Somewhere upthread I mentioned "practice gratitude" on a laundry list of how to stay "in love". I think it's a biggy for everyone. Expressing it is essential, but even just being mindful of finding ways to feel it toward your spouse makes love a lot easier on *your* end, too. IMHO.
General "you". Still not feeling particularly cogent.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
...she's been pulling the financial wagon in your family, and even THAT won't be honored.
Something about that statement bothers me on some level. I'm a man and I've been "pulling the financial wagon in my family" but I'm not allowed to use that point and ask for appreciation for it, just like when I do the bulk of the house work. It's just something that needs to be done and if you can do, do it.
That almost sounds a bit sexist.
I think you should be appreciated for what you contribute. At this time in the history of women (in this country esp), if a man is supporting a family, his W should be grateful - since there is no obstacle to her going out and doing the same. I was a SAHM for 15 years before I began working in my field and I didn't miss many opps to make it known that Coach made that possible for our family. And likewise, now that I am working outside of the home, my income makes many things possible for our family that we couldn't do/didn't have before. I certainly do want to be appreciated for that - and I am.
Sexist I am not.
Greek
But there's the rub, we don't appreciate what is commonplace in our lives, at least most people don't. We only tend to appreciate things when they are gone or things that happen infrequently. You are right we SHOULD appreciate people for what they contribute but the fact is we usually don't.
I know that this is one area that I have come to resent. I have spent years getting criticized for not being "supportive enough", but not once in the M have my W ever said "Thank you for working so hard to earn enough to support our family".
I've started to get a bit bitter about it.
Last edited by Thinker; 10/03/0904:59 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Has she never said it any way? I said it so much to H but he really didn't hear it or remember it because of his own insecurities of not being able to provide enough.
I know that this is one area that I have come to resent. I have spent years getting criticized for not being "supportive enough", but not once in the M have my W ever said "Thank you for working so hard to earn enough to support our family".
I've started to get a bit bitter about it.
Of course you're bitter about it, everyone wants to be appreciated for the things we do and the people we are but we don't appreciate things that are commonplace. What gets more attention is the infrequent & almost non-existent things. That's why when a spouse leaves, you miss them. You had them, took them for granted in one way, shape or form and now want them back.
What also gets attention is all the mistakes you make. You can do 10 things right but they'll all be nearly forgotten when you do that 1 thing wrong, negative things get more attention and hold more weight inside our heads - negative is associated with pain, we tend to remember pain more.
And while you're working full time and providing for your family, you come home at the end of the day, exhausted because you aren't just clocking 8 hours a day, it's more like 10 or 12 and you come home looking for refuge, a place to relax and recuperate but you still have to take into account you just can't veg when you get home: you have a partner that requires attention, care & nurturing and when those things are missing, they will miss it, resent you for not doing your part and you will be angry because you aren't being understood as someone who is tired and requires care & nurturing either. 24 hours in one day isn't enough anymore.
Has she never said it any way? I said it so much to H but he really didn't hear it or remember it because of his own insecurities of not being able to provide enough.
I can only think of one time. I went to a retreat and the retreat organizers asked her to send me a letter while I was there telling me what she appreciated. I got a VERY short letter that said (in effect)"Thank you for providing for our family".
Other than that, all I can think of is complaints that I didn't come home early enough, wasn't there for her, didn't help out enough with the kids, etc.
I think it is mostly her inability to get past her own negative feelings and feel/show appreciation. In the past I have had rather bizarre conversations with her in which she both criticized me for not helping out enough around the house or with the kids (when I actually do a lot) and in the same conversation glowingly praised a friends husband for being the perfect father and husband when I know for a fact that he does nothing to help out and works even longer hours.
Just venting a bit - I'm getting tired of it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Our expectations weren't met, both male and female...in almost all of these sitches.
And you know about "expectations"...her idea of what her life should be and feel like doesn't match reality or realistic for that matter. But it hurts.
ALK, I think you on to something but I'd add it goes further than that. What are these expectations? Were do they come from? Are you talking about preconceived notions of what roles people will play in a relationship?
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
That's a good way to think about it. Missed expectations hurt. Whether those expectations were missed because your partner failed you or whether they were missed because they were unrealistic in the first place doesn't impact how much they hurt.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
ALK, I think you on to something but I'd add it goes further than that. What are these expectations? Were do they come from? Are you talking about preconceived notions of what roles people will play in a relationship?
I think it is more about feelings and even in my sitch I was cognizant of the variables...I just couldn't deal with the feelings that were consistently conjured. And neither of us did enough work (at the same time) to keep some modicum of satisfaction going.
