This was a really strange week. Kidlet got sick on wed with stomach flu, so i stayed the night helping out. Next morning i get an email for W saying great job with the teamwork. I say no worries, my pleasure. That evening i stay the night again, watching our usual shows. She is cuddly and flirty. I am feeling a bit reserved and don't really open up too much, which seems to bring her in closer. I act aloof and distant and she notices. She sees my being stressed out and reaches out for me.
she thinks that i am stressing because she is going to her cousin's bday part on friday night, which will involve lots of drinking and lots of single men. i sort of am but i am trying not to think about that.
I end up staying the night, i didn't ask her and she didn't refuse. All week i have been staying till like 9 and leaving which was a 180 for me.
So we are in bed reading, i am still acting my aloof distant self and she knows it. She leans over and says good night and i say the same with really no inflection.
We are lying there for a couple of minutes. she is restless. I hear her wiggling about trying to get comfortable. Now i know she has something on her mind. I reach over and say everything ok and i got the long pause. At this point i am done being aloof and i just want to snuggle with her. So i make my move and she rejects me. telling me she doesn't want to make out or something to that extent. I am a bit hurt, admittedly but nevertheless retreat back to my side. We have a brief R talk. Man i hate those and need to stop. She tells me she still has 2 feet out the door, blah blah blah, waw script, blah blah blah. R talk over. Back to snuggling.
in the morning, i am back to my aloofness and lo and behold she wants to be snuggly. I put all my work clothes and am ready to go out the door. She sits up and asks me if i have time to snuggle with her. I cave and say ok. Next thing i know, we are ML or having sex as she put it later today. We kiss goodbye. I am late for work cuz of it, but i am very happy for it. Fast forward to today and she is back to being cold. she says she was stressing about telling me to she didn't want me to stay the night. I told her i wasn't planning on it anyway, but it still hurts that she stresses about that. So another long drawn out R talk, in which she tells me that she got a lot of attention from other guys last night and she was yet again reminded that there are plenty of fish in the sea. OUCH. I should have told her, that there are plenty of fish for me too, but i didn't. Lame. I am lame. She goes on to say more WAW stuff and finally i just said OK and bye. I got in my truck and left. But i forgot my laundry. so i go back and get it and on my way out, i told her i promise not to stay the night unless she specifically invites me. This rollercoaster ride sucks. back to galing and acting aloof. Looks like that works the best.
Sleeping alone sucks...knowing that my entire family is going on without me is a tough tough pill to swallow. When i am there, i feel like i have somewhat of a home. But i do not. It is an illusion. I am very much homeless at this point.
For me, waking up in the morning, knowing that she is probably happier that i am not there is like a sledgehammer to the gut.
11 years of marriage and all that seems to matter is the recent not so good times. I always thought that marriage was supposed to be about pulling each other out from the quicksand, but apparently now a days its so much easier to just call it quits. Wow, how naive can I be?
I miss my wife today. I miss the good times and even the bad ones because i got to come home.
HOME.
That is what being married to someone is about. Being HOME. God i wish i could be HOME.
