Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

I'll try to catch up with your situation Sandycay. I need all the support I can get at this point-I running on empty.

H went out with a buddy to test drive a mini cooper this morning. His buddy is the kind of guy who acts first/thinks later and is all for living in the moment...I thought there'd be some pressure after the test drive to buy and I was right.
H called and asked if we should buy a mini cooper...I put him off to talk about it in person. We talked about our budget last night and two expensive trips the girls may have opportunities to go on and money issues...So for H to suddenly think its not a "pipdream" anymore to get the car of his dreams(although used and cheaper) struck me as weird.

H came home and was telling me about the car..we talked about money/budget..H said he sensed anger in my tone. I calmly said "do you want to know every stupid thought I've had in my brain about this possible purchase?" and he said yes and started getting upset but wanted me to share... So I stupidly shared all the irrational and rational thoughts I had and he got up, said good bye and left me alone... of course thats my worst fear and one of our communication issues...that I hold things in out of fear of his anger/reaction...so it felt like a self-fulfilling reality...

part of me wants H to get this car-he's been wanting one for years, part of me is scared he'll feel more financially trapped with me since it will mean less money in our pockets, part of me thinks we'll be fulfilling his dream at the expense of the girls and mine(a trip this Christmas was too expensive for us a few days ago).. part of me irrationally somehow connects this with getting divorced sooner than later...

I'm at work now and don't feel like going home to what I left. I'm emotionally wiped out. I'm feeling depressed and really have no hope for this relationship at this very moment. This is a sucky situation.