you)/70% (your W). You are going to have to make the call as to how much time realistically and otherwise you can spend with your D8. For me, I was determined to seek 50/50 joint physical custody of my kids and that was one area where I "held the line". Again, your call. Whatever you decide, you need to have a basic "parenting plan" in place which includes a proposed weekly schedule for "sharing" D8 with your W.

Example, the other day she said because her work doesn't provide health insurance, she wants in the D agreement that I keep her on my health insurance. My thoughts are, she wants the benefits of being married to me, without being married to me. I want to hold the line and say no, if you want a D, then get your own health insurance, maybe at most a small time or year on mine, then get your own.

My issues is, I don't know if that sounds fair or is me just being spiteful?

Of course she wants her cake and eat it too! First, I'd agree to keep D8 on your health insurance. Regarding your W, I'd concur with your thoughts and consider offering to carry her on your health insurance for a short period i.e. a year as a way to help your W get on her feet financially as she transitions to life as a single woman again. The health insurance coverage should be a negotiating point, not an automatic "freebie".

As long as you keep the welfare of your D8 your #1 concern- as it should be- AND maintain a sense of fairness and reasonableness in dealing with your W you should do fine.

Please list out anything if you have been through this before, I don't want to get taken advantage of by feeling I need to support her for my d8's sake.

As you know, I'm still working my way through the process myself. I think that you need to separate the needs of your D8 from the needs of your W. Try thinking of your sitch in terms of you as a single father rather than as an absentee father of your D8 living with her mother.

Mortgage? If I move out, I want her to pay the mortgage and bills until the house is sold. Child support? Nothing I can do here, that I know of. Alimony? I absolutely don't want to pay any.

Your specific obligations in regards to all of the above will largely be determined upon the respective individual incomes of you and your W along with the amount of joint physical custody you and your W will have with regards to D8. Sounds like you may have a lot of due diligence still to do between now and tomorrow to determine your potential financial exposure.

I hope this help IWITW. I'll try to check in later. Take care and good luck tomorrow!