Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.
Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.
They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'
They are lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.
You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Most of us take off for the weekends. Jack and Mach don't post when they are at home, but when they come back, they do read and catch up...
Don't worry, no one has run away LOL..
Glad you clarified the toilet thing, now it makes a bit more sense.
You found HB's lessons. Important ones to learn. Very important.
You don't have to write the words "smiley face", we know what the emoticon means.
Lost said who cares about statistics. Totally right. One thing I know about statistics is that anything can be manipulated to say what you want it to.
BUT, look around this board. Look at the people posting to you. Survivors, even if they aren't finished with the journey yet. Some M, some D. But the measure of success isn't the saved M IMO. It is the person and the growth.
And yes you were told not to talk to her. Why? Because you were doing more damage than good. You were spinning because of the interaction you were having. You needed to slow down. Eventually and even now, there will be times that interaction will happen and will have to. That is why it is important for you to be calm. So that you can handle it. So that you can SEE and not just hear and react.
Keep working on yourself AYK.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
came to pick up kids,she was po'd that i was early and other stuff. her new car broke down again and had a flat,she said i slashed her tire and more stuff i did over the years.the kids said she's been mean too.
Anyway she said i can ask her anything,cnslr helping yes,what's cnslr said,"nothings wrong with me,i need to empower myself,live my life,cnslr told me u sent her emails and faxes saying i was an alcoholic and smoked dope with friends," i said i actually wrote our life history for my cnslr which passed on to yours.
She said i'm controlling etc. Said when i ask, she's going to say yes, no, or non of your f'ing business.
I asked her if she wanted a divorce, she said yes, i said ok, you said you didn't want one, she said as time goes by she realizes she's much happier w/o me and doesn't care about split xmas and holidays or splitting assets, said she was always miserable in our marriage.
"Said her memories of last 18 yrs are different than mine."
i asked well u filing tomorrow then,"i need money to file."
i asked well before you do,can we go to marriage cnsl'ing together,she goes,"well who's gonna see us together"wrinkled her face and said "yeah whatever if you want to set something up."
i told her well nothing i do now is going to affect anything and everything i do will, she didn't get it.she wrinkled her face up.
I stayed calm cool collected.
Called her a minute ago, said thanks for telling me the truth,asked lets hold up on filing until we do get to a pt of her wanting marriage cnsl'ing, she said now you're trying to control that,too. i said no,i'm just not going to set up marriage cnsl'ing tomorrow. i said ok bye.
My gut told me not to do it, my head told me not to do it, but i know if i felt someone was talking or emailing about me i'd be ticked.
So i just dropped off the emails and faxes that i provided the counselors, to her.
It includes good and bad, but it has everything that i ever said about her to those cnslrs. no where in those papers does it say mlc, it only says crisis.
It also includes the bad about me, from when i looked in the mirror, even admits the emotional affair i had in '98 for a month or so, difference here is mine was a chat room thing it was a flipping log on, but i found myself looking forward to getting online every nite to chat with whoever it was.
I'm glad I've been reading and learning on this stuff,because i'm down, but i feel good.
And i told her again i loved her unconditionally and that meant she had to be happy regardless of how i felt.
I am down, but i'm not crushed,she said my worst fear and i didn't panic.
I'm here posting and hoping for the best,she really has no more dirt on me,i mean nothing,those emails and faxes to the cnslr's were the last skeleton in the closet i had with her.
and i know she's lost it and had a bad day, her new car is broken, her tire went flat she accused me of slashing it in front of the kids.
I think she said divorce for two reasons, one she wants to escape and two just to flipping try to hurt me. Cause she said ur the only one that doesn't want one, have you asked the kids and i said the kids will tell us what they think we want to hear and i dropped it, i really didn't defend,raise my voice, the only thing i asked was wait on the divorce....
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
