Goodness you can confuse and exasperate me, sometimes resembling my former spouse in maddening ways.
When married each partner should be the emotional confidante, support to the other. In separation and divorce that dynamic usually changes dramatically. You may say that you're there for her, that that's how you roll. That it's in the best interest of the children to keep her from failing.
You have no control. What control you do exert works against you. It's none of your business what she does and does not have in her refrigerator. In fact, it's an invasion of privacy on your part. You are not the caregiver while the kids are with their mom. That is a sad fact in divorce. But the kids do create their own relationship with their mom even if it does not meet your standards of care.
You and your wife seemed to be enmeshed in a dance of razors and scorn. Let her go to learn what she needs to. She may be getting really bad advice, but that's the one she's following.
What she says about your relationships is out of bounds, none of her business. The same holds true of hers. Change the channel, close the door. Be the co-parents and drop the rest.
Let go of the rope you each are burning yourself with.
