Recovering yourself from all this

[25yearsmlc]

Frank,

Start truly taking the advice you mete out to others, which is often very good, and DETACH. You say you are, or that you've changed but it's like I said before...I have heard it all before --from you...and you are not really changing much of the attitudes or behaviors as far as I can tell. I mean it's great you are not drinking and losing your temper as much. But you have NOT actually detached.

You have the score card out a lot lately. You may not realize it but you list every "odd" call or text that stbxw makes to you, implying or stating outright that she's weird or crazy. First off, you do not know. Second, to me, the calls seem as if she's being polite. For instance, recently I thanked an old HS bf for teaching me to drive a stick shift. Yes, out of the blue, (Why? b/c I had just bought a car with one actually but as far as HE knows, it's out of the blue. I don't want to go marry the old bf, or have an A nor do I feel guilty about anything But I just never thanked him for that and a few other acts of kindness that I recalled over the years including some from his family.)

The health insurance issue is another non-issue to me still...I mean you know you will have to legally pay it anyhow when you are divorced so why mention that you are paying it now, repeatedly? You also do that with other financial matters....We get it Frank, you earn more, so you'll pay more...it was a long term M...that's how it is here. I know you aren't trying to sound like a hero but by constantly mentioning what you pay for, it's a bit unbecoming and I hope to God you don't do that in front of the d's b/c it has the effect of looking cheap, rather than the desired effect of looking generous. Especially since the reality is that these are MOSTLY things you'll be paying anyhow, for a short while as d18 becomes fully emancipated if she isn't already.

And her saying she's single on the form, isn't helpful to her for insurance purposes nor was she thinking YOU would read it and then read INTO it...nor could I possibly see it as purposefully fraudulent.... She probably thought saying "married" was dishonest. Are you thinking she's really "defrauding" anyone? As a L, her comment could not have been intended to make money or defraud, as you suggest, BECAUSE it's the opposite. People falsely claim to be married to get insurance in this state, not the other way around. So, you see how much negative energy was wasted on something false? You are inflicting pain on yourself for no reason AND negatively viewing her unfairly at least in this instance. AND You are still blaming her for the divorce though you feign"taking FULL responsibility" for the drinking and gloss over the temper problems, but whenever you "take accountability" you follow it with a smear on her...or mention your unmet needs AGAIN....some of which you never expressed to her by your own admission. She was not a good mind reader Frank....but hey, you are keeping score and you seem to think you are way ahead of her on the "rightness scale" and that's such a progress SLOWER.....it prevents true growth and forgiveness. I don't see any of that in your posts.

Whey you say "she doesn't get it" it's a clear implication to me that you are suggesting she's selfish and lacking as a mother and should feel worse about this divorce...that's why you said "she just doesn't get it" (I really believe that, and you critisize the mothering A LOT) and as for the anger you say your d's feel towards her, it's as if you have forgotten their anger at you.

I recall some very angry times they had with you, even recently with big blow ups, and while it's great you are getting help, I can say as the child of an alcoholic, my dad getting sober was not something "that fixed all the hurt" by a long shot. My mother's failings notwistanding, there was no solution to my dad's drinking that my mom could do anything about and I'm sure my dad thought he was unsupported in his work--it was top secret and she could not help him but to him....she didn't read his mind so he HAD to drink...and after a while she tired of his mood swings and irrational behavior while drunk so yeah, she got bitter and did not forgive well at all. Not until his death bed....so for me, forgiveness was a learned skill since I never saw it growing up.... But this is NOT a contest of who is closer to the girls anyhow.

Until you let the score card go, (mandatory b/c We all use different score cards; they'll NEVER match!!! no matter how much "evidence" you think you have to "prove you are the 'righter' one) believe me, I have been there and done that and learned the hard way that it wasted SO MUCH TIME -and life is short....

SO, lose the score card for real, and stop the commentary about innocuous phone calls or her apparent mistakes on insurance forms. No more "isn't that weird?" It is not nearly as weird as you suggest. I've seen you post that about 25 times and wanted to say this but waited 'til now.

As if she's "rushing you to divorce her as fast as you can??" WTH? This has dragged on a long time, especially for CAL.

And as for what you are paying for...well, I apologize if this offends you, but it's reality--you will be legally obligated to pay it and probably more...so the comments sound like complaints to me. Are they? (I mean, does any man think he pays too little support??)

In your case... it was a long term marriage-- you do share in the responsibility for it's demise....you do make more money and they are your children....soooo what's the mystery? Aren't you the one still in the house? Aren't they in an apartment? Didn't they have to move out and didn't she once move back in to help you with the drinking and depression and "losing it"? Didn't you then impose rules on her as if it was a reconciliation? Isn't their life style the one that has gone down the most?

Hey, Frank, don't freak on me b/c let's remember a judge could wonder these things...
So, you MUST detach or at least stop reading into and commenting about everything she does, then I think more progress will be made. You can move faster on this road Frank. You "know" it in your head. And while venting MAY be helpful sometimes it's the opposite. Writing things sometimes gives power to the words that should remain unsaid...just a thought.

Look, You write things to others, but you don't really apply them to yourself as much as you need to, don't you think? Why not do that now so you can really move on and change? My T and then our MC said if we had not made some real progress within 6 meetings, we should try another MC...fwiw.

j-