My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

That's a strange reaction....was the sep. agreement in you benefit?

it is in her favor. I'm paying her almost twice what the state would require if she were custodial parent. I think she was just angry that I might be taking any action at all. Especially with an attorney. We originally agreed that we would do inexpensive dissolution which she has threatened to move forward with several times recently. So I guess she's just feeling like I'm trying to get the upper hand after what she already went through.

[billclay18]

So I guess she's just feeling like I'm trying to get the upper hand after what she already went through.

A natural reaction on her part. Be careful about the separation agreement, that can easily turn into the final settlement. While I applaud you for being more generous than the state requirement, don't back yourself into a corner that puts you in a financial quagmire. You need to be able to give yourself and your kids a fair and equitable standard of living.

[RedSoxFan]

Anyways, with that crazy rambling, this could be an opportunity. Maybe do some research into what the courts would do financially for you both with 50/50 child split. Show her how much different it's going to be when you governed by the courts as to what you and she will be obligated to be responsible for. Show her how tight things are going to continue to be. Not in a threatening kind of way, but use this as an opportunity for a reality check and the opportunity to show her you are looking at life with her as a divorced co-parenting unit......Confused?

I definitely see how this can be an eye opener for both the LBS or WAS, however the LBS can't show the WAS anything. It will be perceived as pressure, coercion, etc. This is a reality that must evolve on it's own. Unfortunately sometimes that doesn't happen until it's too late.

I agree that if she is in the mindset that I'm pursuing then she will perceive my actions as coercive. If she really gets that I'm moving on regardless then it may have some impact. There obviously a big risk in taking this approach. I have to be prepared to continue forward and end everything. I feel like I'm very close to being prepared to do that.

I'd be curious to know how all of you feel about timing. I left about a year ago. Its been a couple of months that she's had to process my desire to reconcile. I honestly can't see myself giving it another 8 months waiting to balance out the time (10 months me + 10 month her). BTW. if it matters. I actually thought both of us were not seeing anyone and working on ourselves prior to my finding out about OM. She really didn't know what I was doing and didn't ask.

If I chose to push for resolution now, am I not being smart? Not being fair? Am I being selfish? What would you do?

[billclay18]

I wouldn't do anything right now. Her reaction to you mentioning a lawyer tells me she's not quite ready for that step. Although the two of you talked about working out an agreement yourselves, you'd both be foolish not to consult lawyers before attempting to reach an agreement, so you doing so shouldn't have been met with such disdain.

You've been pursuing her like crazy for months and have only recently backed off and truly started DB'ing. Give her space and let it play out.

If and when the time comes, I strongly advise you to let the lawyers handle it. Saves you additional emotional upheaval and I'd hate to see you agree to something out of guilt or ignorance to the system that screws you for years to come.

I realize the last thing you want to do is screw your W over and I'm not suggesting that, just don't screw yourself in an effort to "make things right". Nothing about this is right.

As far as waiting 8 months, my D took 29 months so you're just getting started.

[RedSoxFan]

I wouldn't do anything right now. Her reaction to you mentioning a lawyer tells me she's not quite ready for that step.

Do you mean "not quite ready" from a DBing perspective? As in she may still change her mind? As in she's not level-headed enough to negotiate fairly?

Although the two of you talked about working out an agreement yourselves, you'd both be foolish not to consult lawyers before attempting to reach an agreement, so you doing so shouldn't have been met with such disdain.

I'm sure we would both consult during the process. Obviously it would be beneficial if we both consulted in advance with pro-marriage attorneys. I guess I'm not seeing your point in the statement above.

You've been pursuing her like crazy for months and have only recently backed off and truly started DB'ing. Give her space and let it play out.

Two months ago I did a 180 and asked to reconcile. Have been pursuing with clearly demonstrated intent to move on for almost 1 of those months. No pursuit for approximately two weeks.

If and when the time comes, I strongly advise you to let the lawyers handle it. Saves you additional emotional upheaval and I'd hate to see you agree to something out of guilt or ignorance to the system that screws you for years to come.

I realize the last thing you want to do is screw your W over and I'm not suggesting that, just don't screw yourself in an effort to "make things right". Nothing about this is right.

You've brought this up a few times so let me just clarify for you. I'm not going to screw myself or allow that to happen out of guilt or anything else. No need to worry about that.

As far as waiting 8 months, my D took 29 months so you're just getting started.

Very, very little chance that either of us would let things go on that long. Dissolution start to finish can be completed in two months. I imagine worse case scenario to be w months with mediation. If it went 29 months it would be because I was fighting to get a fair settlement.

[billclay18]

I wouldn't do anything right now. Her reaction to you mentioning a lawyer tells me she's not quite ready for that step.

Do you mean "not quite ready" from a DBing perspective? As in she may still change her mind? As in she's not level-headed enough to negotiate fairly?

