It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

Obsessive me, I keep checking for "solutions." One thing I keep coming across the "I agree with the breakup" mental judo stuff.

I can see this backfiring easily. I also have a big problem lying. It seems interesting but seems to involve a long-term commitment to strategic manipulation. I don't know how comfortable I could be doing that. I don't want to con my W.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

[Eskimo Nell]

Hey obsessive twin!!

I don't have any experience of this Mark but I am with you all the way - I can't lie and I won't con my WAH - it's just asking for even more trouble as far as I can elicit.

Seems to me that to tell the truth is the way to go ... you can be mysterious and you can be 'economical' with the truth but that's as far as I am prepared to go.

Did you read Oz's situation? She didn't lie or con but it would appear that she overdid it on the GAL'ing and her H absolutely lost the plot - almost forfeiting her whole DB'ing efforts. Fortunately, she managed to pull it back in the brink of time but it was hairy for a while.

I say that you just hang in there, be true to yourself, affirm your W without agreeing to anything (unless it suits, of course)!

[Eskimo Nell]

Not going to post the list. It just made me sad. It was a good idea but made me feel like it's all slipping away.

Mark - Buttercup suggested that you write all the good things about your W but I am suggesting that you do the opposite and write a list of all the things that make you ANGRY about her. (You don't have to post it)!!

My C had me do this last Tuesday and I have noticed a slight difference in how I feel this week - it's just helped me up a notch in validating myself a little more and dispelling some of the misconceptions that I still hold about why I love H so very much (? maybe ?). It doesn't mean that you are letting go, or even being disloyal, it just helps you to reframe the picture and focus on W being a little less on the pedestal that we LBSs put our S upon. Do they deserve that accolade? Write your list and find out!

I don't know that it will work for you and I don't know that this change will be permanent for me. It just got me to thinking and encouraged me to lift my game a little bit. Won't cost you more than half an hour, so isn't it worth a go?!!

[TooLateForMe]

I considered the negatives list idea as well. I did write a few letters to her (as a journaling exercise, never for her to see) that went into detail about her role in the breakup. Got a lot out that I hadn't considered in feeling bad about what I had done wrong. But I let those ideas spin around in my mind too much and got very negative.

After listening to the Light her Fire audio I wrote a love letter (not to be sent). That cleared my head of a lot of stuff. Kind of in the spirit of "as if," so that my head is in the right place. Focus on the R I want to have w/ her.

She's talking to me and that's a good thing. I want to move our interactions to a flirty, intimate level (not sexual necessarily). This was something I hadn't done since we were dating and I want her to think of me in that way again. That's a 180. No love talk.

She said on the last big talk that she wants those things. She didn't state she wanted them from me. Since the lines of communication are actually open and she is telling me these things I think she's unconsciously giving me hints. Why else bring them up?

So, I'm not rushing things but not holding back.

[TooLateForMe]

What do I do when W goes out. I know she's going out, flirting w/ guys, etc. She claims it's just to feel pretty and wanted, that there's no chance of her hooking up. But it aches to not be the one to take her out with me.

Should I ignore this? Tell her she'll be the prettiest one there?

(think I'll start a new thread on this topic...)

[Mongoose27]

CTH here is truth the things in life that I thought made me happy don't really. So logically you need to find new things and keep living life. My question to people is why? I cost myself and my little girl a lot of happiness and love by not handling things right and not appreciating. I tried in the last month to be really true to my feelings with her and I made some head way. My goal was to be remembered well by her and her boys. I failed at that as well. I am amuch better man because of her but I am also very, very lost with out her. The day is not as fun, the tv shows I used to watch I don't care about. I know this is whining and not being a man but it is how I feel. I got the last of my stuff today and it devastated me. Ironically she accused be of being unfaithful this morning and I have not been. It is related to incident from over 2 and 1/2 years ago and before I was engaged to her and we moved into together. I had a family, I had a world with her, I had a life to be proud of. My mother was not only shocked but impressed with who I was and how I was with her. I was not perfect and to many times I wanted mofe of her. To many times I reacted to things with distnace out of fear of loss and the desire to see her want to be with me. Toward then I opened up more than I have with any other, I shared more, showed more and it was all to be remembered well. I lost all that in the incident this morning. I truly just want to go to sleep and have the pain stop.

[Mongoose27]

I would be honest about your feelings. In addition, ask her out on a date. A real date or better yet meet her out and flirt with her, pick up on her and pay attention to her like you had just met her and were trying to get together with her. Even get adventurous with hooking up later. Maybe have a fantasy of hers waiting when you get home.

Basically make the entire thing about her. Everyone wants attention. I am definitely and an expert or have great advice like many in the forums. This is just my opinion. Trust me bro, I had a great lady, smart, beautiful, intelligent, independent, strong, sexy, everything. Tell her and make her feel that way or someone else might. Your the ones she loves. Love her and admire her too!

[TooLateForMe]

Sorry, Mongoose. I know that same pain. W tells me it will pass. That's her limiting her guilt so that she can feel better about her decisions.

Whine. Get it out. Cry. I absolutely understand. Being a man, though, is being able to admit your pain and be vulnerable when you have to be. Strength isn't denying the grief it's being able to endure it for the sake of yourself and what you love.

That's an easy thing to forget when you feel split in half by the pain. There are a thousand things to do to lessen the pain but you must embrace some of it in order to evolve. I have to have hope to avoid becoming a bitter person. I have to try and try or my failures are greater.

I hope that helps. I hope you feel at least a little better knowing that I (and others here) have or still do feel the same pain, that you are not entirely alone.

[TooLateForMe]

I would be honest about your feelings. In addition, ask her out on a date. A real date or better yet meet her out and flirt with her, pick up on her and pay attention to her like you had just met her and were trying to get together with her. Even get adventurous with hooking up later. Maybe have a fantasy of hers waiting when you get home.

Basically make the entire thing about her. Everyone wants attention. I am definitely and an expert or have great advice like many in the forums. This is just my opinion. Trust me bro, I had a great lady, smart, beautiful, intelligent, independent, strong, sexy, everything. Tell her and make her feel that way or someone else might. Your the ones she loves. Love her and admire her too!

I hope she loves me. We're not in the same house and she claims she's moving on. But would like to get to that point. anyway, I withheld affection and now feel it's called for. I try not to be pushy but fear it may at times come across that way.

[TooLateForMe]

As mentioned in another thread I ran into W at a friend's party. I went with the best of intentions: to be friendly and warm to her. That's it. And I did a good job. I think.

W was very drunk. We went off and had a conversation about R. She claimed several times she was okay with the breakup. A few too many to make me believe that was the case. She stated she would never again be interested in my "type" again and that she signed up to an online dating service. She told me she was on a friend-date with the guy that she came with. But she rapidly broke down and started crying. I had to leave her there and get her friends to help her out. She stayed outside in the dark under a tree crying and drunk/sick for a while and then left. When she did she was red-eyed and looked a bit angry.

When I got home (at my sister's) I sent a text to let me know that she got home ok. No reply at all and I sent another text this afternoon. Her reply to that was "I made it home," then "And I'm okay." I was a bit put off by the terseness of the reply but let it go.

Earlier this morning I sent a letter stating that I understood what she was going through and would be supportive.

I think I'm tired of the pain and drama. I'm going to make an appoinment tomorrow for IC for depression and especially anxiety. I think I want to tell her I'm not interested in pursuing her at all, that I'm exhausted. She seems to have a lot of problems and I can't help her because she won't let me. I'll wait a couple of days before deciding on that, but I'm wearing thin and angry or sad or freaked out all the time. I need to let go.