WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Just bought the bed today and I tried to get it delivered on a day she works but they couldn't do it. I did mention to her about a week ago that I was buying a bed and she had no comment basically. It turns out that a day after it is delivered I am leaving the country for 4 nights. I have a feeling she will 'try out' the new bed while I am gone.

[tryingtilDorR]

My feelings for my wife seem to be fading. I definitely LUST after my W but I am not sure I Love her right now. I am not sure why I have turned this corner all of the sudden. I find that I don't enjoy being around her. I used to agonize when she wasn't around or when I wasn't home wondering what she was doing, etc etc. when the crisis first hit about 9 months ago. I think the pain of her rejection and the EA has finally numbed me to some extent and taken its toll.

I think us LBSs go through a clingy/desperation stage, and then realize that we need to detatch because it isn't healthy and we start to feel better but realize that we still wish for everything to work out above all else somehow, to this last stage of "I don't care and it is too bad if she decides to leave impact our family in such a negative way, but life will go on"???

If she leaves it will hurt, no doubt about it, but given how she acts these days I am not sure what I want any more.

I lost my job right before she got into the EA, and I took a new one that allowed me to work at home, was much less stressful, and also paid less than previous job. at the time it was all I could handle. I am now feeling like I need to get back to the level of work I was doing before and feel like I have shaken off the baggage of my M issues enough to be productive again. A job offer landed in my lap that I am considering taking that I wouldn't have considered several months ago due to my emotional/mental state at the time (I wouldn't have been able to funciton). It is a different story now. I feel like I have my game/mojo back and am ready to make more $$ and have a bigger impact on the world

The fact that she doesn't sleep in the bedroom doesn't really bother me anymore suddenly. I am sad that my kids don't see a set of parents who are 'together', and I know this is hard on S17 and D15, but outside of that I am void of emotion for now. I have talked to both of them and said that we are having problems but that I love their mother and am hoping things work out, and that I am sorry they have had to see such a sad situation.

I am sad for my kids that we haven't been able to work on this, but I have done the best I can even though I know I have made mistakes.

I am not ready to file for D, but am just more at peace with the current situation and not agonizing over what W is doing/thinking, going to do, and don't really care.

Our 20th anniversary is next month and it is sad that it will be a non-event for the most part. Oh well.

Right now my plan is to just do my thing and try to enjoy being with my family (Kids - she isn't that fun to be around) over the holidays and take stock of where we are in January.

[tryingtilDorR]

I am leaving for a quick trip out of the country and am kinda looking forward to it. I used to dread traveling for work, and during the past 9 months didn't want to leave home at all given the M situation, but I have a different attitude now.

It is still a hassle and tiring when you travel for work, but the time away from W will do us both good I think. We will be spending weekends apart for the next several weeks as we will alternate taking D15 out of town to tournaments and then she is going to a wedding out of state with my ILs and I will stay back with the kids. I think this will be a good thing - we need space/distance more than anything these days it seems.

She has been kind of quiet the last few days - cold and quiet. I think she is a little miffed that I went out and bought a new bed. They delivered it Friday. I have a feeling she will be using it while I am gone the next several nights.

Something has to give here - I can't see her sleeping in the game room on that couch forever, but I can't see her deciding to work on the M either. She now has too much to lose by working on it - she has been telling close friends and family how over it is and that she is done. If by some miracle she decided she wanted to work on it she would be admitting to herself and others "I was wrong about that" and I cant EVER see her doing that. She is too proud. Not that anyone would call her on that, but it is a mental/emotional barrier that she would struggle crossing.

It is a moot point right now - she clearly doesn't want to be M but she doesn't want to leave either!

The alternative is to stay in limbo like she is, however, and I am afraid she will do that forever and therefore force me to initialte a D or something. But when? When should I pull the trigger? When should I completely give up and trow in the towel? Hard to say right now....

[tryingtilDorR]

Well this has been a rough week. I was out of the country earlier in the week and called home while kids were in school to leave a msg to let everyone know I got there, etc. I had texted the W a couple of times as well with no response. When I called, she unexpectedly answered the phone, and basically gave me the "why are you calling?" attitude and defensive in a weird way.