Ready to get the D started. If she were, she would have already, she wouldn't care that you mentioned a lawyer.

Although the two of you talked about working out an agreement yourselves, you'd both be foolish not to consult lawyers before attempting to reach an agreement, so you doing so shouldn't have been met with such disdain.

I'm sure we would both consult during the process. Obviously it would be beneficial if we both consulted in advance with pro-marriage attorneys. I guess I'm not seeing your point in the statement above.

Consult a lawyer before, not during the process. Find out exactly what your rights are, what the statutes are in your state, etc. She should do the same.

You've been pursuing her like crazy for months and have only recently backed off and truly started DB'ing. Give her space and let it play out.

Two months ago I did a 180 and asked to reconcile. Have been pursuing with clearly demonstrated intent to move on for almost 1 of those months. No pursuit for approximately two weeks.

You asked her to reconcile in July and from what I read have pursued her continuously until just recently. I believe I read in one of your recent post you telling her you didn't want a D and still loved her. What do you call that?

If and when the time comes, I strongly advise you to let the lawyers handle it. Saves you additional emotional upheaval and I'd hate to see you agree to something out of guilt or ignorance to the system that screws you for years to come.

I realize the last thing you want to do is screw your W over and I'm not suggesting that, just don't screw yourself in an effort to "make things right". Nothing about this is right.

You've brought this up a few times so let me just clarify for you. I'm not going to screw myself or allow that to happen out of guilt or anything else. No need to worry about that.

Really? You already stated you give her twice what the state requires financially in your separation agreement, an agreement which often sets the precedent for the final agreement. Nope...no need to worry.

As far as waiting 8 months, my D took 29 months so you're just getting started.

Very, very little chance that either of us would let things go on that long. Dissolution start to finish can be completed in two months. I imagine worse case scenario to be w months with mediation.

Two months, unlikely unless you can both come to a fair, equitable agreement yourselves, which you won't unless one of you caves. You're already at odds over issues, which goes with the territory.

If it went 29 months it would be because I was fighting to get a fair settlement.

Isn't that the objective?

[RedSoxFan]

Ready to get the D started. If she were, she would have already, she wouldn't care that you mentioned a lawyer.

Good point. Problem is, there isn't incentive for her to end the marriage. She can see other people and be in the best situation she's likely to be in (financially , etc.) for some time to come.

Consult a lawyer before, not during the process. Find out exactly what your rights are, what the statutes are in your state, etc. She should do the same.

We both consulted attorneys a year or so ago. We've also been working together on the attorney to handle the dissolution. I'm ramping up with a new attorney this week.

You asked her to reconcile in July and from what I read have pursued her continuously until just recently. I believe I read in one of your recent post you telling her you didn't want a D and still loved her. What do you call that?

Thats a good point. So are you saying that I need to completely withdraw committment of love and willingness to reconcile in order to do this last stage of DBing completely?

Really? You already stated you give her twice what the state requires financially in your separation agreement, an agreement which often sets the precedent for the final agreement. Nope...no need to worry.

That really concerns me. It was never my intent to think of the agreement as anything long-term or sustainable.

[billclay18]

Ben (I don't care what others call you...you're Ben the school teacher to me)...I don't have time to respond right now, but I will later.

[billclay18]

Ready to get the D started. If she were, she would have already, she wouldn't care that you mentioned a lawyer.

Good point. Problem is, there isn't incentive for her to end the marriage. She can see other people and be in the best situation she's likely to be in (financially , etc.) for some time to come.

There is incentive for OM for her to end her marriage. How patient do you think he will be? Do you think she wants to continue like this indefinitely?

You asked her to reconcile in July and from what I read have pursued her continuously until just recently. I believe I read in one of your recent post you telling her you didn't want a D and still loved her. What do you call that?

Thats a good point. So are you saying that I need to completely withdraw committment of love and willingness to reconcile in order to do this last stage of DBing completely?

Yes, she knows how you feel and knows what you want. Has it made a difference? That hasn't worked...do something else.

Really? You already stated you give her twice what the state requires financially in your separation agreement, an agreement which often sets the precedent for the final agreement. Nope...no need to worry.

That really concerns me. It was never my intent to think of the agreement as anything long-term or sustainable.

It can be. Courts can take the attitude "if this works, why change it".

[RedSoxFan]

Having a terrible weekend. W away with OM out of town together again. I just can't deal people. I can't find anyway to convince myself everything is fine when I feel like this. Kids talking about being at church with W, OM and his kids last weekend. Who sleeps with a married woman and takes her to church with her kids. I guess I'm just a terrible person and I don't get it. It just breaks my heart.

I can honestly say that I'm hurt pretty bad. Maybe we're even now. Two hurt people plus a destroyed family.