Berto & Steve -- thanks for your anger. Kind of odd, but it is nice that people get angry for me! Maybe someday H will realize the absurdity of his words and actions, but can't pin my hopes on that. And Berto, as far as teams tanking, do you know how hard it is to be a Penn State fan this year? And with all the hoopla now surrounding JoePa saying he is going to coach forever?
Sue, the bible study isn't at my church and I talked to my pastor at the beginning of this mess and it was horrible, I hated it. We have another pastor, I could talk to, but not quite comfortable in that. I am careful in giving details, I'm finding that already. There are only a very few people who know the ins and outs (other than the entire internet world!).
Pam & Opt, the boys and I, that is where I need to concentrate. Somedays easier than others!
Sunday: We drop the boys off at Sunday School and then go to the bookstore. We are talking there a bit and I ask him if he would prefer I didn't initate sex. He said yes, that for him to do "it" he needs to be emotionally involved, he feels guilty if it is just to have fun.
We come home and the phone rings, H answers and I walk by and I can hear my sister's voice. This is the first they have talked. To me it sounds like a howler (Harry Potter reference), but she insists it was a conversation and there was an exchange of ideas. I can see in his face and controlled manner that he is furious. She starts going in on holidays, that he has no rights because he is walking out on the kids, that he should leave immediately, that the pain is too much for me and I'm too nice to kick him out, that she thinks he is having an affair, ea or pa, and that he should be honest with me, the shout from the rooftop love only comes at the beginning of Rs, and that he has no right to limit who I tell and do not tell. Finally I get the phone, and then H is in the background angrily shouting, "and does she want to tell the kids, too!" My sis had finally had enough and let loose. My BIL said she wasn't angry enough.
Later, while she and I are talking, H comes and signs that he is sorry. After I'm off he goes off for the afternoon and hikes and thinks. He is very angry with her, said that he couldn't believe after all the help we have given her in the past years that she would not be supportive of him.
We talked a bit, he said he guess he had it coming, but he is very, very angry at her. Good thing she lives in Germany! They were negotiating when I get the kids at Christmas and that the kids and I should be able to go visit her then.
I think it made him think, though did not change his mind. He did say I was a saint through all this. I told him I am able to make up my own mind and that he may stay here until the townhome is ready.
Yesterday, he talked to the one other person at work who wife knows. That had lunch and the guy told H, whatever I can do to help and maybe you shouldn't work so much! So H came home early, surprised me, and found me on the BB--which I quickly shut down and made him angry, hiding things! I can't win!
Quote: Anger (mine) will not get me anywhere. It will cause more problems. That doesn't mean I can't say what I think, but I can't say it through anger and hope that it will be understood.
Logic doesn't work. He is not thinking rationally. His embarassment and shame in himself is manifested as anger towards me.
As Rob say, it is a no-win situation and since I can't win, I need not try to please him. I need to do things that please me and the boys and do what I can to get through the day. I have to remember he is not rational, this isn't personal, I'm not that bad a person, he is just going through a really rough time.
When their anger is misguided like this, respond by Killing them with kindness! ... and validate with the inclusion of "I" statements that what you do is without any contempt ... "I sorry you feel disappointed in me, but I'm attempting to handle this the best I can with what I've been dealt with!" In fact each time he tries to redirect his anger at you make it your stance each time, " I'm sorry if you feel I'm coming up short with how I'm handling this, but I'm trying my best at it." In essence that's what DBing is all about ... doing your best ... if he or anyone else is OK that ... GREAT! ... if not, that's their issue and you need to be fine with that! If you achieve that level of satisfaction with your actions than you have won!
Of course, being human means there will be times where you can't control your reactions to remain kind ... then make space ... if you're in his presence, walk away ... if he is on the phone, say you will need to talk to him later and find a release to vent ... come here ... or go into woods and scream.
I like how you phrased the stuff, KAW, that helps diffuse the situation, but also isn't me just laying down and taking insults or the stuff he dishes out.
Keep reminding me, Opt, there are days I feel I can do this and have all the energy in the world and others I just can't keep from sobbing all the time.
Sorry to hear about the crap you're putting up with, but you're doing a great job. No more chucking tapes though, controlled actions and reactions is what we're looking for, as that is ALL we CAN control. Anger can be vented more constructively, like on your karate teacher.
Jackie...hope today is a little brighter...pick something positive each day to foccus on......sorry about the sister thing...I have a nasty sister who has never liked my h and he tries to tolerate her...but I would not stand for her to talk to my h like that.....limit what you tell her....family has a tendancy to blame the other one depending on what you tell.
Could you find another church to attend....talking to a pastor should not be a bad experience.
DB, Yeah, I know, control me, such a bad way to monitor results, but I did learn something.
Sue, haven't thought about switching churches, the kids are so happy in Sunday School, I don't know what it would be like to have a pastor I feel comfortable talking with, maybe that is something I should try.
Hi Pam and Opt, thanks for checking in. S4 is sick, so don't know what fun we will do, but probably watch tons of junk tv and read.
Last night H booked tickets for the boys and I to go to Germany to see my sister. We fly out Christmas night, so the four of us will spend Christmas together. I thought the prices were way too high, but he said this is his gift to us, that Christmas will be hard on all or us and it will be good for a change in locale.
This morning, I told S7 that we have tickets for Germany. He asked how many tickets (getting smart about this), I said 3. He said, but there are four people in our family, who isn't going? I told him Daddy. He hit the chair, clenched his fists and his jaw got tight (just like H) and said I want you to stay home and Dad to come with us. When he saw the hurt look on my face, he said, what? I'm just being honest.
This breaks my heart, the four in our family bit, I get angry and hurt when he says these things about wanting H and not me, I don't take it out on him, of course, I understand, but inside I just feel like shriveling up. I finally regain my equilibrium, but something like this just throws it for a loop.
