Over the Shock and GALing 6

[antlers]

"You are still the same manipulative person that you have always been. You haven't changed and you never will. It's all about you."
It's almost like she needs to keep herself convinced of that in order to justify her actions. It seems like she needs to keep hating me to make herself feel better about what she is doing.

This is an entirely plausible reading of the situation. Given that, accept that at this point there may be nothing you can or could do. If she is fighting with some animal in her own head or continuing to fight in the past, there's nothing you can do to fix it; time or a sea change in her perceptions are the only hope you have.

OTOH, if you do have a history of manipulative behavoir (can't recall the details of your sitch), it takes a long time to ditch those habits completely. So be open to making tweaks in communication, etc, but again, you're only human.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to detach your family/marital status from your self-worth as an individual. Hurt, but don't hate yourself for it. You tried and are trying and continue to seek counsel; what more can you ask of yourself?

I thinks it's a pretty correct reading of the situation. At this point, there is nothing that I can do. Others have told me that they think she is fighting her own issues...but I do think that those issues stem from the way I treated her for many years. Just being honest. And it pisses off people who care about me when they hear me say that. I've done everything in my power to 'fix it'. Time, or a change in her perceptions...are the only hope that I did have up until the call on Oct. 1. Since then, my hope has been snatched away from me.

I had a history of resentful, angry, and abusive (verbal and emotional) behavior. And it included being manipulative at times. But I have changed to the point where I no longer am any of those ways...and I have shown it clearly and consistently. Everyone, except for her, accepts and believes it. It seems beneficial to her to not accept or believe it. I am always open to getting better and doing better.

We all know that things are easier said than done. Still, we need to 'do' them. My self-worth is tied to my family and marital status. I feel like a failure. I really am stumped as to what else I could have done, after the fact, to save/salvage it. I did everything in my power. I'm trying not to hate myself for messing up so bad over the years.