Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

She's going through with it. It's gonna be hard to have closure without knowing why she went forward with the divorce despite my changes. She may not understand herself; or she may have her own reasons that I don't know about, or she may have her own reasons that I don't understand. She told me she wants closure.

Yeah, it is a hard part. I've got all kinds of reasons racing through my head. And we sometimes draw our own conclusions. Having no answer or no discernable answer makes it hard to have closure.

I think she has her own reasons for not trusting my changes. I think they provide her with motivation, or justification, to take the actions she is taking. She hangs onto her bad feelings for me like a security blanket.

I was sort of at peace, for months. I knew the same 2 things were possibilities, and I had hope that she and I would make our marriage into a new marriage that would be great and fulfilling and healthy. Unfortunately, she has chosen to divorce me, and the semi-peace that I was feeling is gone...replaced by hurt, disillusionment, disappointment, regret, etc.. Yes, I'm a believer, and I depend on God for help.

That's the way I feel right now GIMA. I've held on to a hope that has now been taken from me. True, my self-esteem is battered. I know it's emotional. But the feelings are overwhelming right now.

I have become a better man, a better father, and a better partner. I have made changes in myself for the better because they needed to be happen. Period. I feel in my heart that I am now the kind of person that Sandi describes and you mention...but I am so lsad and lonely and the negative emotions overpower the truth in situations like this and cause one to feel desperate and hopeless.

I believe in my heart that I have a lot to offer, now. I now have a lot to offer my wife. But I won't get to. I'm trying to understand how not to give up just yet on my marriage, especially since she has now filed for divorce and has said the things to me that she has? I don't want to be done...I don't want to move on. But I don't want to have false hope either.

She has filed for divorce and papers will be served whenever they are. I know that. I will see and hire an attorney on Tuesday. Seems like it's gonna be hard to rebuild my self-esteem right now, under these circumstances, with a contentious and costly divorce coming up. I know my self-esteem needs to be bolstered though.

I know that the hurt and the emotions I feel are valid. I know they have to run their course...more time. I will continue to work on me, for the sake of my kids and myself.


ps - thanks for taking the time and putting forth the effort. I really appreciate it.