This is purely rhetorical, but this is what I see most commonly:
I want to be a carpenter. I don't go out with a hammer, and start nailing things. I find someone to model after. I find a guy that's done. I go to carpentry school. I find out about what works and doesn't work.
I want to learn how to play golf. I can go just play, and I'm gonna suck. Or I can go to the driving range, practice my putting, read Golf magazine, test new grips, buy better clubs, etc.
Why would marriage be any different? You enter into this madly in love (or I would hope). You procreate and bring children into this world that are SOLELY relying on you to provide them with the example of the human being they should be.
Yet, we get married on a whim. We completely stop practicing as soon as the vows are said (practicing = dating, communicating, complimenting, understanding) We toss aside our mates blithely, insisting that "children adapt" and we wonder why their relationships continue sour. If purely looking at statistics, we leave a marriage, and fail at 78% of second marriages.
"In surveys conducted by the National Opinion Research Center, researchers found that white female children of divorce were 60 percent more likely to undergo divorce or separation in adulthood than a similar population from intact families. The divorce/separation rate for white male children of divorce was 35 percent higher than for white male children from intact families." (Hispanic rates were slightly better, African-American rates slightly worse)
Regardless your rate, armed with the knowledge that we are placing an incredible burden on our children, and realizing that second attempts at marriage are even LESS successful than firsts - we still dilly-dally, and the instant we've lost that loving feelin', we charge for the door. (apologies to the Righteous Brothers)
So, to I'll attempt to provide some cohesiveness to my ramblings, and basically call in my support for some analysis of relationships, and support SP's diggings. I think, honestly, it's a lack of analysis that causes marriage failures, or at least a complete reliance on "feelings". How can the relationship book industry churn out magic answers year after year after year, and people continue to be completely clueless?
If you even read the Bible, Moses had to ask God for allowance for divorce, and God only allowed it because of the "hardness of their hearts". Several thousand years ago, people were still saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, and if you don't like, there's the door"!
Now, to the one thing I believe most pertinent:
Quote:
...the concentration of emotion, passion, personal identity, and self-validation in the couple relationship and the attenuation of emotional attachments and obligations beyond the conjugal unit.
That, in my opinion, is the single biggest cause of WAS - wrapping up all of your emotional needs and expectations of fulfillment in a single fallible person. Women need women friends - guys need guys' nights out - extended family - a community or church involvement. If your personal needs are met in a variety of involvement, wouldn't that stand to reason that your relational needs are met with your partner? I firmly believe that your spouse can not possibly meet all of your relational, emotional, and situational needs.
Bear with me as I jump ship off, and pardon my self-diagnosed ADD: I sold my company I owned because my WAW wasn't being the parent she should be. I took a job with a $15,000/year pay cut where I got off work at 4pm, and could spend every weekend with my kids. I have never had a closer relationship with my kids, ever. Sure, things are tighter, but I am relaxed, content, mostly stress-free, and my kids and I go camping, fishing, and play football in the back yard. S7 and I build boats, D9 and I go on dates, and so on. This idyllic life didn't happen until after WAW left - and I stepped it up as a parent. The question I ask myself - outside of my marriage, why weren't my kids worth this BEFORE? If I had done this before, would the WAW have happened? In short, is work replacing family?
I know I'm all over the board, but thoughts? If I'm way off-base, then what is the solution?