I thought about this quite a bit during the trip and on the long flight back. In the past I always looked forward to seeing her and the kids on the way home from an overseas trip, even when we werent' getting along at times. This time I realized that while I have the kids to look forward to, I have no W. It struck me and was a lonely empty feeling.

When I got home she was in a strange, foul mood. Colder and more distnat than normal and very defensive. I smelled OM all over the place for whatever reason.

Today she got angry with me because I asked her who she was going training with in the morning as she walked out the door in workout clothes. She got mad. I then made comments about her and OM. She replied with "You just don't get it. Its over. I just don't got it for you anymore. I want to leave"

I responded with if she wants to leave I won't stand int he way, but lets talk about how she could do it. I told her she needed to step up and work more to pay rent at another place. She wanted us to rent a place and each alternate leaving and I said no, this is HER show and she needed to step up and take action to implement it.

I told her I would continue to pay for her car, car/insurance and health insurance if she left but that she had to cover her own other living expenses.

She then said she wanted us to just sell our house and buy two smaller ones. The kids will adjust, etc etc.

I told her it is dumb to sell the house in this market - she could easily work more and pay rent for a while until we decided to sell down the road and allow the kids to stay here longer. She also has other money that is her own she could tap into if she wanted.

It was an emotional day for both of us. I know the only chance there is for us to stay together is to let her go. Maybe she will leave, or maybe she won't at this point. Either way it is no way to live - this has been going on for a year and it is hard living with someone who is just here for the kids with no signs of turning things around.

Today is my S's 18th birthday. It is so sad that this is hanging over our family. It is going to be an interesting time these upcoming weeks.

[givingitmyall]

Trying,

Sorry for the week you are having. Not fun.

So, make your own fun. Find something you want to do this weekend and do it. Give yourself a break from the M issues - they aren't going anywhere.

Just stay busy.

[tryingtilDorR]

Yes I will make the best of the weekend - W left town with D15 overnight so it is me and the 3 boys.

My mistake this past week was focusing on OM (again), and letting it get to me after my trip. Talking about OM gets me nowhere, but I always feel like I need to make it known that it is wrong when I suspect he is lurking.

On the other hand, if I just act 'as if' like I have done as much as possible it doesn't seem to move the needle either with her. The only time there is any kind of movement is when I practice the judo technique of giving in to her fantasy of leaving and just telling her I won't stand in the way and argue.

Today she said she agrees to work more so that she can move out and afford a place of her own. I told her OK, but in the meantime lets try to make the situation around the house as good for the kids as possible until she goes. We have 4 birthdays (hers is one) over next 6 weeks followed by the holidays (our 20th wedding anniversary is in 3 weeks as well which will be a non-event).

Whether she follows through and leaves or not is a question, but I know it is her deal and I can't influence one way or the other. Letting her go completely is the only thing left here. She won't let go of OM and I have tried to be the 'better option' but haven't been successful. I know I am the better option but maybe haven't done the best job demonstrating it, and it is hard to compete with the fantasy world of the OM. I need to move on with my life and start planning for the days being without her if that comes to pass.

I know I will be OK in the end even though there are many tough days ahead of me, but I am much more concerned for the 'innocent victims' in all this - our kids. W said this morning: "I want to separate but when I look at the kids it breaks my heart." Yep, so true.

[tryingtilDorR]

Reflecting some more of the happenings of the past few days - Friday was brutal and emotional. I mentioned above that early in the day I started an argument by talking about OM, which she replied with the quote above about not wanting me anymore, etc.

There was more later in the day. She was texting me most of the day about the R and at one point I think a key thing that happened was that I started asking her what she needed from me to be able to move out. I was practicing the judo technique of giving in to her momentum basically. I went so far as to suggest how she could use her own finances to help pay for the transition, how by just working a couple more days a week she could pay rent (she agreed to work more), and emailed her a bunch of rental listings. Her response was "Dont email me anymore about rentals."

She then came to me later that night and started a R discussion. Here is where I broke down and started trying to reason with her that she has never tried to work on M, in response to her typical tirade about how 'it has been bad for so long, etc'. I should have just ignored her and gone to bed. I am amazed that after all these months knowing what I should do in this situation that I have trouble doing it (emotions get the best of me!). The same goes for bringing up OM Friday.

