I personally think that it would be in your best interest to talk to your family and (in a polite way) tell them to mind their own business. It's not going to help anything if they keep calling him and hounding him. No matter how legit your mother's questions may be, they really aren't any of her buisiness.
I assume that your goals are still the same, regardless of him moving out. I just dont see how your family hounding him can help you get closer towards your goals.
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, because it wasn't meant to be.
(((((Jackie))))))
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
It is good to hear from you. I was getting concerned about you. I do understand about the funk and wanting to do nothing but pull the covers up over your head. I think you're in survival mode right now, and you need to care of yourself in whatever way seems right. (((((Jackie)))) Maybe give it a few more days and then set a small goal for yourself each day? Something little like a walk around the block. I'm not being critical, and I know how this in between time is so painful and tiring. Just don't want you to get too far down about this. Don't want to sound like a broken record, but think of this as time for your H to think. That's it. Try to depersonalize his behavior, including the moving out. This is next to impossible to do on some days. (((((Jackie)))))
Thank you for posting on my thread. You are right about the digs. I've got to really watch it or one or two could come out of my mouth, and you're right, I can't let that happen. Thank you for keeping me in line .
I would also have to agree with Floyd abuot your family talking to your H. Each family is different, so you know what's best, but it seems this may really put your H on the defensive and I also worry that any discussion between them may make it tough for your H and your family during a reconciliation. Again, not trying to be critical, just thinking out loud.
Please post when you can/feel like it. Your input means alot to me. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I agree with Floyd - I would tell your mother to hold off on the questions for awhile. It will put your H on the defensive and just polarize things even more.
Your H is not ready to tell his family yet - so his mind is clearly not made up yet. He is trying to come home early - that is inconsistent with his stated desire to leave.
Part of his issue was working too much and not spending enough time with the kids. On the eve of his moving out - he is coming home early...
I know that the few times The X and I really had a bad fight - I would stay at work late - not come home early!
Give your H all the space he needs to think on his own. Try to not do anything or allow anyone else to do anything that will give him a reason to shift his focus from what he is doing to another crisis. Do not give hand him an excuse to use as justification for leaving.
Many people including myself often use anger or other emotions to hide or shift our focus from the real issues that are bothering us.
I know it isn't easy for you to be in limboland - you are probably at your wits end. Try to find a diversion for yourself and pull out every PMA booster you can find. I think it is very important to maintain a very calm, not necessarily happy facade the next few weeks. Happy may not be good - I think he needs to feel needed. These are the last memories he will have to ponder and hopefully miss when he is sitting all by himself in his new place. With no reason to come home early...
Hi..Jackie..I know the down days..but tomorrow is a new day.
I know I have said this before..somewhere!! But this past year that h has been gone has been a great eye opener for both of us......of course i wish it all never would have happened..but I also found another side of me and I believe h did too, that we did not know was there..we have been able to breath and work on US...I know it sounds rosey..and i don't want anyone to think for a minute that I recommend it, but give it a chance to renew you..and your h himself.
My thought on the family doing any talking to him...NOT...that could do more harm than you really want right now...keep your m to you and your h, and don't listen to all the people that "only want the best" for you....the only people that seem to be angry with my h is my family..why?? because I said a few things early on in all this..before I knew the whole story from h, and now they seem to want to stay in that one conversation despite what i have tried to tell them..now I won't even talk to them about anything...most of our mutual friends have stayed inpartial, and h family is as kind to me as before..so don't tell people things that may one day bite you back..come here to vent.
I definately think the best and one of the hardest things to do right now is give him a ton of space. Don't ask him questions. Let him feel SAFE around you. Go out at least 1x/week without him. Even after he leaves, make sure you have some Jackie time.
You know my sitch and my mom actually tells me to tell my H that she loves him. My mom is an amazing woman and feels that my H is lost. She wants to show him that she still loves him, etc... I know that is probably hard for most people to do but if your family can't say anything "nice" than they really should say nothing.
It sounds like you are really doing a great job. Isn't it amazing the strength that God gives us???!!!
Hey baby, hey baby, hey (I think I will write a song like that!!! )
Are we back on the DB bus??? Ok, back to the basics I guess, read the book, break out the emergency peanut butter and ice cream, set your goals, think of Floyd in a thong (scratch that... Causes nightmares), plan your DB'ing and DB your plan...
What can you do to make your half of the relationship better right now???
Well gotta gets, I have work to do and it is only midnight.
Wow, what a great way to get different viewpoints and looking at things in ways I had not thought about. I have told my mother that she can't be mean to H, her questions are things such as, will you consider getting help, what about your vows, What about the boys, all very legitimate questions, but now that you have all weighed in, I'm looking at them differently. She is still in the angry phase. I think she is coming from the angle that if he hasn't told his parents, than possibly he is hedging and she can talk some "sense" into him. But, as many of you pointed out, it could also push him out the door.
