Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

She knows that I have shouldered and acknowledged what I have done, she knows that I have been deeply remorseful and apologetic, she knows that I have tried to make amends, and I have clearly and consistently shown her that I'm not like I used to be anymore.

It doesn't matter at all to her! "You're still the same, you're still manipulative, you haven't changed, you will never change"!

Antlers,

I wonder if she is hanging out on some of the more vitriolic "support" forums for women in abusive relationships. "They never change" is the mantra. If it looks like he is changing, he is just doing it to manipulate you in to coming back and it is just the 'honeymoon' stage in the cycle of abuse. Some of these groups can really encourage and feed bitterness and contempt.

She still has so much anger and resentment towards me...even after these 8 months have passed. I really don't understand it. She hangs onto it like a security blanket.

It may well be a bit of a security blanket. Remember that anger and resentment are ways of avoiding feeling the underlying pain. Also, by hanging on to those feelings, she doesn't have to risk connecting with you again, hoping you have changed, only to be hurt again.

Yeah, it probably is over, but you never know. This is perhaps the best opportunity you've had yet to demonstrate that your changes were not just a show just to get her back. A guy who hasn't changed would now blame & whine, "You didn't give us a chance", (when he had years and years), become hostile and make the details of divorce very contentious. You, of course, won't do that.

Your regret over not changing sooner is understandable. I hope you will give yourself credit for changing now though. I do. A lesser man would not have done the work you have.

Maybe so, I don't know. I do know that what I've seen and heard from her since about last December is completely foreign coming from her. It's like she's a different person. She does have a lot of bitterness and contempt for me...even after the amount of time has passed that has. Even after I've made the changes that I have. And her behavior towards me is unpredictable...she has been congenial at times...and other times like she is now...full of bitterness, contempt, hatred, apathy, etc.

I understand that anger protects one from vulnerability. She still feels a lot. She says the scars will last a lifetime. She's made it clear that she never wants to 'connect' with me again, ever.

Feels like it's over. For sure. I'm hurt...not mad or hostile. But, any hint at any hurt that I have just insanely pisses her off. I don't understand some of this stuff that I've experienced with her since the separation. I don't want to 'help' her divorce me. That doesn't mean that my changese were not real or lasting.

I do give myself credit for the changes that I've made, but I nearly hate myself for being the way that I used to be for all those years. God, what I wouldn't give for a second chance now that I am the way I am now. That chance has been taken away from me. Thank You Dudess for the attaboy. I am proud of the work I've done, but I'm very hurt that she is divorcing me anyway.