Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

That's a heckuva post givingitmyall. Thanks. I haven't been focused on her or what she thinks for a good while. But after I got this call from her on Oct. 1, maybe my focus on her increased, because of the way the call made me feel. I know I have no control over her or what she thinks...I've accepted that for a long time. But I did have hope that I would be given a chance...eventually. Now that hope has been taken away, and the thought of not being able to love and care for her ever again as husband and wife, well...it hurts very bad. I know this is something I've gotta go through now, but I'm not liking it. I do hurt...like I haven't in many months.

I know I can't do anything about the past...other than what I have done, and that has been a lot. People can and do change. I have. And the change has been profound. I have wanted her to accept and believe that I have changed. She hasn't and doesn't. I know I have no control over that, but the disappointment is still there. I really have changed, and she refuses to see it.

Yeah, I still want her...and I want our family back. But she is taking that away from me and I can't stop her. The connection was genuine, especially on her part...and I miss that connection from her, especially now, since my changes gave me the ability to love her and cherish her like she has always wanted. I do truly love her, I also don't want to lose my family. Certainly aren't looking forward to the legal dealings of the divorce...it's gonna be huge and complicated. I do feel, right now, that she is 'the one'...and I also feel like I'll be alone forever. I know it's ending now, and I have to accept it...as she has said.

I want to like myself better. I beat myself up, still, because of my failures in the past...even though I have done everything in my power to rectify my failures in the past. I didn't like myself before either. And it undoubtedly showed. It affected every aspect of my life. I want to be strong, powerful, secure, confident, and compassionate. And I have been making real strides towards that, up until the call from her on Oct. 1. I need to have confidence and self-esteem...but something like this will rip it away, and it has. I want to feel worthy of real love. I'd like to feel it from her once again. But I don't, and it looks like I won't. And it saddens me.

I have to, must, continue to let go of the past. I was getting it done, but this new bomb brought me right down to the ground and made me start thinking about it much more.

I know I have the strength to change myself...I've done it! Believing in myself, especially under the circumstances now, is is a much tougher thing though.