For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[bluerain]

What about asking him to plan the visits with DD? So he cant just pop in? And dont beat yourself up over the roller coaster, we have all been there and probably will be there at least a few more times!

He is being extremely selfish right now, its pretty common, once they get to the WAS stage, you are the obstacle to his happiness, its all your fault and they think that what they have done and continue to do is justified! It is sick, and twisted, and theres no way to reason with it!

So this approach is really all you can do. Im sure that he notices whats happening, he may not show it, but he wonders what you are up to, and you are making yourself a more attractive person, so that when he comes out of this fog hes in, you get to decide what your going to do. I heard once that you should take this time to make yourself into the kind of woman that an man would be crazy to not want to be with!

Sooo... its friday... whatcha doin over the weekend? (You had to know I would ask!)

[LuLu]

Okay...deep breath...I'm just having a moment, but it won't keep me down. I'm keeping my chin up, pushing past the pain that I'm feeling right now and will not let him ruin the rest of my night.

I don't really have much to say, you know what you did. Just try to do better next time. Detach. Leave when he is there if you can't be calm. Remember you telling him what a jerk he is is not going to bring him back to you. They are so selfish right now. There's no if's, and's or but's about it.

What you are trying to do is make him question why he left. When you are bitchy & snappy, he thinks to himself, "See! This is why I don't want to be here". Make him have doubts. You be the better option, Grasshopper!

[courts0818]

Soooo true. And I even felt myself being grumpy so I should have just left. I needed to make dinner for DD or I would have. I didn't call him any names or anything too terrible. But, I will fully admit that I was witchy. I lectured him about washing his hands when he came home (I work in healthcare so I insist on handwashing especially now that it's flu time), sharing forks & spoons (him taking a bite, then giving DD a bite) and a couple of others things I should have let go.

Yes...I so want him to see the fun and bubbily woman I still am and snapping like an alligator isn't helping anything. sigh...just need to learn my lesson and not do it again.

I did text him today to see if he could help me with our DD. I was working and I got a flu shot and I ended up having a pretty severe reaction to it - I was sick as a dog! We had a few texts back and forth - he didn't seem to understand how sick I was (and I wasn't being a drama queen - I turned white as a ghost, was freezing cold, couldn't stand up and my blood pressure dropped). Well, he was stressed at work with a very busy day. So...I think we were both frustrated at each other and the situation. But...he did text to check on me, ask if I was feeling better, said he was sorry for not being able to help, said he would help if he could and said he was glad when I was feeling better. And I thanked him. It's good to know that deep down he still cares. He doesn't often show it, but he must still care a little.

And thankfully, I'm feeling better.

[courts0818]

Oh I forgot to add this: My MIL sent me an email saying she was having family taco night on Sunday. She was extending an invitation to me, H and our DD. Hum...what to do about this? In the past, I've gone to these kind of events bc I wanted the 3 of us to spend time together as a family. But, now that I've started this no contacting stuff, it doens't seem like a good idea.

H hasn't said anything about it and he will NOT say, "I want you to come" if anything he will say, "You are welcome to come" - would it be better for me to decline to help him see that I'm not playing the games and not really interested in seeing him or spending time with him until he decides to put some effort into our marriage?

[LuLu]

I wouldn't go if I were you. If you could go and detach and not care if H was showing you attention or what not, than I would say go. But, I don't think you are there yet. It's not worth it. I don't think anything good would come out of it right now. Awkward is all that comes to mind. If you think you would really enjoy yourself than go. Does that make sense? Bottom line is, do what you want to do.

So glad you are feeling better! How awful and scary!

[courts0818]

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go. Who knows he might not even say anything about it. He wouldn't give me any attention and right now he needs to get the idea that I don't want to spend time with him until he wants to spend time with me. I'm happy doing my own thing, right? That's what I REALLY, REALLY want to show him.

Lulu, thanks for the idea of meetup.com. There wasn't too many available groups in my area, but I did join a mom's group. It's a start! They have 3 play dates scheduled for next week.

[courts0818]

I'm wondering - Lulu, (or anyone else)...when your S decided to leave, what did he/she say? Just curious. My H said he wasn't happy, hadn't been happy for a long time, that I don't have what he needs to be happy, too many things have changed, he just doesn't love me the way he used to, bascially - ILYBINILWY.

Such a slap in the face. IDK why I'm thinking about it today, but he's never going to see me in a different light if I don't SHOW him I'm that I'm still the happy, fun, carefree girl he fell in love with.

Why am I having such a hard time bringing the fun side of me back? Besides GAL what else can I do? I feel like he's never around to see a fun side of me. We never go to dinner, spend time with our friends, or do anything together. How can I show him I'm happy and fun when I hardly ever see him? I know he enjoys "Fun Courtney" - but he NEVER sees her! And how happy and fun can I be at home cooking dinner, cleaning up the house, getting DD ready for bed? That's the only time he sees me. And besides, I've been trying to leave when he comes over - so again, he never sees me. ?????????

I don't get it.

[LuLu]

So glad you are going to get out a bit. It's definitely a great start.

My H gave me the ILYBINILWY line and then just flat out I don't love you anymore and often. He was threatening to leave over and over. He was drinking a lot and was depressed. He would be loud at night, argue with me, I would ask him to keep his voice down because the kids were sleeping and I would get, "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!" He wasn't easy to get along with to say the least. It really started wearing me down. I finally agreed with him. I have some regrets about calling him on his bluff but in retrospect it really was needed. We truly needed a break.

Just keep doing the 180's. They really are for you, a major by product is that he will notice the changes. You would be surprised how just a little bit of contact could have a big impression. Think about the spouses that 180 with no kids in the picture and have success. The only reason he never sees fun Court is because you're not being fun Court.

Think about what you could have done differently with all the contact you had with him last week (even while going NC). Remember the phone calls, texts, him coming to see dd. Now think about you doing all of those things with a huge smile and a little extra bounce in your step. It all counts. You have more contact with him than you think.

You're having a hard time bringing fun Court back because you are angry, hurt and feel like he should be the one making the effort. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. You really need to start doing more things for you. Pick up some new hobbies, start cooking different things, do things for yourself, anthing, manicures, pedicures, look great everyday, exercise more, yoga, meditation. Keep reading and re-reading the list of 180's until you can almost recite them. Start living it.

[LuLu]

If you're like me, the biggest 180 you can do is to keep your mouth shut. Don't complain, contradict, nag, whine, tell him what to do, coach him on his parenting and etc. Seriously though, that's been the hardest one for me. I have to let him parent on his own. It's okay if he didn't clean the girls' ears after baths today or if he put their pajama pants on backwards or whatever. It's not the end of the world and it's not worth fighting for. It's so hard to do sometimes to let go of some of the control because we are the Mom's but it's something we have to do.

[bluerain]

Courtney, when my H started his A he said all of the typical things, he loved me, but wasnt in love, he cared for me deeply, He still wanted to be friends, afterall, I was the best friend he had ever had and that I was awesome, was a great W, I just didnt do anything for him. He hadnt been happy for a long time, and just didnt see anyway that things could be fixed.

They all say the same things... and its all an attempt to justify, even if its only to themselves, their actions. Occasionally they might come up with something unique, but they all go off of the same script.

How has your weekend been? I have been doing some pretty intense studying, so I havent been on here for a few days!