Breakaway, You are modeling healthy behavior and communication skills. Be aware of what triggers you in these situations. He has never seen "healthy" before but it looks like he is noticing and responding. This helps him overcome those pessimistic thoughts - "everybody/nobody/always/never." You are showing him that it's not true. You are handling it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Good job, and I know how tiring seemingly small incidents become bigger than life. You have to pick and choose battles everyday. It gets easier. ie., you don't have control over the relationship your son and his father will have - but you do have control over how it affects you which ultimately dictates your involvement and the degree of disruption in your part of the world.
Got through the weekend and a sort of big construction project with the inlaws...oy vay. They are even more mindnumbingly suffocating than H, and they drive him absolutely crazy, even tho he turns around and acts just like them.
So it's been a pretty good week. H and I have had some bitching sessions about his parents, but just good kind of funny ones. Like, geez, they drive us crazy!! He has really changed in this area..instead of panicking if someone says ANYTHING the least bit "negative," he can just talk like a normal person. In one of our most recent convos we were able to talk about the fact that you can love someone and be aggravated with them. Or you can appreciate a lot of things about them and still be dismayed by certain other things. He was so stuck in the all or nothing mode before, and he had psychologically kind of "gone over to them" (I don't know how else to describe it), and opposite me. I feel like we are more of a unit again.
This morning he was talking to S12 about doing some kind of project and he said, well, son, there are lots of different ways to do things. Shocking coming from him!! Then he laughed and said, but there's only one RIGHT way, but he was clearly saying that in jest. I was in the other room but I had a big ole smile on my face.
To feel him lessening his rigidity is so great. Dealing with his dad all last weekend, and observing and talking about that very thing in him, is making some kind of impact.
He is taking S12 back down for the weekend and I'm going to do some stuff with S10. I'm looking forward to have some space really, but just for my own sake, not because he is driving me nuts.
I've done some 180's at home, just changing my routine actually, maybe not 180's, but changing up my habits. I've found it helps reduce the worry and anxious thinking. And I've delved into a new hobby and it's sort of addictive and is activating a different part of my brain. It requires a lot of concentration and that takes away from concentrating on my problems. Plus it's just fun. And it has absolutely nothing to do with my past in any way. Something new. New is good.
Oh! And S12 got begged to join another team that was really needing players...it's the next league down, so he's not going to be playing against his old team or anything. Due to being on that really elite team, he has a lot of really good experience, and will be playing with some of his friends again, and getting a lot of playing time, AND is good enough in this league they are also giving him a position on the older team too. So he's playing for the 7th and 8th grade teams. The best part was I took him to his first practice with them and we knew some of these guys from a few years ago, and they were overjoyed to see my son again. Even the dads. It almost brought tears to my eyes. Lots of back slaps all around. Got emails that they sure hope they can keep him. So it was wonderful turnaround from the scene that we had over him quitting the other team. His old coach emailed him and told him he was really glad he was back on the field and he was really proud of him. So H, is of course, happy as a clam. And realizing again, that things can work out better if you don't INSIST on sticking to a single course of action always, come hell or high water.
Reading that ACOA book is very enlightening, because that's a key trait...locking oneself into a course of action when it isn't necessary. More about that some other time.
