Well, I have been lurking around for the last couple of weeks after reading DR and I have to say, reading all of the advice from other people's sitches has really helped me regain some of my sanity! God bless all of the WAS, LBS, MLCers and others who spend their valuable time helping us newbies out by sharing their experiences.
My Sitch:
I have a borderline WAW who seems to have her hand on the door knob but can't figure out if she wants to turn it or not. The bomb (wanting to separate) was dropped about two months ago and I have to say, I have never experienced the depth of pain and broken confidence that comes from hearing this from the love of my life and best friend.
We have been M 6 years and were together for many years prior to M. I would say that we have generally had a good M and I have always thought that I have been a above average H (good job, reliable, loving, don't fight or argue much, really help out around the house, etc.). In retrospect, I guess there have been some clues that not all was well over the past 1-2 years but it seemed like normal R stuff such as not feeling appreciated and feeling like I am not passionate about her. I always tried to make changes after hearing her concerns and always reassured her that what she was feeling was not how I felt. She always seemed to be better after I made some changes so I assumed that while things were not perfect, they were not anywhere near bad enough to place the M in danger. I also have to admit to being in a state of depression over the past couple of years (possible MLC w/o EA/PA)and this definitely affected her (I became a relatively negative person b/c of the depression). Since the Bomb, I have been in therapy to work on the depression so hopefully that helps. She never let on how bad things were getting for her until Bomb day.
Earlier this year, W started spending more and more time with a male work friend as they had a shared hobby. I was nervous at first but she assured my it was only friendship. Bomb day, which came months later, occurred after I found an excessive number of text messaging going on between them and became upset (never saw the content). After the bomb, W started spending a lot of time going out and not coming home until the wee hours of the AM. Again, she assured me nothing was going on, but a few weeks ago, she admitted that she has been with someone but that it was more of a once or twice kind of thing and that it was over. I read some advice on this forum that an unfaithful spouse will cop to one level below what is actually happening so right now, I have to assume that there is OP. I never believed that I would be able to forgive infidelity but through this, I have learned how much I truly love my W because somehow, I am able to forgive her all while my heart is being ripped out and walked on. I want so bad to work on the M and set things right because so much in our relationship is good. She is following the WAW script perfectly and is saying that she doesn't see how she could ever feel romantic about me again and she doubts that the changes that I am making will stick. She has also said that "people can't change".
I need to release one vent and get it over with. I have come to a point where I fully accept my role in the deterioration of the R but one of the hardest things about this for me is how someone who supposedly loves you and, according to them, has been working for years to save the M can reach the point of EA/PA and wanting to separate without ever sitting their spouse down and giving them the hard truth about how they feel. There, now I said it and I can move on with the post!
For the first month an a half after the Bomb, I did the normal LBH thing which was to beg, plead, rationalize, cry, etc. I could tell that she did not like this and she told me that she can't stand to see how much she is hurting me. I have since been following the advice given so often on this forum to lovingly detach, show PMA, do 180s and GAL. for the last few weeks, I have not mentioned the M and have kept a generally good attitude. I am trying to give her the emotional and mental "space" to work things out. BTW, some newbie advice for the other newbies that have trouble with the detaching because they are "fixers" like me: every time I showed pain and groveled, that apartment finders guide came out. Since I have been following DB principles, I have not seen the guide! Don't know if this will remain the case but thought I would throw some of my limited experience out there.
The advice that I need is as follows:
I know that I need to keep up the loving detachment but since one of our problems was detachment due to my depression and her feeling like I did not show her enough affection, how do I make sure that I don't make the sitch worse by doing this. We have not been intimate since the bomb and there is very little hugging or touching right now but sometimes when she feels bad, she does want to be in my arms and of course I always reciprocate and try to comfort her. The touching thing is a complete rollercoaster right now as one day she will want to be close and then for the next week, there is a wall around her. Right now, I don't try to hug/kiss her because I don't want to be seen as pursuing her so I generally only give affection when she shows me that she is open to it. I do think the detachment thing has given her space and made things better but I just don't want to send her the wrong message. How is the best way to balance this?
My other question involves the potential OP. Most advice I have seen on this forum says to not get into the negative trap of snooping, however, I have also read that you can't work on M if W is seeing OP. What's the best way to proceed?
Sorry for the lengthy post, any responses are truly appreciated.
