Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[givingitmyall]

I wouldn't be so sure she has no feelings left for you. Mybe she doesn't, but maybe she does.

How much have you worked on GAL'ing and detaching? Detaching isn't giving up or not having feelings for your W. It's more about you accepting what you cannot control. Accepting the worst case scenario and realizing you will come out of it ok. It's not what you want, but you will be ok.

A large part of detaching, at least for me, is building up your self confidence. I used to be low in that area - probably one of the things that turned off my W. The more self confidence i was able to develop, the more I realized that, God forbid, I got D'd, there are a lot of beautiful women out there who would think I'm not too shabby.

What can you do to lift your self esteem? Tihs whole process is he!! on your self-confidence.

[iwantittowork]

Yes, my self confidence was low and got worse during our R.

I have been GAL as much as possible, and next weekend I am going to denver for the pats game with two freinds.

I am not out looking for ea or pa, just trying to work on me. My WAW has said in the past that if we don't spli up she'll wind up fulfilling her physical needs elsewhere..

I am trying to build back my self confidence, but nights like tonight, how the heck does that work?

[givingitmyall]

I am trying to build back my self confidence, but nights like tonight, how the heck does that work?

Call it a bad night. Hit the hay. Then get up tomorrow with another chance to make it a better day.

If you can work on detaching, it will make nights like tonight rare. They will come less frequently, if at all, and when they do, the will be much less severe.

[iwantittowork]

Detaching is the key GIMA, I know. I don't know how to fully detach yet, maybe seperation will do it.

I went against the rules, and talked to W about where she is at, not to make her feel guilty, or temperature take, but to try and assess what I need to do next.

So many things she says are mirrored still by others.

She's the bad person for leaving, she is better off alone, she is happier just being by herself and confident in her decision.

I need help from you guys on the Tough Love approach, I have mediation tomorrow, and I have been thinking about it, and don't know where to hold my line.

Where do I budge, and where do I hold firm?

Example, the other day she said because her work doesn't provide health insurance, she wants in the D agreement that I keep her on my health insurance.

My thoughts are, she wants the benefits of being married to me, without being married to me. I want to hold the line and say no, if you want a D, then get your own health insurance, maybe at most a small time or year on mine, then get your own.

My issues is, I don't know if that sounds fair or is me just being spiteful?

Where else should I be firm and strong during negotiation?

Please list out anything if you have been through this before, I don't want to get taken advantage of by feeling I need to support her for my d8's sake.

Mortgage? If I move out, I want her to pay the mortgage and bills until the house is sold.

Child support? Nothing I can do here, that I know of.

Alimony? I absolutely don't want to pay any.

[BigJohn]

Detaching is the key GIMA, I know. I don't know how to fully detach yet, maybe seperation will do it.

IWITW,

Detachment takes a while to achieve so don't get frustrated by the pace. You will get there, it just takes time. Physical S may very well help the detachment process. You have taken accountability for the mistakes made in your 50% of the MR. You are willing to work to make the needed changes, your W is not interested and wants to move on instead. One key to detachment is to realize that this is her problem, not yours, and I believe that her attitude- as with my W's in my sitch- will eventually come back to bite her.

I went against the rules, and talked to W about where she is at, not to make her feel guilty, or temperature take, but to try and assess what I need to do next.

Stop talking to her about the MR. Keep communication with her to a minimum and be polite and kind when you do. Don't react to what she is doing in determining what is best for you. Now more than ever you need to be PROACTIVE not REACTIVE in your sitch. Figure out what the best outcome is going to be for you and your D8 and work towards it.

So many things she says are mirrored still by others.
She's the bad person for leaving, she is better off alone, she is happier just being by herself and confident in her decision.

These are all secondary issues that you don't have the luxury to spend time on right now. Push them out of your mind for the time being.

I need help from you guys on the Tough Love approach, I have mediation tomorrow, and I have been thinking about it, and don't know where to hold my line. Where do I budge, and where do I hold firm?

My first question to you is what are your priorities? Determine what your priorities are first, then rank them in order of importance. Next, determine what your W's priorities are and do the same. From there, you will have a better idea on areas where you will want to stand firm on and other areas where you are willing to negotiate.

If Mass. is similar to Calif. then the first mediation meeting will probably focus primarily on child custody- both joint legal and physical. Something that you need to burn into your brain right now- if it isn't already- is that your focus must be on your D8 not what you or what your W wants. Joint legal custody- usually (50/50)- should not be an issue. Joint physical custody is not automatically 50/50 and in your case might be for example 30% (you)/70% (your W). You are going to have to make the call as to how much time realistically and otherwise you can spend with your D8. For me, I was determined to seek 50/50 joint physical custody of my kids and that was one area where I "held the line". Again, your call. Whatever you decide, you need to have a basic "parenting plan" in place which includes a proposed weekly schedule for "sharing" D8 with your W.

Example, the other day she said because her work doesn't provide health insurance, she wants in the D agreement that I keep her on my health insurance. My thoughts are, she wants the benefits of being married to me, without being married to me. I want to hold the line and say no, if you want a D, then get your own health insurance, maybe at most a small time or year on mine, then get your own.

