All day I have lamented this divorce. I'm a wreck and it is interfering with my time with my kids. Living in this house with them all I think about is the shattered dreams. Tomorrow is church and then we go to a relatives house for lunch. It will be good to be out of this house.
My wife told me the same thing this past week. Memories of dreams that will not be are hindering quality time with the kids. All I want is a chance to go to counseling and try, even for one month. She wants no part of it.
So, in 48 hours, I will be changing my tagline to say "filed for divorce on 10/5/09". That will be a sad day.
I've prayed and prayed, but nothing. How can this be a good thing? Maybe I am supposed to learn something, but all I feel is regret and sadness. Sadness is supposed to serve a purpose, but what good comes of this? A broken home, a split family and unrealized dreams...
Okay, so tonight we talked again, about our daughters b-day in a week and a half.
We agreed that we want to all go out to dinner, for the kids, and leave it at that.
The conversation turns to how the kids are handling the news, etc.. Conversation is civil and fine.
Then she mentions people knowing and how difficult it is that I am "telling everyone". I told her that I have told a total of 7 people, including those in my family (4 of the 7). I didn't say this, but what is ironic is that one of our major problems is that I don't talk. I don't let my feelings out.
She says she feels like "the bad guy" and that people just assume that because I am sad that it is all her fault. I did explain that the people I have talked to have all heard the same thing...this is a mutual decision, my wife is a wonderful person, I made mistakes, she tried to correct them, I wasn't receptive, this is not her fault...
She then says "I just didn't think you'd get over this so quickly". I guess that is the phrase I am supposed to be working toward hearing....but it hurt. I'm not over her, not by a long shot...but she thinks I am. Again, that is the DB goal, right? I told her that it isn't easy for me, but I have to face the reality...we are seeing an attorney on Monday.
She then got upset and said that she couldn't talk anymore, that she never thought that 11 years of marriage could be "gotten over" so quickly and she was hanging up because she was mad.
So, tell me...is this a good thing, or a bad thing? I honestly have no idea.
It's Sunday, the kids and I are heading to church.
I slept pretty poorly last night. I worry I am doing the wrong things with the DB techniques. She's supposed to be getting curious about me by letting her go, not more upset and saying "I can't believe you are over this so quickly".
Am I doing something wrong?!!?
Am I doing this correctly?!?!
What do I do? Mediation is tomorrow. I don't know what to do.
I am sullen today. I haven't cried much, but I have prayed a lot.
One minute I think I can do this, I can move on, I can start over. The mystery of it is sort of intriquing...then I think about my wife. I think about our kids. I think about all of the love I have and how I will feel when we both move on. I know time heals, but I just can't imagine feeling this way for anyone else ever again. 15 years, since HS, we have been best friends. Now we are facing divorce.
I was so confussed last night when she told me "I thought you'd take a little more time to come to grips with this, but you seem to be getting over it quickly", she was upset/angry when she said it.
I told her I wasn't over it, but this was the approach I chose to take. She was/is my best friend and if I lose a wife, I don't want to lose a friend. She said she was done talking.
I remained calm, told her to have a safe ride home, but only got part way through when she said "don't say it". Then she said good bye and hung up.
I never said I love you. I never told her I wanted her to change her mind. I think I said the right things...somehow I felt hopeful after ward.
She said she didn't change her direct deposit for this next paycheck. She said she thought we agreed to wait until after mediation. We didn't; it was clear the last time we talked that she would be doing it.
I don't know when to know if what I am doing is right.
I don't know when to give up (I know it isn't yet, but when?).
I love my wife. A few people have asked me if I love my wife or I love the idea of loving my wife. I love my wife. I miss her when I cook, I miss her when I wake-up and go to bed. I miss her when I do laundry. I even miss her emailed or calls during the day.
I love my wife. I can't give up; but I also don't know if what I am doing is right.
Please pray that I, and everyone on here, does the right thing. If marriage is supposed to be forever, we need to accept our faults and transgressions, somehow learn to forgive ourselves and fix our marriages.
Know I am praying for all of you on here too. I know we all won't be sucessful in winning our spouses back; but if it helps even one of us, I am glad to do it.
She then says "I just didn't think you'd get over this so quickly". I guess that is the phrase I am supposed to be working toward hearing....but it hurt. I'm not over her, not by a long shot...but she thinks I am. Again, that is the DB goal, right? I told her that it isn't easy for me, but I have to face the reality...we are seeing an attorney on Monday.
