Well, H told the kids tonight. Didn't phase them at all. S4 said, I'll miss you Daddy. Then he told them all about his new house, there are bike paths and place for kickball, S7 was quite excited, Yeah, we get to go to Dad's house. Then H told them about the DC weekend and that they would go to Disney some time, just the three of them, S7 said, Yeah, no Mommy, just the 3 of us. His next comment was, "Good, more time with Dad." The kids are excited, they can't wait to see his new house and be rid of me. What's the point? Part of my main focus in all this was to do what was best for the kids, which seems to be being with thier father.
I don't know where to go from here. I had to leave the house, it was breaking my heart to see them so exuberant about Dad having a new home. I know they are kids, but it seems like a double whammy, I move all over the stupid country for H's careeer, thinking we were a partnership and I become a stay-at-home mom believing it is best for the kids, and they both don't give a sh!t.
I know, the separation could possibly do us good, but at this point, I just don't care. I don't want to go home, I don't want to go to friends (they are all married, don't want to barge in and be an emotional wreck, where can one go to completely lose it?)
I have a conference with S7 teacher in the morning, or I think I would take to the open road and not look back.
I know the feeling so well... The nobody would miss me if I were not here thing. Of course it is not true, but it is a very real feeling while it lasts. The good news is, of course, it does not.
You are, very understandably, being a bit harsh on your kids. They ARE kids, they are supposed to be self-oriented and centered on the present: what is important to them is that they are sure of having both of your love. So sure that they do not feel threatened by not having Dad at home. You are analyzing their behavior based on adult norms, not children's. So do not 'blame' them for not appreciating your sacrifice and your care: they will not until they are parents themselves. For them, you exist in this world with the sole purpose of being their Mom. And that is what Moms do. End of story. At their age they do not see the implications of the situation. Or how you feel about it.
And I have good news for you, my dear. When you reach the point in which you do not give a da** about it anymore you've hit bottom. From now on, things can only get better, even if it is in unexpected ways. And the suffering will lose its edge. I promise. Somehow the pain blunts.
I wish I could fast forward you 5 months. Even two weeks. And show you the difference. But I cannot. And I had not discovered DR and the board then, so I did not post. You'll have to take it on faith.
Hold on Jackie. You'll survive.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I am sending you strength but you are so strong anyway that you will be fine. You are just running on empty right now. Stress and nerves.
Actually it is good that the kids aren't going to be all torn up as that would be more difficult I would think in the end for you to deal with everyday.
But I understand in your present condition that has to really hurt.
You are feeling unappreciated on all sides right now!!!
Would just going for a drive help you any? We have beautiful weather here right now and it would be a gorgeous night for a drive.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hang in there, this has to be very painful but I think in a couple of years you will see that your childern will have been very greatful that you were around when they were growing up. So keep that chin up things will get better.
You know that you are needed - don't you? You know how much your kids love you and depend on you for your love and what remains of stability in their lives rightn now?
Your H is too lost to appreciate much of anything right now. As for the kids - you did and said what you had to for their emotional welfare. As they get older, your kids will realize what you have done, are doing and will do for them in the future!
You are a phenominal woman - I know I met you. And from your posts I know that you are wonderful mother - and most importantly a stable parent.
Hang in there Jackie. I know it is tough maintaining your PMA in the face of your H's antics. I know that this might be tough - but remember this is about him and not a reflection on you as a human being, a W or a mother!
This is a tough time, Jackie. I can't read all the posts here right now, but just skimming a few sounds like a rough several days. You are right in thinking that the boys are kids who are excited about something new. One thing that has occurred to me when my children have said things like this is that what they are saying is that they love their dad, they need him and want to have his love and time. What it sounds like sometimes is that they don't want/love me, but that's not what they are saying. This doesn't completely take the sting out of it, but it helps a little bit. All the same, the comments still hurt, even though they don't intend it that way. Lee is right that the boys will appreciate what you have done/are doing in a few years. You are doing a tremendous job taking care of the boys - I know it's tough to be the one who is saying it's time for bed, time for school, no, you can't eat cookies for breakfast, etc. You are showing amazing strength and dignity. You have been and are the stable factor in the boys' lives.
Could your H keep the boys so you could have some time to yourself? You could maybe go to a hotel for a night or two. You could have some time to yourself to cry/journal/pray, and then some time for doing something nice for you - a massage/a nice hike/get your nails done. Is this a possibility?
Hang in there, Jackie. ((((Jackie))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
There is the rational part of my brain that continues to function at times that tells me the boys just miss and love their Dad. I can't be angry at them for that. Just hurts, but I need to deal with it. Annoys me that he checks out of their life for pratically a year--going on 6 day business trips, working 80 hour weeks, being cranky at home, but, bam, he decides that he know wants to bond with them and they are all over him. Natural, of course, but just sucks. Life isn't fair, and if I keep waiting for fairness I will be old and bitter.
H will have them a lot, almost more than me, every other weekend, Wed nights and he also wants them Fridays that he doesn't have them for the weekends. Plus there are boyscout functions for what is scheduled to be "my weekend" so he'll have them then. I'm just letting it go for the next two months and then re-evaluate this agreement.
He started moving his things last night, he moves into the new place today.
