[quote=hopeinwaiting The real gem of it is that I need to be doing all of this for me and I can't ... I honestly can't ... everything I do is a calculated move to try and get him to re-discover me....re-discover us and I'm failing miserably and it makes me very, very sad.[quote=Forrest Gump]
Feel not alone in this! I'm with you ... of course, we know that it is wrong and we should be looking out for ourselves but I truly believe that you can only do this when your emotional state is ready to allow it.
I have been peeking through the window of detachment but I never get close to the door. I can see how I want things to be but there's something blocking me each time I make a move. Is that where you are at too? I think that the 'block' is called love.
When you first start out DB'ing, everyone tells you that the techniques feel counter-intuitive and wrong. It goes against what your heart is singing out to do - and even your head. I am constantly battling with both and getting nowhere. After 4 months, I am in a worse boat with my H than when we started out -he has gone and I am alone - he contacts me about once per month nowadays and, whilst I am tired of it, I can not let go. I don't want to and I'm not ready to.
GAL'ing definitely helps, if and when you can. Trouble is, you still have to come back to your home and face up to it. You still have to wake in the mornings with the bowling ball in your stomach and, try as I might, I can find no cure for that one.
I think that we just have to embrace what we know is right from other people's experiences here. Listen to the good advice, throw away the cr@p that some people like to churn out (yes, some do have their own agenda's)!!
When we are ready, I'm sure that we will all find our own way. Meanwhile, protect yourself and be kind to YOU and your kids.
Don't beat up on yourself just because you are not ready for the next step ... you will know when you are but meanwhile, it doesn't hurt to look ahead and try to work out the path that you may like to take ...
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
