There is a heavy weight on my heart as I come back to this place where I poured out so much of my rage, frustration and pain.
To save you the hassle of going through my old posts my situation is as follows:
- Feb 2007 She dropped bomb, I moved out but she was always around in my life/apartment etc. We had three boys and she was desperate for a girl. - During 2007 she started a relationship with another man and during this year got pregnant with a daughter who she led me to believe was mine because she was intimate with me once during that period. - Late 07 she separated form OM and agreed we should "give it a try again" (note I was on cloud 9 until she said baby was not mine) - Non the less I moved back in with here to try to make it work. - After our beautiful daughter was born in May 08 (she is mine regardless of what anyone says) my wife did not seem to want to try, did not want to get counseling etc so this time I moved out of my own choice (boy was she pissed) for 6 months. - After 6 months in Feb 09 we agreed to move back and live in separate apartments (we own a duplex) to make it easy raising the 4 kids together as they are hard work. - I have been real fortunate because i have had the chance to develop a really loving relationship with my daughter which I could not haev done if I was living elsewhere. - My wife carries her own emotional baggage and in 09 I committed to help her personally by using some of my business skills to help here set up her own business and help provide for the family. it is moving along nicely and we both contribute to it well I think as a team. - However I freely admit I fell back into controlling habits as she continued to receive calls from the OM and I am sure on some nights when she says she is going out to "get space" I am pretty sure she is meeting with him although she denies it. I'd do all of the controlling things like getting moody when she took his calls etc..I know it and by doing so I strengthened his hand.
I have always maintained to her that i want a reconciliation but she continues to say we are separated and does not want to get back together. And yet we are traveling together with kids for work and holidays soon.
So what to do? When I made the decision to help her and her business to help improve her self esteem I knew it would be a long journey but I really feel no matter how long I stay at it she will not come around.
I have used this terrible painful time in my life to take concerted action to try to improve myself, to understand myself and improve my interactions with others and to offload my baggage but she continues to carry her problems on her shoulders.
I'm tired of the struggle..I love this woman dearly and would just break down in tears if she were to simply hug me. We have a wonderful family of 4 beautiful children together and for all intents and purposes are a pretty good team....
We are simply not a team though and when i accidentally reach out to her to show her some friendly affection (my language of love) she cringes and pulls back..its like a knife to the heart.
I'm craving intimacy (not just sex) but hugs and kisses but I'm kinda tired of the drama.
What to do? I do need to withdraw and stop the controlling crap I know but I'd appreciate any perspective because most people think my sitch is crazy when i tell them.