She left Saturday morning with D15 and I didn't try to contact her at all. She texted me a few times to tell me how the tournament was going. I didn't care to talk to her actually, and wasn't looking forward to her getting home.

When she got home she was pretty nice.

I have no idea where her head is at, but at this point if she takes the financial responsibilty to move out I will be OK with it. Nothing else has worked up until this point. If she continues to insist on leaving I will support her and not argue, but for some reason I have a feeling that she will back off of this, but I am tired of limbo also. A key statement she made that night was that

"It isnt fair for you or me for me to be staying here just for the kids"

Previously she never talked about what was fair for me - she would just say "If you don't like it then you can move out"

Maybe this will make her wake up to the fact that if she DOESNT leave we need to take steps to change things. We'll see.

One thing I am starting to realize is that I now will have my own issues to get over if we ever do try to R after what has gone on over the past year.

Tonight we are having family over for S18's birthday. She just called to talk to me about what present she wanted to get him to get my opinion and was in a good mood.

[pigskin]

One thing I am starting to realize is that I now will have my own issues to get over if we ever do try to R after what has gone on over the past year.

I'm with you there as well. I've thought about how it would be for me if my W came to me and said she's done with the OM and would like to work things out. There would be an initial period of happiness that one big obstacle was removed, but then what?

Since she's cheated once she may do it again. What if she falls back into the EA or a different one? How do I deal with someone who violated the sacred bonds of our marriage? How can I feel safe committing to someone who has shown that they didn't take the "forsake all others" vow seriously? I really am worried that our marriage will forever have a black mark upon it that will haunt us. And the feeling that I am someone she is just "settling" for.

All natural reactions, I guess. But we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

[tryingtilDorR]

Yes we all do have to work through that but it is good to know going in if you have that 'opportunity' that there is work so that you aren't blindsided I guess. It sounds like it is a new set of challenges from what I read on the boards here.

I am the type that can let things go and move on for the most part, so I am optimistic I would be able to do it. It all depends upon what the WAWs 'bring' you as far as motivation to make amends and their actions.

In my situation I feel like I have held this together for the past year (partly by sheer stubborness and not giving in to her desire to split up) knowing that she is on the wrong path and might wake up eventually, and for the sake of our children.

We are getting close to the point of no return where I am starting to not care either way what happens, since the 'miracle' of her waking up hasn't happened. The waiting game is tiring.

[tryingtilDorR]

Distance. I feel it and it is a relief.

When my W leaves the house or talks on the phone I don't care where she goes or who she is talking to.

I go about my day not worrying about her or my M.

I enjoy my kids and try to enjoy each day. I take time to do the things I want to do, like work out. I look good after working out the past 8 months.

I worry about my kids, particularly D15, and how this dysfunctional M impacts them.

I know I will be happy with a partner in the future. It may be my W or it may not. I don't want the M we have now or had before the bomb, so if nothing changes it won't be with my W.

I no longer view myself primarily as my W's husband, but instead as my own independent person who happens to be M, but my M doesn't define me.

My W is going through something very difficult and is not happy about her life, but it is not my fault and she needs to work through it on her own and I can't force her to do one thing or another. I will try to be patient and understanding while she does it and continue to maintain boundaries. I still love and care for her but she is out of my control. If the M is to be saved she will need to choose it and I can't influence her.

I don't spend my day thinking about my W. I actually prefer to avoid her at times.

I can concentrate on my work (except when reading this site!). I am no longer a basket case who can't work.

I value my M still and honor my commitment I made before God. Removing myself from the emotional whirlwind I have been caught in isn't backing away from this commitment - it is actually the best thing I can do to save the M if it is meant to be saved at all, since everything else I had tried didn't work anyway.

Is this detatchment? Is this dropping the rope? As my kids would say: "Are we there yet?"

BTW - I have felt like this all week and the tension level around my house is lower than it has ever been this year. W is still cold and distant for the most part, but I feel like there is no tension between us. It is a good thing. I must continue down this path.