Gotta Keep Trying 2

[goodattitudegirl]

GIMA,

These are all positives. Keep going. We're waiting for a full report of today's events.

Dusting is DEFINITELY something a woman would notice, especially if a man hasn't done this routinely. This would make me stand up and take notice, although I might wonder what the #%$& was going on??????? It could raise suspicion, so be cautious not to overplay this card.....but it definitely would make most women stand up and take notice.

While on this topic I feel the need to address an issue that can have a MAJOR impact on women. GIMA and all you lurkers out there pay attention now. It would be interesting if other women out there chimed in too. What I am about to suggest is important to a lot of women, but the way a given woman feels about this I think really depends on how many men were in her family of origin.

It has ALWAYS been a major turn-off to me and many of my female friends if a man leaves the toilet seat up. I may take a lot of heat for this,.....but men, the toilet seat was most likely down when you walked into the bathroom, ......YOU put it up......so why won't you take a moment and put it DOWN again before you leave????? Pure and simple. This is a very small act that shows that you are being considerate of the women in the household and can speak VOLUMES. For right or wrong, whenever I see that a man left a toilet seat up my gut response (not a rationale response, I know) is that the man who left it up lacks consideration.

.............I know that this is not entirely rational, but it IS one of those things that can get you A LOT of mileage men. Even better, if you have not done this in the past, this change will certainly get attention from the woman in your life.

GIMA, I really appreciate your masculine feedback on my sitch too. The male brain has always been a mystery to me......but at the same time I am very appreciative of it. I never realized until this past year after the bomb how much time men spend trying to please the women in their lives. Wish I had known that before and shown my appreciation to H in ways that he could hear.

GAG

[goodattitudegirl]

To GIMA and the other men out there, it occurs to me after seeing Mishka's reply that these household tasks are a pretty simple but easy way to score points with the woman in your life. Would you men out there please be willing to share with us women what YOUR equivalent to these small, but thoughtful gestures is (share here or on my thread (www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads...rue#Post1849795)). What small, simple gestures speak volumes to you that a woman cares?????

We women really DO want to know!!!!!!

Thanks!

GAG

[mishka422]

Absolutely GAG! I would love to know what some of those things are as my xh would never communicate to me what his expectations were of me other than sex at every possible moment of down time regardless of how exhausted I was. I would imagine there have to be other priorities to men.

[givingitmyall]

Update from today so far. All seems good. Sorry it's long, but want to put it down on a post.

D5's birthday party went well. My stpmom pulled me off to the side to tell me she was "surprised" W had invited her to the party. I told her she should not worry that anything stpmom did would or would not impact my M. Told her just be yourself. Everything will work out one way or the other. She seemed relieved.

SIL and stpmom were themselves during the party and spoke with W like they normally would have.

I helped with the party. Before the party, D and I had a ball filling up balloons with a helium tank. Did this on the back deck just outside the kitchen where W was - window was open so W could hear everything. During the party, I made sure the kids had lemonade and water, brought the cake out, etc. W asked me to do several things - called me by my first name, which still bugs me (before the bomb we called each other by babe/honey/sweetie). I had a chance while talking to stpmom while W was clearly within earshot, to brag on W's recent cake baking and decorating. Not too much, just enough.

Towards the end of the party, had to run S9 to his baseball game, then back to the house to pick up W and D for the game. By the time I got back, all the guests had gone. We hopped in the car and began pulling out of the garage.

W brought up that the party went well AND that SIL and stpmom acted nice - Greek, you were right, W WAS nervous about being around SIL and stpmom. Important thing is W, not me, initiated this discussion. I responded that I thought W had done a great job with the party and the cake and everything. W thanked me and said, "well, you did a lot too." I told her I was happy that SIL and stpmom were nice but that I was not surprised. HERE's THE INTERESTING PART: W says she was not surprised either (right) and that in her "mind, everything is fine."

Now, the interesting part is what she was referring to. I don't think my description can capture this, but it was not clear from W's response whether what she was talking about being "fine" was her R with SIL and stpmom or our M - I have to believe she was talking about her R with SIL and stpmom.

Anyway, we just had more discussion about the party on the way to S's baseball game. At the game, we sat next to each other, and at one point in the game, when S made a great play, W grabbed my right arm with both her hands. While she didn;t leave them there a while, she didn't take them away quickly either. We spoke a lot at the game and had more joking conversation than normal. Continued to talk about how great the party was. Good bit of eye contact too. At one point, it appeared W was cold, so I gave her the pull over I brought in case it rained. She kept it in her lap but did not put it on.

After the game, went to one of our favorite mexican restaurants for fish tacos, which this place does very well. Again, more conversation that was more of a good mood type conversation, not just light, happy type discussion. More joking.

So, while I have posted a lot about our positive, light hearted conversations, today seemed, well, different. Different in a good way. Felt more like a H and W talking happily, not just two friends talking happily. W is going to be baking a chocolate cake for one of the other people at the party today to whom I bragged about her cake skills. I will, of course, hang out in the den (great room really that also contains our kitchen) while she does this.

I think this weekend was a big step for us. A big step for me for sure. Small discussion that touched upon but did not directly deal with the R provided some useful information. She may not be ready to push full force back to our M. But she does not seem to be moving towards D either. Has been over 5 months of the new me. I can keep this up, especially given how high the stakes are.

And another thing I learned today. My love for my W has NOT gone away. It WAS just hibernating. The hint of working on the M from this weekend was enough to help me realize that - more importantly, to feel the emotions and connection I still have to my W. I do love her.

[mishka422]

Wonderful GIMA! Reconnecting to those love feelings is so important to be able to make an honest effort and reconciling. I hope to God that she opens up to you soon and tells you her thoughts and feelings.

[shellshockedga]

GIMA, this is good news. I am so excited to hear that things are moving in the right direction. Too often I take your time up with my issues and we don't get a chance to talk about where you all are. I think the most important part of this is that your feelings are still there. That helps me to think that at some point, my W may come back and those feelings may resurface for me too. Perhaps, them hibernating is just a way for us to protect ourselves from the pain of what we may have been or are going through.

[givingitmyall]

Wonderful GIMA! Reconnecting to those love feelings is so important to be able to make an honest effort and reconciling. I hope to God that she opens up to you soon and tells you her thoughts and feelings.

So do I Mishka. There's a plan.

[givingitmyall]

GIMA, this is good news. I am so excited to hear that things are moving in the right direction. Too often I take your time up with my issues and we don't get a chance to talk about where you all are. I think the most important part of this is that your feelings are still there. That helps me to think that at some point, my W may come back and those feelings may resurface for me too. Perhaps, them hibernating is just a way for us to protect ourselves from the pain of what we may have been or are going through.

DON'T EVER worry you are taking my time. I would be a hypocrite to come here as a newbie, take everyone's advice and not give back what little I can. And if I can do that for a friend I have known before all this stuff, that's even better.

Whether you realize it or not, you have already made great progress. Keep going, there's still a lot of work to do, but you are on the right path.

[Dia]

I'm so happy for you, GIMA.

Keep it going!

[givingitmyall]

Thanks guys. Still have a lot of work to do.

We have a trip to Disney with the kids this upcoming weekend. We are all looking forward to it.

And something else that's looming out there later this month - our ANNIVERSARY on the 26th. Can't say back in April I would have thought we would still be under the same roof for our anniversary. I don't want to over do it, and I don't think I will (my C said he thought my tendency would be to under-do it). Another chance to shine, but I will need some input b/w now and then on teh best way to handle it.