Floyd, I keep repeating that to myself, will a talk from my mother get me closer to my goals? When she called on Friday to talk to him, he wasn't home and when he got home I did not tell her (we were still on the phone) as I wasn't sure about the whole thing. Maybe my instincts were correct to not have them talk.
Mockers & Sue, I keep repeating what the two of you have said about a S being think time, not the ideal, of course, but not all bad. That is helping me get through this. In some ways I think it might be good for me, to see what I'm made of. Mockers, small goals would be good for me, I tend to think in an all or nothing matter. I need to get moving and get some stuff done. Starting a control journal to get the house in order!
Manisha, You are right, his actions are very incosistent for a person leaving in one week. I think I have remained calm, not happy, but things are even here at home and I have not once brought up that he is leaving next Wednesday, though it is on my mind all the time. I never thought of his anger as a way to shift his focus from other emotions he is feeling, I think that is very true. Explains things, as well. I wonder if talking with mom would polarize things. I don't know if she can remain calm, or if she would shift to that angry mode. I suspect the later, so why risk it?
Nik, I don't think my mom is at the place where she can speak to H with love. Your mom sounds amazing and very kind. I think I need to get that across to my mother. I said the other day that I feel sorry for H, and she said don't you dare feel that way. I guess that gives some insight into where she is at.
Hi Pam!
Will, nice to see you around. Good question, one I need to ponder, What can I do to make my 1/2 of the R better. Probably is time to break out the DR book, refresher course is always needed and things have changed substantially around here.
Thanks all for boosting my spirits. I'm working on goals, gotta get out from under the covers and live life.
You sound so good today. (((((Jackie)))) Sound like you are doing a great job in keeping things even at home. "Even" seems like a good spot to me - you aren;t happy he's moving, but you are remaining calm through this rough patch, which shows enormous strength.
Just a few thoughts....everyone posted such great viewpoints - I am constantly amazed at the folks on this bb.
Your mom's questions are valid, but in my limited experience - yes, before I found DR, I asked my H most of the questions your mother has. In return, I got fury. One of my friends said to me that confronting my H with reality would cause him to become angry b/c that's what he's running from. I think your gut instinct while you were talking to your mom not to put your H on the phone is important to pay attention to. Will your mom respect your wishes that she not speak to yuor H about this? My own mom never would have repected mine b/c she wouldn't have been able to control her anger.
The idea that Nik mentioned about her mother seeing her H as lost is good in several ways. First, I have to agree that your mom is amazing, Nik! Thinking of your H in this way, Jackie, will help, I think. The same friend I mentioned above kept saying this about my H, and it helps me see him with kinder eyes, which helps diffuse some of my anger. It also helps to think that part of the reason he made some of the choices he made was because he was (?still is??) hurting tremendously. I'm not excusing his treatment of you or endorsing his way of dealing with his pain, but looking at his decisions as those made by someone in alot of pain may help???
Quote: In some ways I think it might be good for me, to see what I'm made of.
I have found this to be true, in my situation. Not that I'm endorsing S as a good way to learn about yourself, this just seems to be a blessing that has come out of the pain. I think you are already seeing what you are made of, what strength you have.
Quote: Isn't it amazing the strength that God gives us???!!!
Nik, you are so right!!!!
Nik is right too about having weekly time for Jackie. This is so important! Have you gotten any peppermint foot lotion yet? I'm not a big peppermint fan, and I promise - it's wonderful!
I think flylady fits right in with what's going on. Taking care of yourself. Visualizing your home as a safe harbor for yourself and your family, including your H. (Maybe we could meet at a flyfest sometime! )
Hang in there, Jackie. You are doing such a terrific job. (((((Jackie))))))) Getting out from under the covers is a baby step in itself.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Thanks mockers, some days I just feel numb, and then I'll have a spark of energy and need to run as far with it as I can. I'm tyring to view him through kind eyes, he looks so lost when I see him and we hardly make any conversation at all. What is left to talk about? I just feel everything has been said. I try to make small talk, but he responses are a bit short.
Well, he is going around the house and packing up the extras we have of things, so I guess everything is going to happen on schedule.
Two weeks ago he was still talking about still sending out joint Christmas cards, just a picture of the kids and no letter this year.
I wonder, does he want to go, or just feels like the plan is in action and this is the only action he can think of.
I have a question. For about two months I have been planning this open house, I sell scrapbooking stuff, and this open house is with other consultants and at a hotel this year. It is the only thing I do to really try to drum up business, I'm not much of a sales person.
Of course, Sunday is also the baptism for the two new neices. So, do I blow off the thing and go as a show of willing to put the family first and still attend functions as a family. Or do I do my own thing?
No one on his side knows. Would going be just a good hearted gesture on my part. Not going has the potential of me looking like a bitc# for not showing up and doing my own thing, but could also provide him with an opportunity to tell his parents.
I'm so confused. I don't know what the right thing is to do.
.