She then got upset and said that she couldn't talk anymore, that she never thought that 11 years of marriage could be "gotten over" so quickly and she was hanging up because she was mad.
So, tell me...is this a good thing, or a bad thing? I honestly have no idea.
I'm no DB expert, but this sounds very good to me. If she didn't care, she wouldn't be saying this stuff. The reconciliations I've read about often start with the WAW getting angry over the LBH apparently acting so fine with everything. They don't like it. They want to be important to you. You're sending the message that if they aren't your W, they aren't as important to you as they'd like to be. So they makes them face the reality of losing you. She's feeling the 'vacuum' where you used to be in her mind and in her life. It confuses her because she didn't think she'd care this much, and that confusion is making her angry.
Hang in there and hold your ground. If she wants you to feel more strongly about her and your M, let her come out and say it.
I know that; but what if the opposite is true. What if she is thinking, I guess this is right, he obviously doesn't care. He seems okay with it.
I'm not okay with it, and I went through the crying and pleading, so she should know that. She told me not to say I love you, not to ask that she change her mind, etc...
She seems most upset that "she's the bad guy" in this. She told me that all of these people are telling her how sad I am and it makes her mad. She said they don't know the details because you are not telling them everything that you did. I did explain that I tell everyone this is not her fault, that she is a good woman and tried; that I should have most of the blame.
That just made her more mad.
I have mediation tomorrow and I hope to make it through. It will be a true test for me, but venting here gives me resolve to do the best I can. I will update everyone after the meeting tomorrow. I don't expect it to be a good day at all.
Please pray that I, and everyone on here, does the right thing. If marriage is supposed to be forever, we need to accept our faults and transgressions, somehow learn to forgive ourselves and fix our marriages.
I like this statement HM. Be guided by our loving God. There are so many things for which we don't have any answers. Stay fixed on Jesus. All the guidance you will ever need will be gained from Him. I will be praying for you brother. Hang in there. You will soon see better days.
She then says "I just didn't think you'd get over this so quickly". I guess that is the phrase I am supposed to be working toward hearing....but it hurt. I'm not over her, not by a long shot...but she thinks I am. Again, that is the DB goal, right? I told her that it isn't easy for me, but I have to face the reality...we are seeing an attorney on Monday.
She then got upset and said that she couldn't talk anymore, that she never thought that 11 years of marriage could be "gotten over" so quickly and she was hanging up because she was mad.
So, tell me...is this a good thing, or a bad thing? I honestly have no idea.
I'm no DB expert, but this sounds very good to me. If she didn't care, she wouldn't be saying this stuff. The reconciliations I've read about often start with the WAW getting angry over the LBH apparently acting so fine with everything. They don't like it. They want to be important to you. You're sending the message that if they aren't your W, they aren't as important to you as they'd like to be. So they makes them face the reality of losing you. She's feeling the 'vacuum' where you used to be in her mind and in her life. It confuses her because she didn't think she'd care this much, and that confusion is making her angry.
Hang in there and hold your ground. If she wants you to feel more strongly about her and your M, let her come out and say it.
This is all so very true. My W said much the same stuff to me. She questioned how much I could really love her if according to her perception I wasn't "fighting for her" enough. Her & I still have much to work our way through but with the Lord's great assistance we are progressing toward restoration each and every day.
My only goal today is to release my anger on the 1.5 hour drive to the mediator. When I get there, be the me she knew 15 years ago, or even 5 years ago.
I'm going to dress well, I bought my old cologne (ironically it is Eternity) and look my best.
I will be friendly, but direct, fair and honest when it comes to the financials and our kids. I won't beg, ask her to change her mind, etc... I will ask questions about the process of the attorney, etc...
Basically, whatever I want to do, I will do the exact opposite.
Wow, this is going to be tough; but after reading many of the stories here and venting on this thread and listening to all of your advice, I will be able to do it.
When I leave and am in my car on the way back, I will take a moment to completly breakdown and cry, scream and let out my anger and sadness. Then I will come home, get the kids from school and focus on being a good dad for the next two days before I have to leave again.
I will have the house clean, laundry done and things in order when she returns Wednesday.
I'm going to make plans to see some friends later this week and next weekend. I'm going to enjoy my time away from my family, not wallow in pitty.
Now, all I have to do is believe everything I just wrote :-)
