Over the Shock and GALing 6

[antlers]

This is so tough.

Yeah. It's heartbreaking. My kids are innocent victims. My wife is making a decision that will affect them for the rest of their lives...and they have no say so at all! It's a bad thing.

[aliveandkicking]

I'm right here with ya...

[antlers]

I'm right here with ya...

I know...I've been reading your postings, but I haven't been able to help. Sorry. Your situation is all over the map! You're hangin' tough though!

Mine is more simple. She says she doesn't love me anymore, can't stand to be around me, doesn't believe or accept my changes (for her own reasons), and wants to go on with her life without me.

[aliveandkicking]

Actually, mine is pretty close. H is so wounded. The main difference is that your W isn't trying to torture you by leading you on and rubbing her love affair and fabulous post separation achievements in your face...

Something to be grateful for?

[givingitmyall]

No doubt that is true. The problem IMHO, is that we male the mistake (me too) of allowing our self-worth to originate solely from our W and kids. And I think that is a big mistake. Our self worth is exactly that - what WE believe OUR worht is to OURSELVES. It can only be true self worth if it originates, and resides in, us. It cannot come from anywhere else or it isn't self worth, b/c its dependent upon something beyond our control. Hope I didn't lose anyone.

Point is for us to be healthy, we have to be able to be happy by ourselves and with ourselves. That cannot, therefore depend on anything or anyone ELSE.

[antlers]

Actually, mine is pretty close. H is so wounded. The main difference is that your W isn't trying to torture you by leading you on and rubbing her love affair and fabulous post separation achievements in your face...

Something to be grateful for?

My wife is very wounded by me...she says the scars I left will last a lifetime. She does tell me how happy she is now, how happy her co-workers think she is now, and how happy our kids think she is now.

[antlers]

No doubt that is true. The problem IMHO, is that we male the mistake (me too) of allowing our self-worth to originate solely from our W and kids. And I think that is a big mistake. Our self worth is exactly that - what WE believe OUR worht is to OURSELVES. It can only be true self worth if it originates, and resides in, us. It cannot come from anywhere else or it isn't self worth, b/c its dependent upon something beyond our control. Hope I didn't lose anyone.

Point is for us to be healthy, we have to be able to be happy by ourselves and with ourselves. That cannot, therefore depend on anything or anyone ELSE.

I understand where you're coming from givingitmyall. But, under the circumstances, my self-worth has been devastated. If I'm worth anything...then why would she leave? Then, after making the changes that I did...if I'm worth anything, why would she choose to divorce me? This is the way I feel right now, and I can't stop thinking about it. I understand self-worth is what you say it is...what WE think OUR worth is to OURSELVES. But, it's hard to bolster it up when you get such overwhelming rejection from someone whom you know once loved you. What you say makes sense, and I believe it to be true...it's just hard to do sometimes. Self-worth gets hammered in situations like these.

Your last sentence is just as true, I believe...just hard to realize that under the circumstances.


ps - thanks for taking the time.

[givingitmyall]

Man, I am sorry you are where you are. It sucks. And you just have to let it run uts course.

No question this is devastating to one's self-esteem.

But, here is the problem (logically speaking) with your last post:

I understand where you're coming from givingitmyall. But, under the circumstances, my self-worth has been devastated. If I'm worth anything...then why would she leave? Then, after making the changes that I did...if I'm worth anything, why would she choose to divorce me?

You are assuming you are dealing with a well adjusted, reasonable "SHE." And a WAS is not any of those things. They are illogical, emotionally driven creatures. Not "thought" driven, "feel" driven. They go with what they feel.

I don't expect that to make you feel any better (I know it wouldn't me), but that is the truth IMHO.

All the questions you are asking above are valid. It's just that the questions assume your W is reasonable and can see through her fog to notice what WE all know is obvious.

[aliveandkicking]

Actually, mine is pretty close. H is so wounded. The main difference is that your W isn't trying to torture you by leading you on and rubbing her love affair and fabulous post separation achievements in your face...

Something to be grateful for?

My wife is very wounded by me...she says the scars I left will last a lifetime. She does tell me how happy she is now, how happy her co-workers think she is now, and how happy our kids think she is now.

I'm sorry. I hope she doesn't go out of her way to do this...eventually, it is you who will say "enough".

[Greek]

You are assuming you are dealing with a well adjusted, reasonable "SHE." And a WAS is not any of those things. They are illogical, emotionally driven creatures. Not "thought" driven, "feel" driven. They go with what they feel.


All the questions you are asking above are valid. It's just that the questions assume your W is reasonable and can see through her fog to notice what WE all know is obvious.

Well how did WE get so smart?

GIMA ~~~ don't make me come over there!

You guys are referring to this woman like she has some sort of deficiency. Come on! Just b/c WE don't agree or see her POV does not mean she has some FLAW or is in some altered state which precludes her from thinking things through.

Go LSU
Greek