My issues is, I don't know if that sounds fair or is me just being spiteful?

Of course she wants her cake and eat it too! First, I'd agree to keep D8 on your health insurance. Regarding your W, I'd concur with your thoughts and consider offering to carry her on your health insurance for a short period i.e. a year as a way to help your W get on her feet financially as she transitions to life as a single woman again. The health insurance coverage should be a negotiating point, not an automatic "freebie".

As long as you keep the welfare of your D8 your #1 concern- as it should be- AND maintain a sense of fairness and reasonableness in dealing with your W you should do fine.

Please list out anything if you have been through this before, I don't want to get taken advantage of by feeling I need to support her for my d8's sake.

As you know, I'm still working my way through the process myself. I think that you need to separate the needs of your D8 from the needs of your W. Try thinking of your sitch in terms of you as a single father rather than as an absentee father of your D8 living with her mother.

Mortgage? If I move out, I want her to pay the mortgage and bills until the house is sold. Child support? Nothing I can do here, that I know of. Alimony? I absolutely don't want to pay any.

Your specific obligations in regards to all of the above will largely be determined upon the respective individual incomes of you and your W along with the amount of joint physical custody you and your W will have with regards to D8. Sounds like you may have a lot of due diligence still to do between now and tomorrow to determine your potential financial exposure.

I hope this help IWITW. I'll try to check in later. Take care and good luck tomorrow!

[iwantittowork]

BJ,

Thanks man, those are great replies, I am exhausted from lack of sleep, but wanted to post back to you. I am going to catch some sleep tonight, then get on these in the morning to have some things written out for myself as I go to mediation tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow mediation is about money, he has all my finances and hers, so the plan is supposed to be to work on that. I know some 'ballpark' figures for child support as that is a formula in mass, for custody, realistically your right, it is going to be 30/70 or something like that.

Alimony in this state is so up in the air, the L I have talked to say I may have to pay some, but may get out of it, not really a clear answer, but if were in mediation, I'll see what he says. In reality, if I can reduce strict child care support and supliment with Alimony its better off for me as alimony is tax deductible for me, and WAW has to pay on it.

Thanks again for the awesome post above, I'll be taking notes..

[BigJohn]

BJ,

Thanks man, those are great replies, I am exhausted from lack of sleep, but wanted to post back to you. I am going to catch some sleep tonight, then get on these in the morning to have some things written out for myself as I go to mediation tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow mediation is about money, he has all my finances and hers, so the plan is supposed to be to work on that. I know some 'ballpark' figures for child support as that is a formula in mass, for custody, realistically your right, it is going to be 30/70 or something like that.

Alimony in this state is so up in the air, the L I have talked to say I may have to pay some, but may get out of it, not really a clear answer, but if were in mediation, I'll see what he says. In reality, if I can reduce strict child care support and supliment with Alimony its better off for me as alimony is tax deductible for me, and WAW has to pay on it.

Thanks again for the awesome post above, I'll be taking notes..

IWITW,

I'm glad I could help. Good luck tomorrow at mediation!

[iwantittowork]

Ok, I have been thinking and assessing for todays meeting for myself. I am open to constructive criticism and feedback from ANYONE below on this.

In Short, I do not want to make today easy, or a 'win' for WAW.

For Mediation today.

My Goals:

-Minimize my actual Goals so as to not have get tripped up by my own plans or thoughts!
-Remain Confident, Calm AND assertive during the meeting. These are things I am not good at, so I want them my #1!!!!
---- Help by counting to 5 in my head if I need to during the meeting

- Finances
-- Agree to child support
-- Keep 'No' as my default position on everything else!
------ I don't want to be a 'yes' man or pushover, I want WAW and mediator to have to work on me to say 'yes' and have a good reason to do so.

- Housing
-- We need to sell house
-- If I have to move out, convert to child support, move bills to WAW's name, and have her paying mortgage until the house is sold.
-- If I have to move out, I need to liquidate some of the retirement funds so I can get setup in apartment, furniture, etc.

Her Plans:
She and is going to ask for me to pay for everything, including her health care, and wants her 'half' of the assets.
--- I want to make a point of, if she wants half of our assets, that her inheritance should be in play, as we would not have much right now if it was not for MY inheritance that came to us BEFORE we were married, and she has said recently that her inheritance is OFF the table.

[iwantittowork]

Also wanted to note, yesterday d8 said something to me that choked me up a bit.

SS18 is packing up and moving out, getting ready to go to Florida to school next month.

d8 says to me yesterday, "I don't want ss18 to move out!" for her to express that was major to me, as she is not one to express how she feels. We are working on that with her, as I don't want her holding back how she feels about things

But, that got me to thinking, man how is she going to react when I have to move out! That hit me hard, though I certainly didn't show it.

I do hope that she expresses that to my WAW as well, but I won't try and influence that..

[SpyBunny]

Good luck today.